- 6 years ago
- Wedding: May 2015 - Motor Yacht Destiny
My dear fellow bees, I have never posted a major vent like this before, not here or anywhere else. In fact, I have only explained this entire frustrating story to only a few people, fiance and best friend included, not because it’s ultra personal, but because I could never properly word it and just make it sound normal…so I’m going to try now. First off, I am 20 years old and got engaged on May 29th, 2012 to a wonderful man who I’ve been dating for nearly 6 years. His parents and my mother are wonderful and very happy for us, and we are planning a 2015 wedding so we can be done with undergrad. Here’s some more background, my mother and father have been divorced since 1999 (when I was 7), and my father was a very emotionally and physically abusive man to both my mother and I. That being the biggest reason for my parents’ divorce, there were also some smaller ones, such as my dad’s bipolar disorder and mainly – his parents. His mother, whom I refuse to call “grandma,” also suffers from bipolar disorder, but as a budding clinical psychologist, I know that there is therapy and treatment for bipolar disorder that can help an individual lead a normal life.
In September of 1999, a few days before second grade for me, my father [who lived with my mother and I] came home from his parents house with his parents at around 10 P.M. My mother’s mother [whom I love to death], was also there with us for the summer [she lives in Russia otherwise], and so it began: my dad and his parents barge in stating that they need to have a discussion with my mother…okay, no problem, right? WRONG! They end up arguing terribly about how my mother isn’t a good wife and about how she has taken away their son and a lot of irrelevent shit, and everyone ends up fighting – literally fists flying fighting. My dad’s mother slapped my mom right in front of me, my dad attacked my mother’s mother and ripped her dress so badly that she was actually exposed, I tried to run out of the house to our neighbors and my dad dragged me back inside screaming, my mom tried to get away and call the cops in her bedroom and my dad ran in after her and locked the door, at that point I was somewhere throwing up – I’M SORRY IF THIS IS Too Much Information, AND NOW YOU SEE WHY ONLY MY FIANCE AND BEST FRIEND KNOW ABOUT THIS… – and then in that bedroom, my dad beat the shit out of my mom…broke her nose, broke her rib, and just a variety of terrible things. At that point my mom’s mother locked herself and myself in my bedroom and I really don’t remember the rest…I think I fainted, it was bad. If you’re imagining a horrific bloody mess with screaming, crying, running, bones breaking, and something too ugly, unbelievable, and disgusting to even truly beleive – THEN YOU’VE PROBABLY IMAGINED IT EXACTLY CORRECT. When I woke up, I think it was the next day…the cops were called and my dad was arrested and my mother and I filed restraining orders against his entire family. However, as my mother didn’t want this on my dad’s record, she dropped the charges – she has since said that that was the biggest mistake she had ever made. In the next few months there were many court dates and things to discuss, and it all ended with divorce and supervised visitation rights between my father and I. After I believe 6 months of those, the visitation rights became unsupervised and at that point my dad dropped them altogether. I saw him perhaps once every few months, and it was always bad since he was trying to get me to go see his parents, whom I was terrified of, and he would flip out on me, turn me into a weeping mess and then deliver me back home to my mom.
As I got older though, around 11 at this point, my dad stopped trying to force me to see his parents and things got sort of okay. He also married another woman who had a daughter 5 years older than me. I got along very well with his new family and really love them, they are wonderful people, and since I was an only child, having an older sister was very nice. It has since been 10 years of my dad’s marriage and I still love his family to death, and my 25 year old sister is regarded as a blood sibling and nothing less.
Right after my 15th Birthday, my dad called me up and invited me to his Birthday party [his Birthday is a week after mine]. Since he had never invited me before, I was pretty excited but then hit with a terrible feeling that his parents would undoubtedly be there. I told him no, that I was sorry but I couldn’t make it because I had no desire to see his parents. And then the shit hit the fan. He called me a disgusting liar, told me I wasn’t worth anything, and to forget his number. Afterwards we had no contact for 3 years.
