(Closed) Major issue with future mother in law & guest list… what do i do???

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

First of all, dang! Good for you guys for putting down 20%. That is awesome, you should be very proud. I don’t know where you live, but that isn’t easy in any part of the country.

Second, I think the only thing you can do it respond with a voice message, “No, there is no way at all that you can invite your friends.” Don’t leave any door open. She has already gotten a ton of concessions out of you, its time to enequivocally put the foot down.

Post # 4
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

You are so much a better person than I.  I would have “lost” all of her friends’ invitations…

All you can do is let your Fiance handle it.  Keep telling her no.  OR you could actually come up with a cost per person of her new invites…explain to her that because of all the extras, it will actually cost ($) per person, and if she wants to foot that bill ON TOP OF the $5000 she has put in, then you MAY be able to accomodate them.  Make sure to include everything:

$ per plate food
$ linen rental for 2 tables
$ flatware and plate rental per person
$ centerpieces for two tables
$ set up fee per table
$ per chair fee for reception AND wedding
$ per extra program
$ per extra favor
$ per person for the open bar, champagne, wine served
$ extra decor per person (like chargers, napkins, etc)
$ chair rentals/chair covers/chair sashes

I don’t know how much of that you’re doing, but it could be as high as $250-$300 per person, which is $4800 extra.  If she saw the numbers, maybe she would realize she’s asking the impossible.  (You could even explain how much of her $5000 went toward the 140 people she has ALREADY invited!  Like, um, all of it?  And that didn’t even cover them…)

Post # 5
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

That sucks 🙁  sorry.

If you don’t really care if the extra guests are there…since it’s already too late to make any sort of boundaries with her obviously and there’s already so many people you don’t know (what’s a few more)… and it’s more just about the money, I would figure out how much more you would have to pay per person for tables, centerpieces, food, etc and tell her fine, you can invite them, but we need this much money from you for each person you invite to cover the extra costs.  If she’s not willing to pay that, then no extra guests…that’s final.

If you don’t want anymore people there, I don’t really think there’s anything more you can do.  You’ve told her no, she’s not listening…so just tune her out as best you can.  Your fiance should really talk to her, but even if he did stand up to her, there’s no guarantee she’d stop then either.

Good luck!

Post # 6
348 posts
Helper bee

Do you not want them to come at all, or is it a cost issue?  If the first, then simply say no – better yet, have your fiance call and tell her.  If the latter, you could let her know that you’ve maxed out the budget, so each additional guest from here on out would require an extra $XX contribution from her (whatever would *fully* cover the extra expense).

Post # 7
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

First of all remember you are marrying HIM not HER. I know how very frustrating this situation must be.  I would let her know that you guys have already accommodated the 140+ people she wanted to invite. Thank her for offering to pay for her extra guests but, try and explain that there are other costs (tables, more centerpieces, more favors ect) that go along with inviting more people that you two can simply not afford 2 and a half months before the wedding. I know to her it may seem as though you are being unreasonable but, remember it’s YOUR wedding. Don’t feel obligated to invite more people even if she gave you guys $5,000 towards wedding costs. That shouldn’t be a bargaining tool for her. 

I hope that helps a little! 

Post # 8
435 posts
Helper bee

You are being extremely nice and acommodating to her.  I would just tell her “no”, and drop the subject.  If she keeps it up just give her a look and go back to whatever you were saying or doing.  She sounds so unreasonable.   I wonder if you say yes she’ll find ten more people she has  to invite.  Uggghhh

Post # 10
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

Tell her No .. the Venue will not let you add any more guest due to capacity issues!

Post # 12
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

2×4 + back of her head = Solution!

Okay, maybe not really, but I’m sure it’d make you feel better (it’d make me feel better if you did).

I like the idea of doing a total cost breakdown of the additional 16 guests (like MightySapphire suggested) and throwing that at her, then subtly mentioning that the $5k she did donate only really covered x of her ridiculous 140 person guest list.

 “Ugh” on your behalf.

Post # 13
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Just say no.

Mention that with your house budget there is no way that you can afford the extra amount and you don’t feel comfortable having people you don’t know at your wedding. 

She ask again…rinse and repeat.  🙂 

I say you treat this as a game.  Realize that she is acting like a child and repeat the reason you gave her the last time you spoke.  Don’t change it, don’t add additional reasons. 

I think this will come down to who is more stuborn.  After 7 years of her trying to get rid of you, you are marrying your man.  My money’s on you!

Post # 14
1011 posts
Bumble bee

I think that you should just leave it at what you say Future Mother-In-Law told the work people, “She however told them that she was sorry and that WE wouldn’t let her invite them.”  you’re never going to meet these people, so who cares what they think of you.  Let her blame you.  Who cares.

My mom is telling people who want to be invited to my wedding that I won’t let her.  I don’t care what they think:  I invited her friends that I know!

Post # 15
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I can’t imagine how frustrating this has become for you!  I get all worked up hearing about this stuff because I’ve had some minor issues myself.  I think the thing that I would do is… NOTHING.  Its your FI’s mother so he should be the one handling this.  It sounds like he is so that’s good, just avoid the urge to bring it up at all, even if you think you can manage to come off in a friendly way.  And I think he has to continue to be firm.  No is no.  You shouldn’t have to compromise what you want for your wedding for who she wants at YOUR wedding!  And since you’ve already done a lot of that, she’s just going to have to deal with it. 

Post # 16
1580 posts
Bumble bee

honestly, I’d give her a big number for how much it will cost for her to invite her friends. I’d actually add on all the other people she insisted on inviting that you didn’t want to invite too.

That way if she pays up, at least you have some exrta money in your pocket, even though you will have to deal with all those extra people.

My main point of caution would be to make sure you and your fiance are on the same page before you respond to Future Mother-In-Law.

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