(Closed) Major debate with future in laws.

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Yikes, these people sound like residents of Crazy Town. Plan your wedding with the understanding that they will not contribute and live your life.

Post # 4
1231 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Wow. That is so frustrating. Go ahead with your plans. They will just have to get used to it. Your reasons for getting married are your business.

I can’t believe some parents act this way.

Post # 6
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@MissCoffeeBean:  It sounds like his parents are a little unhinged.  I would stop interacting with them, and worrying about what they think.  Don’t share wedding details, don’t respond when they plan your fertility, ask your fiance to stop passing on their crazy ramblings, disengage disengage disengage.

Post # 7
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@MissCoffeeBean:  My mom is kind of like this, although she’s a lot less frantic about it (and is getting better). I think some parents, especially moms, have a really hard time letting go and admitting that their child is an adult. I know my mom is dealing with that, and it was really, really frustrating at first. I had a good talk with her and she has been a lot better since.

I think your Fiance should talk to his mom one on one about how this makes him feel and explain to her that just because he’s getting married doesn’t mean his relationship with his mother will cease to exist. It’s a hard thing for a lot of moms, but I bet she will come around about the wedding (I have no advice on the baby stuff, unfortunately).

Good luck with them!

Post # 8
2283 posts
Buzzing bee

There is no debate if you don’t respond. When she says something to you about your plans, just nod. Don’t participate in conversations about your relationship with her. She’ll end up talking about it all she wants while you and your fiancée go about your business, get married, and do what you want to do. 

If you and your fiancée are independent adults like you say you are, act like it. Don’t entertain discussion or debates on matters that have already been settled between the two of you. Don’t argue with his mom about it, because that doesn’t help you, your fiancée, or her.  

Ignore their opinions about your relationship if you don’t like them. Don’t respond to what she says. Continue with your plans. 

Also, if anyone is going to talk to your fiancée’s mom about this, it should be your fiancée, not you. It’s not your job to deal with his parents and family, that’s his job. 

Post # 9
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@MissCoffeeBean:  Is there a cultural difference that would cause them to oppose the marriage?  Religious difference?  I’m wondering if they’re talking about your age but are actually worried about something else.

Regardless, they’re obviously acting pretty nutty.  And I do think many moms act this way when they’re losing their baby boys.  My fiance is in his mid 30s and his mom broke down into tears over Christmas because she’s not ready to let him go.  So yeah, that’s moms for ya.  🙂  Don’t let it get to you, just do what you guys think is best.

Post # 10
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@MissCoffeeBean:  I mean, it seems pretty obvious: your Future Mother-In-Law, for whatever reason, dislikes the idea of you being married to her son.

Maybe it’s about her issues with “losing” her son and maybe she would be this way to anyone.

Maybe you just rub her the wrong way and she wouldn’t object if you were someone else.

Maybe she doesn’t dislike you as a person, but has some other concern about the nature of your relationship and she’s diplomatically concealing it under the objection that you’re “too young”.

Maybe she actually thinks you’re too young (mid to late twenties is nonspecific, but if you mean, like, 24 and 26, that is pretty young in some circles).

Maybe you really are the youngest people they know to get married.

Maybe she got married young due to accidental (or even intentional!) pregnancy and deeply regrets it.

Maybe they’re both totally crazy.

Maybe any combination of the above, or something else entirely. It actually seems pretty irrelevant what the truth behind it is, because if you guys are already having tense Sykpe convos in which she flat out tells you to break up (yikes!) then… this is it. This is what you’re signing up for when you marry this man. These people at a minimum don’t support your marriage, don’t sound like they like you a lot, and aren’t likely to start, and if he’s close to them, you need to get on the same page about what kind of boundaries you’re going to have in order to make life as a member of that family bearable for you. Make sure you and he have a 100% united front on this topic before you go ahead with the marriage.

Post # 11
1232 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Wow, gross! Mom is probably freaked out about not having grandkids and sis is probably just jealous. It doesn’t seem like you would gain anything by discussing it anymore with them so I suggest that next time they bring it up just say “hey, we don’t agree on this and I don’t want to talk about it anymore” and move on.

Post # 12
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Um…wow. OK, so you are both financially independent, been together awhile, live together and are committed to each other so really, it looks like the only downside to you getting married is that these two loons would be your in-laws. Ignore them.

Oh, and where I’m from, it isn’t unusual to get married whilst you’re still a teenager, and most people I graduated high school with were hitched by the time they were in their early 20s. Mid- to late-20s is not that young. Geez.

Post # 13
5974 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

Is it a cultural thing? You said other countries so maybe she is looking down at you because you are going against that culture? Anyway, I agree with everyone. Just do what you need to do and don’t argue about it. You can’t win against crazy and/or unreasonable people. Also, my mom always told me, you don’t just marry the man, you marry the family. So just know you are in for some stuff periodically down the road!

Post # 14
2604 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@MissCoffeeBean:  Why on earth are you and your Fiance having these discussions with your FIL’s?

You are financially indepenent adults, yes?  No one else gets a vote but the two of you.  I get that you want them to be on board but they’re clearly not so the next step is for your Fiance to let them know he has heard their concerns, he is quite happy, comfortable and confident in his choices and they now need to STFU about them.  More diplomatically of course, but the sentiment should be exactly the same.  

They’re not going to give their approval so for pity’s sake stop begging for it.  You do NOT want to set a precedence that they have the option of weighing in on your lives.  

Your Fiance needs to shut this down once and for all.  If he’s not already defending you as a couple and you as an individual, he needs to start.  

Post # 15
330 posts
Helper bee

This is so strange! I dont want you to take this the wrong way but, they dont like you!!!! That’s the only reason i could think of for them pressuring you both to wait family meeting included. They want you to grow tired of eachother and move on without the relationship (and marraige).

Out of curiosity, how old was his mother when she and his dad were married?

Post # 16
3585 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@MissCoffeeBean:  OP, this is strange behavior from the Future Mother-In-Law.

Either there is somehtin you aren’t telling us (and your posts sound reasonable and as though you’ve covered the bases) or Future Mother-In-Law has this kind of controlling reaction to many things.

Your SO has to shut it up with marriage talk with his parents. No more talk. You, too.

When you become officially engaged, then you both stand strong togehter and do not engage with the in-laws about marriage issues. Until then, don’t chatter about engagements and rings and etc.

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