(Closed) Major Cold Feet – Call Wedding Off?? (sorta long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

If you have doubt like this you should walk away now.  It’s best for both of you.  In my personal opinion just friendship is not enough to support a marriage.. you have to have the passion too.

Post # 4
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Here is the info I would need to answer your question:

– how is your sex life?

– do you feel loved by him?

– do you feel like you are on eachother’s side?

– are you a “grass is greener on the other side” type of personality, in that, are you usually a little unsatisfied?

Post # 5
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think every bride has a moment that hits her and you realize that you are spending the rest of your life with one person. But it’s the emotions attached to that realization that make the difference. For me, I was excited and realized how in love I am with my FI. If you start to question your chemistry and all these “what-if’s” pop in your head, then that’s not good and I would end it now. Honestly your post sounds like it’s more than cold feet.

You want friendship in a relationship because sometimes the passion may fade here and there and you want to know that you can still be with someone and enjoy their company. But if the passion was never there to start, you are missing a key element to your relationship. Life gets crazy and hectic. I get exhausted and so maybe my FI and I aren’t as “active” as we were when we first started dating but the chemistry is still there.

 

If you have any doubts if this is the right thing, then I would end it. How does your FI feel? It must hurt him to know that he may not be “enough”?

Post # 6
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Poptart – I think it’s 100% normal to have huge freakouts 1 month before the wedding. That being said, I have no idea (nor will anyone else here) what the right decision is for you. 🙂 I think it depends on how far towards “friends” you are on the spectrum, and if that’s something you personally can live with. I know someone who is going through a divorce right now and revealed he and his wife have sex 3-4 times a YEAR. He married her anyway (even though that was always the situation) thinking he would be fine, and 13 yrs and 3 kids later, he is not. But some people would be okay with that.

Bottom line – how are are you from your ideal?

Post # 7
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I wish I could have forever with my FI.  He has a terminal illness and we most definitely will NOT have a FOREVER together.  If you were in this situation and you were okay with not having forever, walk away now. 

For the record, yes I know your situation is different, I’m just putting “forever” into perspective.

Post # 8
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

it seems to me like the couples that are the best of friends get along wonderfully later in life.. but in the now, sex and chemistry is very important. Have you tried new things? shaken things up? maybe you could just be in a rut. Try something unexpected (doesn’t have to be crazy!) like go out for dinner to a place that you eat with your fingers, or have a lot of wine pairing. Go out of your comfort zone with someone you are comfortable with and it ends up being a very interesting night.

Post # 9
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

i was “friends” with my ex-husband for 8 years and thats what kept us together…but our marriage couldn’t support that. we kept breaking up and getting back together because we missed the friendship, not the relationship. ultimately we divorced and it was awful BECAUSE we were friends.

take that for what its worth, but please dear, whatever you do, please dont let an internet message board make these decisions for you.

Post # 10
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

If you have doubts, you should at the very least delay getting married.  Figure out what you want in the next couple of months and decide to move forward with the wedding or not.  When in doubt – time to get out!

Post # 11
Member
2634 posts
Sugar bee

I think feelings of cold feet are normal.  I certainly wouldn’t suggest you walk away based SOLELY on this post.  Of course only you know the minute details of your situation and what you want to do or what you should do.

I’d only recommend that you seek counseling ASAP (like call today and get an appt for as early as you can, tomorrow hopefully).

Post # 12
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

BTW, I’m a date twin, and I had my freak-out about a month ago.

For me it was that marriage meant that I had to try to work it out, no matter what. I guess I hadn’t really thought about how…safe it felt that I could always bounce. We own a house and have been together for over 6 years, so it wouldn’t be simple, but still. I am basically vowing to stick it out, even if I don’t want to at the time. It isn’t as if we fight a lot or anything, but for a really independent person, knowing I could walk kind of felt good.

What has won me over is that even though I still have complicated feelings about marriage, my feelings aren’t complicated about FI. If there is anyone I can stick it out with, who’s faults I can ignore, who’s victories I want to celebrate, who’s ridiculousness I can love but laugh at, it is FI.

Post # 13
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

So sorry you are going through this. Chemistry can’t be changed “too much” although with some people it does increase over time. I had an ex in high school in which there wasn’t hardly any chemistry at first, but it grew within a few weeks and we were together a year. But I don’t know after 3 1/2 years if it would grow more than it is now.

Romance is something that can always change or be changed. Is he not romantic enough? Or when he is romantic, do you mean it just doesn’t “do it for you”? Like, it doesn’t give you a warm, fuzzy feeling?

Honestly, I wouldn’t marry him unless you are as sure as you can be. It’s not fair to him and it certainly won’t make you happy in the long run if your fears come true.

Before you were engaged, did you see yourself marrying him?

So sorry you are going thru this.

Post # 14
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I’m going to tell you what my mother would say: Nothing is permanent, nothing is forever. 

Harsh, right? But really, you need to sit down and ask yourself if you are missing the brand new feeling or if you are really unsure if you want to be married. And if you decide to get married, and a few years down the line feel like you’re nothing but glorified roommates, then it’s time to reevaluate again.

Post # 15
Member
683 posts
Busy bee

I feel like chemistry is something between your ears and you have to constantly work at it. This is just a bump in the road and the feeling could happen 5 years down the road when you are married. Personally- I wouldn’t question it too hard if this guy is as great as you say he is. I would be honest with him and your fears and I would express your vunerability to him and maybe even explore couple’s therapy. It will bring you closer together.

Hugs! You will get through this!
 

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