Fast forward to my 18th Birthday, he shows up at my door with flowers and cards and asks when my graduation ceremony is…so I invite him. Okay, everything goes well, I see his family [minus parents] once again, very happy because I missed them, and for the next 2 years [until now] everything goes very well….until last fall.
My dad’s father landed himself in the hospital, and the nurse assigned to him is none other than my mother. She couldn’t turn down a patient and so she went in. At first they didn’t even recognize her. It had been 12 years since they last saw each other or spoken. After finally figuring out who she was, they suddenly embraced her and told her how much they missed her and me and how badly they wanted to see us…WTF?! They invite us over for Thanksgiving dinner, and we go…partly out of curiosity, partly out of just…wtf? Eveything goes very well, they are all over my mom and I, saying how they want to forget the past and how they need us in their old age and how much they missed us….okay.
Then a few months later, they call my mom on her Birthday. When their Birthday’s roll around a few months after that, she does not call them since she has nothing to do with them, and while we went to their Thanksgiving dinner, for my mom that was more of a closing chapter on the unfinished, cut off, relationship that ended abruptly in 1999 after years of their hatred towards her. My dad however nags me desperately to call them and go their for their Birthdays, so I figure, okay, maybe this will be my closing chapter, something therapeutic for me, so I do it. Everything seems fine, they “love” me, my dad is happy, we’re all one big “family.” Right after their Birthdays, in late May, I went on a cruise with my SO, who proposed on the cruise and we came back engaged. Both my future in laws and my mom are thrilled, yay, and then I tell my dad…he acts weird and starts bringing up some bullshit about me not finishing school and having kids…and I tell him that that is ridiculous and totally off from reality. He calls me 2 days later and says he told his parents…okay, fine, whatever. From there on in, complete silence on his parents end. They refuse to speak to me, never called to congratulate me or even acknowledge anything – even though before the cruise everything was “wonderful” and “they were so excited about the cruise.” Next comes my Birthday, on June 17th, and my dad comes over, gives me flowers and gifts from himself and his family [my step-mom and sister], and then a blank card from his parents…no names, no dates, blank. Okay? Sure. A week later comes his Birthday and I am once again invited to his party. During the party his parents avoid me completely, refuse to speak to me, ignore me and my ring, and refuse to even pass me food on the table. Now what the hell did I do to make them so mad?
Okay, so this morning my dad calls me, and angrily tells me that I need to come over tomorrow [to his house] to have a “discussion.” He tells me my “grandparents” are very angry with me and that so is he, and that we need to talk because I’m ruining the family. He tells me they’re angry because I didn’t tell them I was planning on getting engaged, but I told my mom [which he found out when he asked if anyone knew prior to our actual engagement] and that he is also angry with me, and that there are a variety of things that need to be “discussed.” WTF DOES THIS MEAN?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Now I am worried sick about tomorrow because while I intend to stand up to my father once and for all and while I logically know that he can and will do NOTHING to hurt me, my inner beat up 7 year old is unable to eat or sleep. I want to tell him once and for all that I want to have nothing to do with his parents, that they’ve had no contact with me for 12 years, prior to last Thanksgiving [no phone calls or anything], and that while I did come back and give them a chance as an adult to see if maybe they’ve changed, that they obviously haven’t because like they were during my childhood, they are angry about something ridiculous and I have to hear it from my father [that was the reason he would beat me and my mother btw – because my mom forgot to call them or say hello when they called, and because they were angry.] I need to tell him everything and make it clear to him that I remember everything from 1999, because he has always denied it and called me a brainwashed [by my mother] liar whenever I tried to bring it up. I am a very strong person and have no trouble telling in like it is, but I am obscenely terrified of tomorrow, but it needs to be done, because I’m an adult, getting married, finishing school, and I DON’T NEED THIS SHIT IN MY FUCKING LIFE ANYMORE. I’ve had countless hours of therapy, medication, interventions, etc. all leading up to this moment, to the moment where I’m an adult and am not afraid of my father anymore. God, I’m SO SORRY this is so long, and if you don’t want to read it, I understand, but I just needed to get it off my chest, and I need help. What would you do? Have you ever had to confront someone and get something serious off your chest? Break free? I’m losing it.