(Closed) MAJOR vent about looking at rings-ticked off

posted 12 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

It must be really frustrating to date someone for six years without a ring (I’d be ready to take hostages if I were in your position), but there are a lot of guys in their mid-twenties who just aren’t quite ready for marriage.  If your boyfriend falls into this category, then pressure isn’t going to remedy the situation.  It is also possible (as the above posters have noted) that your boyfriend is ready, but wants to do things on his own schedule (men are usually pretty stubborn this way).    

 

 

Post # 18
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

deep breaths! what a terrible situation. personally, i would have let it go after the first time he said he’d wait outside. but i know how you feel in wanting to get on with it already and wanting him to know exactly what you like and don’t like. it definitely seems like he has his own schedule in his mind and didn’t want to be forced into looking at rings in case you saw something and he might feel pressured to buy it. i agree with a lot of the bees posting here that you should apologize or least admit that you may have pressured him into something he didn’t want to do but also, that you really love him and you’re just so excited to be married to him that you just wanted to include him the process and make sure everything is just right!

i’m sure things will be fine!

Post # 19
Member
3674 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

i learned very quickly, you can’t make boys do wedding related things when they don’t want to. it’s annoying, mainly because we tend to always want to be doing them, but they don’t. he’ll do it on his own time.

Post # 20
Member
44 posts
Newbee

I have felt VERY frustrated with my SO but I have NEVER given him the silence treatment it’s kind of immature. Do you really love him? Or have you been with him so long and want to be married so bad that you are clinging to him? Once again I am not trying to be mean but I really don’t think you have anything to be mad about. Frustrated yes, angry to the point of not talking to him no.

I’m kind of confused because your original posted sounded like you asked he said no you begged and pushed he said ok and then changed his mind. Then you comment further down said he said ok then changed his mind nothing about him originally saying no. If he originally said no then I stick with my original comment but if he said yes we can go in and then changed his mind its a little different. If it is the second one (and only you would know) then I say theres something up. Maybe he has a ring picked out and doesn’t want you to change his mind.I still don’t think you should be that angry, but obvisiously you are maybe its more than just that.

I think you two need to sit down and discuss where you both are at. Sending him pictures of the rings you like might not be helping.

Communication the one the most important things for a successful relationship. Not talking to him or about the situation is only hurting your relationship not making him change his mind and run out a buy a ring to change everything.

Post # 21
Member
749 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I dont’ think you two need to discuss rings; I think you need to discuss marriage and a timeline for it.

Post # 22
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with Corgi – maybe he wants to pick our your ring all by himself.  I never looked at rings with my husband – all he knew was that I didnt want yellow gold.  The ring he chose was perfect and I never knew a thing about it until he asked.  Maybe he wants it to be a surprise when he gets one for you.

Post # 23
Member
958 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

He probably wants it to be a surprise.  I’d lay off the ring talk/emails for awhile and see what happens.  In general, men don’t respond well to that kind of pressure.

He probably has some sort of plan and thinks you’re “ruining” it by always bringing it up.

Post # 24
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I agree with cheerful. 

It sounds as though the two of you might be on very different pages regarding marriage and timing.

Once you’ve calmed down and are ready, I think you ought to have a real brass tacks conversation about your expectations and his.  You might not like the answers you get, so be prepared for that, but it’s not fair to either of you to keep going in circles if your priorities can’t be reconciled.

 

Post # 25
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee

maybe he already has your ring?

Post # 26
Member
2631 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry. Maybe he’s not ready yet?

Post # 27
Member
3793 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

It sounds to me like he’s really not ready yet…  It could be for any number of reasons, but it sounded pretty extreme.

Knowing my personality, I’d wait until I was very calm and then bring it up as a topic of discussion in a non-confrontational way… Like, “You seemed really uncomfortable with ring browsing the other day, and I just wondered what that was about?”

At least you can use it as a barometer for whether he’s 1) not ready 2) having second thoughts 3) already working on something…

Best of luck!

Post # 28
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m thinking he’s probably not ready yet.  With a tentative date for summer 2011 this is really “soon” for engagement talk to most men.  We’re getting married next October… less than a year and my SO thinks we don’t need to worry about venues and what not.

Guys are crazy weird when it comes to the engagement.  And they should be.  Depending on the guy they want things to be perfect, timed right, and above all be 110% sure you’ll say yes and that it’s whats best for both of you.  This is one of the few things they have control over in the wedding and they use that to their best advantage.  

I “thought” my man was un–interested and I should send him pics etc… only to find out he HAD been looking a long time to learn about rings, pricing, what he can afford, what he thinks I like and then finally came the fateful… “would you like to look.”

I’d say, at this point in the game… you should stop sending him images of rings.  Don’t ask to go in.  Apologize, tell him you’re not trying to rush an engagement and your sorry if it seems you might be from sending him pictures etc.  Ask if Aug. 2011 is still the plan… if yes then say “All I ask is that you give me a full year to deal with planning.”  You’ve got about 9 1/2 months until the year mark…

Post # 29
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I was in the same boat! I kept sending pictures of rings, wanting to go into the stores etc. My now Fiance was so not into it and pissed him off that I kept bringing it up all the time. He said I talked and thought about it way too much and it wasn’t going to happen until I laid off so he could do it in his own time.

I finally just dropped it 100% and didn’t talk about rings, dresses etc anything and when he did propose 2 months later it was a total surprise.

I found out he didn’t want to go into the stores w/me because he had already been in there and didn’t want the salesman to let on that he had been in there, and also because he had already made my ring from a different jeweler that had a better selection and ordered it offline so he didn’t even need to go to the store. 

That could very well be the case. Trust me, guys don’t want the pressure so just relax and I believe it will happen since you have discussed marriage etc before. He probably just wants to surprise you like my Fiance did with me.

 

 

Post # 30
Member
2492 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I feel like he either a)isn’t ready or just hasn’t THOUGHT about it beyond a “someday…” or b) has been thinking about it but wants to do it all by himself and make you proud 🙂

I think you need to sit down, and in a non attacking way, talk to him about you as a couple, your relationship, and your future. Do a LOT of listening with this conversation and let him talk.

good luck and don’t let this hurt you to badly, you know your man cares so much about you and it wasn’t meant to hurt you!

*hugs*

Post # 31
Member
4005 posts
Honey bee

My thought is the same as some other posters – maybe he already has a ring picked out, and he’s afraid you might point out something that’s completely different. Rejection isn’t always the easiest thing to swallow. Try to give him the benefit of the doubt and don’t be mad.

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