(Closed) MAJOR family drama & I dont know what to do

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My situation is very similar to yours. Future Sister-In-Law is a Bridesmaid or Best Man but she has never been a part of the wedding. She only calls FH when she wants something and the family treats her like a spoiled princess. The biggest difference is FH stands up to his family about how they treat me. Recently, she told them lies about me and they started harassing me.

For the moment, I wouldn’t confront his sisters just yet. Sit down with your FH and let him know that once you two are married, you become his new family so he needs to have your back. My FH is slightly introverted too, but I let him know that I will not tolerate disrespect from his family. Unfortunately, if your FH doesn’t ever have your back, this could cause problems in your marriage. Since it is his family, he needs to confront them first.

Also, I started reading Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward. It’s an awesome book and it gives great advice on how to handle situations like this.

Good luck!

Post # 4
712 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m so sorry this is happening!  Whatever you do, do NOT feel like you’ve done something wrong or that you owe them.  You are an amazing person.  I would say, let your Fiance speak to them if he’d like to, and he can tell them how their behavior has made you both feel.  Otherwise, maybe it’s best to ignore them?  You know what you’ve done for the family and you shouldn’t have to defend yourself.  Maybe have Fiance tell them that if they can’t be mature about coming to the wedding, they don’t need to come.

As much as they suck, keep in mind that it’s possible they are still grieving and that may be affecting their behavior.  It doesn’t excuse their behavior AT ALL, but it might make it easier for you to realize that their behavior has NOTHING to do with you, specifically.

Keep us posted!

Post # 5
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Holy moly, that sounds like some serious childishness on their part. Sorry your inlaws are acting so crazy. I’m sure they are still reeling from the loss of their mother, but that does not give them the right to talk sh*t about you and their own brother, especially after you’ve been so wonderful to the family.

I think you should confront them yourself. Show them the evidence and see what they have to say for themselves. Tell them if they dont support your marriage then they aren’t welcome at your wedding. No use wasting your money, time and energy on people who are obviously routing for you to fail. I would probably cut my losses and have a really nice Destination Wedding with my SO and our witnesses, and only invite the people who you know love and support you.


Hope this all works out for you, whatever you decide to do.

Post # 6
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@NikoKitty: If you can trust this cousin as a source, kick the FSILs out of the wedding party. You and your Fiance should both confront the FSILs together, standing as a united front. If the FSILs cannot stand up with you both in honor of your wedding day and marriage, and speak well of you in that regard, they don’t deserve the honor of being bridesmaids. You should not have to put up with their fake smiles in your photos either.

Can you cancel their dress orders, or at the very least, have all the dresses arrive to your home and not theirs? When they ask where their dresses are, you and Fiance say together that you have decided to switch up the wedding party due to extenuating circumstances. You owe them no explanation beyond that. At that point they’ll do one of three things: 1. come to the wedding and behave themselves. 2. come to the wedding and cause trouble or 3. not attend. If they do come and try to retaliate in any stupid way, have family or friends in charge of keeping an eye on them, or hire security to watch over your gifts, etc.

It seems the FSILs are jealous and guilty, among other things, and taking it out on you. Whatever the reason, it is mean-spirited and you do not want that kind of energy closest to you on your day. I had a friend that went berserk on me and had to have the venue’s staff informed of her in case she showed up. All went well because we took the right precautions. I didn’t think of her that day and it all worked out. Good luck and let us know how things turn out!

Post # 8
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

First of all, I’m so sorry you and your Fiance are going through this. We lost my FI’s mom to cancer less than a year ago so I understand how hard it is on everyone involved. His sisters may still be greiving and the wedding may just be making it worse.

My biggest question is how did taking care of stuff fall on you? Did the family ask you? Was no one else volunterring? Or did you do it without consulting them? I’m not suggesting you did anything wrong but I do wonder if they feel you shoved them out of the way when you ‘took the reigns’. I do think they are being extremely childish but I also wish we could hear their side of this.

Post # 9
182 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

That sucks. I’m so sorry these are your Future Sister-In-Law. I would probably find a time when they are all or mostly together nd ask them something like -hey I’ve been thinking, since you all have busy financially strained lives right now, would it be a relief if I relieved you bridesmaid duty? That way it might open the door to communication without you confronting them in a way they would get more defensive

Post # 10
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

When my fiancés mother started being nasty to me I just told my Fiance it would not bother me if she didn’t come to our wedding, I don’t need anyone not supportive, don’t want to be their anyway, or don’t like me around on such an important day in my life and I don’t care who it is or what relation. 

No issue or reason is good enough to talk smack about me or my Fiance and say my marriage won’t last ….YEAH I would personally call them out on it and tell them if that is the way you feel and as I have read do then by all means walk, it’s not going to make or break me if you are their or not I can assure you. LOL  I don’t think calling anyone out on their mean back stabbing behavior is immature I think sometimes or to me MOST times is needed.   

Post # 12
3968 posts
Honey bee

Are you close enough with them you can sit them all down for a talk?  If you hadn’t heard from the cousin, would you have any clue they weren’t on board?  Could you get together with the sister you are closest too and talk about it?  

I wouldn’t necessarily bring up the emails the cousin sent you or the crap they’ve been saying because you are getting it from another source.  I’d address whatever issue is at the root of it. It could be sooo many things, along with greiving the loss of their mom.  Weddings (even without such an awful loss) bring up a lot of emotions with sibilings (maybe they feel like their brother is leaving them too) and I think it’s difficult for people to figure out why they are acting out.

Since your Fiance is close with his family/sisters, I think it’s best to take the higher road here and be as kind and gracious as possible.  At the end of the day, who cares what they think/say.  What matters is how you treat your Fiance and keeping things civil with his sisters (even if they don’t deserve it) may help things in the long run (since everyone is going to be around for a long time).

If over time (post-marriage) they continue to be disrespectful, then there’s no reason to make an effort.  But, I see no reason for you to make such a grand gesture like kicking them out of the wedding party.  Hopefully, you have other friends who are bridesmaids who you can lean on for support, and the entire wedding party isn’t just the sisters… 

Best of luck and I think what you did for your FI’s mom is beautiful.  

Post # 14
507 posts
Busy bee

I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this.  Any way you could elope?  Be proud of yourself that you were there when FI’s mom needed you. 🙂  Keep us posted.

Post # 15
2041 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh wow, that is a really tough situation. First off, I’m so sorry both for you and your Fiance on your loss.

 My guess is it boils down to a combination of things: grieving for their mom, which is heightened at special moments like this; jealousy or perhaps guilt that you were so involved and they weren’t; and probably resentment that you were able to handle things and they weren’t. Losing your mom (especially I think as woman) is one of the most difficult things in the world, and it sounds like they really aren’t handeling it very well at all.

Now, that being said, it totally doesn’t excuse their behaviour towards you, because you were just trying to help, and if they felt “pushed aside” as PP have suggested, then they should have spoken up at the time, instead of taking it out on you now.

I would imagine the fact that there’s four of them also makes it worse because it’s almost like a pack mentality, or an us vs her thing going on, and that’s why things are escalating like this.

Would you feel comfortable sitting down with them and your Fiance to talk things through? Or is there maybe one sister you were closer with that you could bring it up to one-on-one to start? You mentioned the cousin sent you the emails….what does he/she think? Would they be willing to be a part of this so the sisters can’t deny it?

I’m not saying to corner them, but I think you need to behave like the adult (since they most certainly aren’t) and lay it all out on the table. They are going to be your family, so I feel like it’s worth it to try. If you do and they deny everything, or continue, then wash your hands of them. But I think given the circumstances it’s worth at least a talk to see why the sudden change.

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