(Closed) Major vent, need some serious help with this one [NWR] VERY LONG.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

It seems fairly simple to me: quit involving these people in your life. There is nothing to gain from having contact with your abusers, them being family shouldn’t change that. 

Post # 6
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

I do not trust this situation at all. not to freak you out or anything but alarm bells are ringing in my head-‘we need to talk… come over where my parents and I will be waiting’….

 

remembered what happened to your mum? Not to be super negative or anything but I’ve always been super wary of people that have done this kind of stuff and even though its been absolute years and hes made a lot of effort, whats there to gurantee something like that wont happen again? Especially when (from what it sounds like) you are not all that close to him either.

 

You do not owe him anything. After all that trauma hes caused you and your mum, hes bloody lucky hes even still in your life.

 

Like hes been a wonderful doting father all these years?!? He beat up your mother.. In front of you. He has no right to all of a sudden be a ‘worried loving daddy’… neither do his parents.

 

I would be tempted to tell them they can swivel-its my decision to get married and whether they like it or not, its not going to influence me in anyway, and they should consider themselves I even told them of the engagement after all they’ve done.

 

Its not just one incident Im basing this on, your dads cut you out of his life before- parenthood should be a life time commitment!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

sorry if Im being ridiculously negative but I really dont think you should go over there-especially on your own, i just dont trust the situation. plus, if they wanna talk, why dont they come to you? Why are they SUMMONING YOU to theirs?

 

I know its impersonal but given how they’ve been in the past I dont think its that harsh to even tell them over the phone or something

 

sorry if this is in any way offensive-I realise I’ve no right to be telling you to do this and that, just the situation sounsd really frustating for you.

 

J.

Post # 7
Member
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’m with CallmeC.  Just because you were summoned to answer for some perceived transgressions doesn’t mean you actually have to go.  What concerns me is the repeating history.  In regards to what happened in ’99, you say “and so it began: my dad and his parents barge in stating that they need to have a discussion with my mother…okay, no problem, right? WRONG!”  Then about tomorrow you say that “Okay, so this morning my dad calls me, and angrily tells me that I need to come over tomorrow [to his house] to have a “discussion.”  

I would simply let them know that the last discussion they attempted to have ended in bloodshed and that you will not let that happen again.  Therefore, you will not be going to your father’s house tomorrow.  If that’s a problem with them then you will not be going to your father’s house ever. 

Post # 8
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

You tell your father in no uncertain terms:

You do not have control over any aspect of my life.

You are, right now, invited to my wedding (is he?), but if you continue to act in such an erratic, dysfunctional way, then I do not have to have you or anybody in your family in my wedding- or in my future life. Behave, or get out of my life.

Also, I would heartily tell your grandparents to go eff off.

Seriously, I respect my elders and love my grandparents so so much. But if any person ever had the gall to speak to me or of me or whatever in such a disrespectful manner, I will cut them out.

Post # 11
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Just tell your dad that you aren’t coming and that the discussion can happen on the phone. Then don’t have anything to do with your grandparents. It’s as hard and difficult as you want it to be.

Post # 12
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If u go over there, don’t go alone.

Post # 13
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I agree with PP and there is no way in hell I would go over to his house. There isn’t really anything to discuss as you describe it. I would call him to let him know youre not coming over. You should restate the facts calmly. 1) He and his parents creates a traumatic childhood event, resulting in you feeling uncomfortable around them. It was real and it has repercussions. 2) You have very maturely given them a 2nd chance to be a part of your life -something that you aren’t obligated to do. 3) If he has other concerns he’d like to discuss, meeting in a public place is the only option. 4) If anything above isn’t agreeable to him, you’re sorry he feels that way, but you won’t be changing your mind.

These sound like awfully unstable people and I think you’re right to limit contact with them. Don’t let him make the conversation emotional. Stay calm, repeat your feelings firmly and concisely, and end the conversation with a “I don’t feel comfortable with the tone/way this conversation is going. If you’d like to talk later more calmly, I will speak with you then. Goodbye.” Your dad sounds like he gets his way and manipulates with fear/intimidation. He can’t use those tools if you’re not speaking in person and you stay calm. Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

 Sorry about all of this I can’t even imachine what that must be like.  I hope you have gone through counseling/are in therapy to work through this because it is all very unhealthy.  I’ve never been in such a situation but if I was I feel like I’d just say f – them all and not entertain any of it anymore. They all suck and sound verymean and manipulative. Good luck.

Post # 15
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

DO NOT GO! 

They have control issues and they are upset because they cannot control you or your life. They are obviously never going to change and any sense you want to talk into them will not work. They will not listen to reason and you should not put yourself in danger to waster your breath.

I would write down a concise thougtline on how you feel. Ex. “Dad your parents were never there for me for no reason, never called etc. and you your did this and that…

Then call him and read the statement…DO NOT GET INTO IT WITH THEM! They are looking to have you agree with them and anything you say to the contrary will anger them. They are not looking to listen to you. 

If they choose to ignore you its there fault but you will not go through this anymore.

If he raises his voice etc warn him once you will hang up and if he does it again hang up and disconnect your phone. 

Take the power back in the raltionship. You have the power to control how this plays out. You will only speak to him on your terms when he is calm. You have no idea how thinking like this will calm your nerves. You need to take back the power in your dynamic.

As for your sister and step-mum. I would just text them and let them knwo whats happening and you ca have coffee and catch up seperate from your dad. You are adults seeing eachother without parents is easy.

Post # 16
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

O wow, you definitely DO NOT need any of these people in your life. You are an adult now, and you have the complete right and authority to say no. Your father can not control you, and nor can his parents.

If you do ever agree to see them, bring Fiance. He’s your family now. 

I understand that you of course have feelings for your dad and his parents, and would ideally want them to like you, but I promise you, you don’t NEED their like, love, or approval. Your life will be healthier and safer without them. 

((Hugs))

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