(Closed) Major Etiquette Conundrum (it involves Save the Dates and Invitations)

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Technically everyone that got an STD should get an invite.

The appropriate thing to do is to invite them.  Hopefully since you aren’t there anymore, they won’t accept.  Inviting your old boss would probably be wise- not only because you sent her an STD, but it’s never a good idea to burn professional bridges- what if you wind up needing a recommendation from her?

Post # 4
7774 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If you were not actually close to any of them in the first place, I’d say don’t send one. Screw it. That’s just me. I’m probably in the “bad etiquette” group, though.

Although, I would send one to the boss. Like the poster above said, you might need a recommendation someday.

Post # 5
1565 posts
Bumble bee

I would send invites – they probably won’t come, and you won’t be burning any bridges. (I know you don’t particularly care for these people, but you never know when you might need their help professionally.)

Post # 6
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I would invite all of them too even though they may not end up coming.  You should keep good ties with your former boss in case you have to use her as a recommendation for another job later on.

Post # 7
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

STD recipients are Invite recipients, period.  Hopefully, they won’t come because you’re not in contact anymore.  Good luck!

Post # 8
39 posts
  • Wedding: August 2009

How much do you need this potential recommendation from your former boss?

As a pp said, I say screw etiquette if you need to. I don’t understand the reasoning that you have to send invitations to people that you no longer want at your wedding because you made the mistake of sending STDs to them previously.

I personally think it would be awkward to invite your boss and not your coworkers. If you don’t need the recommendation, don’t invite any of them but if you do need it, just invite the boss.

GL and Hope This Helps

Post # 9
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

If you don’t see these people and have no contact don’t invite them. My rule of thumb is asking myself “will I be upset if that person isn’t at the wedding” if the answer is “yes” they’ll be invited. If it’s a “no” then they won’t be. Your wedding is one of the most important days of your life and I only want people I actually care about there! Go with whatever you feel is right but if you’re not an etiquette person – don’t invite them!

Post # 10
2640 posts
Sugar bee

You have a double whammy.  If you don’t invite them, you might burn some bridges with people in your field., and it’s really an etiquette mistake. 

I understand the situation, but I don’t think it’s worth making a double error.  This is the downside of sending STDs, particualrly if we get overly excited and send them out right away.  If it makes you feel better, I felt obligated to invite my old boss to my wedding.  (I disliked her very much.)  Thankfully, she declined.

Post # 11
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I would invite them.  You sent them an STD, which is basically another form of inviting them already.  They probably won’t come.

Post # 12
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Yeah unfortunately I think you have to invite them. You could be a little sneaky and send those particular invitations really late, but if your old boss is etiquette queen she’d probably notice that. I dunno. Tough one!

Post # 13
374 posts
Helper bee

May I suggest that you send these people a hand written note on lovely stationery and say “I was so excited when I got engaged that I wanted the entire world to know and wanted the entire world to witness our vows.  I now realize that due to finances we have to cut back our list and we have changed our minds and need to have a smaller wedding than anticipated.  We hope you will understand and did not inconvenience you in anyway.  We wanted to give you ample notice to free you up to make other plans.

We hope all is going well for you.

Sincerely, ” [if you don’t know them that well.]

Or something to that effect.

Or send out a flyer style computer generated announcement:

Dear Friends:  Due to unexpected budget cuts we are downsizing our wedding.  We know you will understand the predicatment we are in and how hard it is for us to send this out.  We were so excited when we were engaged we were unrealistic in planning our initial invitation list. 

or how about

Dear  _____ :  We want to let you know that our plans for our wedding have changed and as much as we had wanted you present to witness our owes, we have budget constraints and will have a much smaller wedding than we initially anticipated.  It is really hard for us to write this letter, but we know you will understand.

My sense is if you feel this way, they probably do also and will be thrilled not to have to attend [no offense intended].  You can then give those coveted places to people who really matter.  I do not think work pals have a place at weddings anyway.  They are situational acquantances, not friends.  In our lives there are people “we know” and people whom we call friends. Weddings should be for friends only.  You definitely do not owe your former boss an invitation.  She’s history.  And, do not invite your present boss either.  I’m sure s/he would rather spend an evening with people they call friends instead of co-workers and people they supervise. Think of how awkard it will be for her.  Who will you be able to seat her with?  With whom will she talk with?.  Just keep spreading word at the office that it’s a small wedding and that you have such a large family, it’ll be bigger than you wanted.  Refain from speaking about the wedding plans at work.  That’s what this blog is for.  Talk to us.  Even friends don’t want to hear the endless details; especially if they are single and still looking for someone special.  Our weddings can be such a bore for other people to listen about!!

These weddings end up costing so much money, you should only have people there you love and who are part of your lives.  Bosses and work pals are not part of your forever life.  You need to ask yourself “is this person worth the $150.00 pp I am spending on them?” [when you add up the dress, shoes, invitations, stamps, venue, church, clergy/officiant, license, meal,  music, flowers, favors, honeymoon, etc it adds up before you know it!!.]

Please keep in touch and let us know what you end up doing.  We all can learn from each other and this is one area where I am sure we have all made this mistake and need to find a way out!


Post # 14
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Hmm part of me is saying “invite them… put the ball in their court”

The other half is echoing Momma’s post above.

If I had to make the decision right now… I’d invite them.

Post # 15
1037 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010 - Carlouel Yacht Club

As much as I would be tempted to not send an invite, if they received an STD, they should get one. Like others have been saying, put the ball in their court…and hopefully they will decline (if I were them, I think I probably would be hesitant/feel weird to attend a wedding for an ex coworker that I don’t keep in touch with on a regular basis)!

Post # 16
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

You must invite them. But you do not have to invite them early. Invite them late enough that they will already have made other plans (like a month before the wedding). That should send the message without you having to make a more obvious faux pas (or two, in this case).

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