(Closed) Major Bridesmaid Dilemma

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think it ultimately depends on you, if you’re unhappy and having her a part of the wedding is going to make it difficult for you, then you pretty much got your question answered.  But that is a sad situation your friend is in, and though I don’t have experience with dealing with depression or knowing anyone in that same boat, I definitely think your friend could probably use some positive influences, letting her go might make her feel more depressed do you think?  Perhaps she could still be there for you in other ways.  She might feel better about herself when she’s helping you.  I know I feel really good when I am able to help someone out.  Good luck to you and your friend.

Post # 4
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Wow… This sounds stressful and emotional. But, I must say, I think it’s a tad early to be excusing your friend from your wedding party. This girl sounds like a close friend who is going through a hard time, and I think that maybe instead of calling her to excuse her from the wedding, you should call her to go to her house for some serious and quality girl time. What would you hope your friend would do in the reverse situation? If it were you with a broken engagement? Are you willing to lose a friend over wedding planning?

Perhaps put the friendship in check before worrying about the wedding. October is a long time away, and your friend just lost her fiance and has admitted depression. It sounds like she is dealing with these issues the best she can. There’s plenty of time left for dress shopping, and it sounds like there are things that might be more important to her than that right now.

If this is someone that you want to be in your life and to be there for, maybe wait this out a little longer. She may snap out of this in a month or so. Then again, only you know best–Do what you think is right and don’t listen to those around you.

Post # 5
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

hmmmm……your situation is delicate and tricky…and its hard to give advice since i am sure there are soo many other elements in play here.

 i think i agree with what said above about how there is a good amount of time left before you have to make a firm decision on whether to keep her as a bm or not. her dress could be ordered in May and you would still have plenty of time for alterations and such.

you should feel her out. test the water. go to her house. spend time with her and figure out what is going on with her. once you are in her space and get a feeling for whats in her head you can make the best decision about whether to include her in this roll.

i empathize. i have a somewhat similiar situation with one of my bms. she has admitted depression before and has retreated a lot since. when i called on her in the beginning of my planning, she wasn’t available to me at all. always having something else that needed to be done and i got the feeling that i was being put off. so over the past few weeks, i have pretty much decided to keep her in. know that i can’t really depend on her for anything and leave it at that. if it becomes too much of a burden to her to as we near dress ordering time (i’m thinking June for my Nov wedding) then she is free to bow out. i’ll leave it up to her.

Post # 6
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

You’re definitely going through a situation that many brides experience.  It’s your most important day and and exciting time for you, so you feel like everyone should be there for you and support you.

It’s easy to forget that life happens, and not everyone’s life will be put on hold or focus as much as their attention on wedding plannign that you are. 

It’s absolutely reasonable to expect your maids to show up when they say they will, and you shouldn’t have to place daily calls to confirm!  So much  unneeded stress for you.

A couple of the posters above were right, though.  You asked her to be in your wedding for a reason, she’s a close friend.  She’s going through a rough time and on top of the depression, knows she should be happy for you, but being aroudn love and wedding planning probably makes her feel worse.

Best advice I can give is to be open with her.  Tell her you care about her and want her to be a part of it, but  if this is a bad time for her, you’d understand if she would rather not participate.  It’ll drive you crazy if you wait around for her to decide, so have the talk soon and set a time limit…give her a couple of weeks to make her decision. 

If you don’t hear from her within that agreed upon timeframe, then it’s completely appropriate for you to proceed with planning without her.  Good luck!

Post # 7
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

There is a lot of discussion (on this board and many others) about BMs not being responsive and hard to get a hold of and constantly unavailable for dress appointments.  And brides being worried that BMs aren’t going to get their alterations done in time, etc.  And they usually end up with the "dilemma" of whether to remove the offending Bridesmaid or Best Man from the bridal party.

And I’m really not sure what the concern is.  I understand that friendships are complicated.  And I understand that in a perfect world, these BMs would be all sunshine and light and would fall all over themselves to help us with our wedding prep.  But when push comes to shove, all we really need from these girls is to show up at the appointed time and be in the proper dress.  Do we really think that’s not going to happen? 

Tater, I’ve got a friend who’s super flaky and she’s a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  When she was impossible to schedule around for dress shopping, the rest of us made a decision without her.  I’ve told her where the dress is, when she needs to order her’s by, and how much it’s going to cost.  And I have now washed my hands of it, assuming that whatever it takes, she’ll get it done.  I suppose it’s possible that it could come back to bite me in the butt and I’ll be short on Bridesmaid or Best Man on wedding day, but I doubt it.  I have to imagine that she’s more worried than I am about whether her dress fits.  =)

Post # 8
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I’m so sorry, this is got to be tough on you and her.

In my honest opinion, I would let her know that you don’t want to add any extra stress to her life, and it’s seemed quite obvious that she is distant and needing some time on her own and you’d like it if she could back out of the wedding.

I think this is totally fair. My first thought while reading this is "OMG she won’t show up for the wedding"

Ask her to take on role like Personal Attendant – but like the 2nd one (pleasnty of people have 2) and this way if she doen’t follow through you still have someone else there and she won’t feel totally booted from the wedding.

Good luck! 

Post # 10
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

As someone who has actually suffered from serious depression, I have to tell you that first and foremost, depressed people are not reliable.  You can’t really expect your friend to be involved in the details of your wedding if it is a huge struggle for her to get out of bed every morning.  People in a serious depression are barely hanging on to the things the HAVE to do, like getting to work often enough not to get fired.  They don’t clean their houses, they don’t shower, they don’t eat, and they certainly don’t show up for dress fittings, or even for weddings.  You can’t really look at being a Bridesmaid or Best Man as some sort of therapeutic exercise for your friend – as if enjoying dress shopping is somehow going to pull her out of herself sufficiently to correct a major chemical imbalance in her brain and make her better.  You should also know that taking her out of the wedding is not going to somehow push her over the edge – she may even find it a relief. 

You have a lot going on in your life, possibly too much to spend a lot of time worrying about your friend, but the best thing you can do for her is encourage her to get some professional help.  And then be there for her when she is actually ready to have some kind of a social life again.  Having a lot of anger over how she "let you down" isn’t really going to be conducive to that.

I would let her know (in person if possible) that it seems to you as if she has a lot to deal with, and that because of that you think perhaps it would be better for her not to have to worry about being a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  Maybe you can suggest another role for her – one that involves less responsibility, and that is easier to have somebody else step in should it appear that she can’t actually perform.

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