Major Trust Issues & Shady Behavior. What Would You Do?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1853 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

No no no no no. Your boyfriend is an asshole. You went to therapy, laid out clear boundaries that were agreed on and what? He just sat there and pretended he was going to abide by them? What a dick. 

This guy is a liar, he has zero regards for your boundaries and he is carrying on with something that sounds suspiciously like an emotional affair to me. 

This would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me. No way would I be investing any more time in someone that disrespected me like that. 

Post # 3
Member
782 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

Honestly, if it were me I would demand to look at his phone immediately and if anything was shady or inappropriate, including messages that had been deleted, I would end the relationship immediately. Based on what you described, I have zero doubts he’s up to no good, possibly with more than one of his exes.

It also sounds like he’s very good at making you out to be the bad guy or look crazy when he’s the one doing things wrong. Honey, that is called gaslighting. Even in your post you are blaming yourself for having feelings about these exes and seem afraid that you’ll look “crazy” if you bring this up again. Please do not lose sight of the fact that you have very clearcut reasons to be suspicious still, and don’t let him turn this around to make you feel bad about yourself. Some guys are experts at gaslighting, so it may not be easy, but stay strong.

At the very, VERY least, you deserve some solid answers here.

Post # 4
Member
266 posts
Helper bee

If you need counselling before marriage for trust issues, he’s probably not the one. 

Post # 5
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Even if nothing shady was going on – and clearly that’s not the case – do you really want to be in this kind of relationship?

Post # 6
Member
3484 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You’ve not been together 2 years and you’ve had therapy? This isn’t a healthy relationship. Go to therapy alone and work on yourself and your issues. 

Post # 7
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee

So he’s in almost constant contact with his ex day and night, sending multiple pics to her daily and calling her every time you’re not there and then deleting everything. He’s 100% cheating, I’m sorry. This is one of the most clear cut situations I’ve seen on here. 

Post # 8
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think it’s necessarily strange that someone could and would be friends with an ex, but I find it strange that someone is friends with THIS MANY exes. Unless they weren’t actually long-term, serious relationships but casual flings or hookups? I’m friends with men I’ve slept with, but I’m not friends with ANY of my former boyfriends. Are we sure that each of these girls knows about you and the level of seriousness in your relationship? Is it possible that he’s calling such-and-such an “ex” but that’s not what he’s leading her to believe? It just seems odd he’d have all these friends who are ex girlfriends… 

Post # 9
Member
5663 posts
Bee Keeper

The texting an ex all day? Deleting convos? Making plans? Hell no to all this. Call me what you will but I’d be done. I wouldn’t like any of that. Too much opportunity for things to get weird and what’s he doing all day that he can text all these women in addition to you? Hell nah. 

Post # 10
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

What caused you to lose trust in him in the first place?

I’m going to play devil’s advocate here. He asks you to send texts for him on a regular basis, so he isn’t being shady by trying to hide his phone and its contents.

The fact that he deleted a conversation is suspicious, but I can see why he would be worried that an innocent conversation could possibly set you off. I would be completely freaked out if my SO confronted me with evidence from a phone bill. That’s some out there stuff.

People can be friends with exes. People can send pictures to each other that aren’t sexual in nature. I’m not sure your post indicates that he actually did anything wrong, just that it looks like he did something wrong. It honestly sounds like you don’t want him to be friends with his exes at all. I don’t think reading through people’s text conversations is necessarily healthy behavior when you don’t have a previous misdeed to base your suspicions upon (not saying I haven’t done it, as I also tend to be an overly worried person, but it doesn’t make it healthy behavior).

Either way, I don’t think this is a promising relationship.

Post # 11
Member
4366 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

 Look at the person you have become in this relationship. Despite doing everything “right”, youare still unable to trust because he keeps acting shady. With everything you’re doing he continues to violate your trust, and you continue to dig. Is this the life you want? The person who you want to be?

He doesn’t love you. At least not the way he should. I know this because he continues to disrespect you, and that’s not how you treat someone you love.

Post # 12
Member
285 posts
Helper bee

I could have written this almost to a T a few years ago.  My ex was like this and had me convinced that I was the problem.  He had one ex that lived a few blocks away from us that he spoke to regularly that he never mentioned to me.  At that point we were dating for 2 1/2 years and had been living together for a 1/2 a year.  He never mentioned her name it was like this person never existed and he was deleting messages faster than they came in.

I wish I would have trusted my gut then and walked away instead of sticking around for another 2 1/2 years of mental anguish.  5 years I spent with that loser that I can never get back.  And I swear I was convinced that I was insecure and crazy because he told me so. Don’t be like me.  Leave now before you waste anymore time.  

Post # 13
Member
7441 posts
Busy Beekeeper

“I also know he will immediately become the martyr and say he’s not good at this, he’s screwing everything up, it’s not what it looks like, he wishes I would just trust him, etc.” and I’ll end up moving mountains to make him feel better and reassure him that everything is okay, as completely screwed up as that sounds.”

My last ex would always play the victim like this, and for a long time I fell right into his trap. It’s so frustrating being with a person like this because it makes communication impossible. When your partner turns himself into the victim every time you go to him with a complaint about a hurtful thing he did to you, it makes you not want to complain about things, which causes communication to break down – vicious cycle. 

Anyway, yeah, everything you described sounds shady as hell. And you’re already in therapy! So I’m not sure this is salvageable, or really even worth trying to save anymore than you already have. 

As heartbreaking as it is to leave someone you’re still in love with, that’s what I think you need to do. You’ve acknowledged you don’t like the person you’re becoming in this relationship. Your relationship should be a source of stability and joy, not a source of angst.

Post # 14
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I would just break up with him already. Is this how you want to live? Watching his every move and going through his stuff all the time? Trust me I have been there… wish I walked way before I did. He doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong, so you’re inherently incompatible. Unfortunately it sounds like the agreement in his mind wasn’t to stop doing it–it was to stop getting caught.

Post # 15
Member
923 posts
Busy bee

Firstly, you don’t have to be comfortable with your SO still being friends with their ex(es). There’s a difference between remaining friendly with an ex, and actually maintaining a relationship (friendship) with them. Personally I’m not comfortable with the latter, and I don’t believe that’s unreasonable for most situations.

If he’s trying to be transparent with you and assure you that his friendships are innocent, he should NOT be taking phone calls from his exes while you’re not home, and if he’s texting things that you could possibly “read into”, he probably shouldn’t be texting those things. If it were truly innocent, there wouldn’t be anything to be read into. The same goes for the meetup plans, which really confuses me…he didn’t want you to “stress out” about it, but if that’s something you’d stress out about, then why would he be trying to make meetup plans to begin with? It doesn’t sound like he’s respecting you at all. And I agree with PP who say it sounds like he’s gaslighting you.

Do not let him make you feel like you’re being “psycho” or “overly jealous”. I understand that you love him and you want to work on this, and if you truly believe it’s worth it then you can certainly make the choice to stay…however, you don’t have to live like this. I understand exactly how that paranoia feels because there was a time I was only dating buttholes who were giving me reason to be paranoid…yet I felt like I was overreacting and being “crazy” so I turned a blind eye to many red flags, but it never felt good to live like that. When you’re truly someone’s one and only, they shouldn’t have to go out of their way to prove it, because it’ll be so clear to you…I didn’t understand that until I met my D-H, who has never given me a reason to doubt because he’s always been transparent about everything from the very start. Now that I know what it’s like to be respected, I can’t believe I put up with that paranoia for so long. I’m confident you could find someone who will give you the respect and transparency you deserve 🙂

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