Post # 1
I just want to start off by saying that I am a totally shy people pleaser. I always assume I’m wrong whenever there’s a dissagreement and try and see things from the other person’s point of view. That being said, I have one older biological sister who has the same parents I do, one younger half sister who has a different mom, and my future sister in law is my best friend in the entire world, so I also consider her a sister. Not even a month into my engagment, I thought about it and decided that I wanted my best friend to be my maid of honor which was perfect, because she has wedding expirience, lives in my city, and we spend all of our time together already. My older sister lives 4 hours away, and my younger is 17 and has no interest in helping anyone plan a wedding. I thought it was great that I didn’t have to choose between my blood sisters. Well, I thought wrong! Not even two months into my engagement, my older sister informed me that because she wasn’t my maid of honor, she not only didn’t want to be in the wedding but didn’t want to be AT my wedding. My own sister! She said it would be embarassing. Embarassing. To stand by me on the biggest day of my life. I don’t know what to do. I am furious. I don’t want to fold and tell her I was wrong like I always do. I just don’t know what to do! help me!!!
Post # 3
I think that you should wait out on talking to her for a little bit so that she has time to calm down. I think that her feelings are hurt right now so she is saying hurtful things. If you can wait for her to calm down you might be able to have a more civilized talk about it. But I am curious…How is your relationship normally? Does she always get what she wants from you?
Post # 4
yes, she has been walking all over me my whole life.
Post # 5
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
It’s hard to say, not knowing your family. If this were my sister, I’d ignore the blow-up, expect she’ll be a bridesmaid and attend, and change nothing… because in my family, people act like ridiculous drama queens and threaten all kinds of garbage, and NEVER follow through. Do you think she’ll folow through? If she is likely to, and you really want her at your wedding and to keep the peace, tell her you asked your friend because she’s close by and is really excited about helping you and you thought she wouldn’t want to be involved in the day-to-day because it would be a hassle for her (or something like that), and offer to make her a co-MOH–one to do the work, one to get her name on a program or something so she doesn’t make you miserable. But don’t demote your best friend, because I’m sure she’ll be much less drama!
Post # 6
Well part of the problem then is that she thinks she can bully you into letting her be the Maid/Matron of Honor. Try not to cave in because that’s what she wants. I would still wait a little and see if she can accept being a bridesmaid. Can your mom help calm things down?
p.s. I noticed it’s your first Weddingbee post. Welcome to the hive.
Post # 7
Where you considering her as a bridesmaid?
Post # 8
Can you just explain to your sister that you didn’t want to choose between her and your younger sister for Maid/Matron of Honor but you still want both of them in your wedding? I agree that you shouldn’t back down. This is your wedding and if you will be happier with your sister-in-law as your Maid/Matron of Honor I think you should absolutely have her standing next to you! You don’t want to resent your Maid/Matron of Honor for her bullying you into the position.
Post # 9
Don’t let her bully you. The not coming to the wedding thing is totally an empty threat to try to get you to make her Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 10
Look, I have to admit I was guilty of this with my sister. She got engaged and took a really long time (in girl time) to even talk about her wedding party. We also have a half sister, but she’s the oldest and super-involved in both our weddings. While she was deciding on who was going to be Maid/Matron of Honor, she called me and actually said she was leaning towards her best friend (who she is not as close with) because she didn’t want to choose between me and our other sister and she thought that when I got married (I was not engaged at the time) I would choose my best friend to be my Maid/Matron of Honor so it would all work out in the end.
I was furious because I never was going to choose my best friend to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, but always said she’d be a bridesmaid. I think my sister made that up to back up her choice. I told my sister (calmly) that I don’t know why she thought that about my Boyfriend or Best Friend, but my plan was to always ask HER to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and still was. I also told her that I didn’t think she should ask a friend just to make things fair between me and our older sister.
Based on what I told her, we decided that the two sisters would be co-MOH’s for both of our weddings. And it’s worked out really well. Her choosing her Boyfriend or Best Friend to be Maid/Matron of Honor would have been a very bad choice – we are closer to her than this Boyfriend or Best Friend and way more available/able to organize all the events, etc.
But getting back to you – I definitely think your sister is being a spoiled brat. Had my sister stuck to her guns and chosen this Boyfriend or Best Friend, I would have been supportive and made it work because ultimately it’s her wedding. Also, I would have been happy to be included as a Bridesmaid or Best Man instead of not asked at all and at least had the consolation of the fact that our other sister was just a Bridesmaid or Best Man as well. I agree with other posters your sister is trying to bully you and defnitely should not win. I think you should say to her “I’m sorry you feel this way, I hope you will change your mind and be part of my bridal party as it would mean a lot to me” and just leave it at that. Hopefully she will get enough pressure from family that she’ll crack eventually and either be a Bridesmaid or Best Man or attend the wedding. Otherwise, probably better she’s not there.
Post # 11
This is a tough one, I can’t believe your sister is putting you in that position! Miss Spaniel had a really good question — do you think your sister will actually follow through on her threat to not be there? My guess would be no, but I don’t know your sister.
Don’t back down on your Maid/Matron of Honor choice, and try not to explain yourself too much either — if you argue with your sister, she will think that you might still change your mind. Say something like, “I am sorry you are so hurt, I wasn’t trying to make you feel unimportant. I chose Best Friend as my Maid/Matron of Honor because she lives in my city and is already helping me so much with the planning. It would mean a lot to have you as a bridesmaid because you are my sister and I love you and I was looking forward to getting ready with you and having you stand with me at the altar when I say my vows. But if you don’t think that’s important enough to come to my wedding for, that is your choice.” No matter what she says, stand firm — your Maid/Matron of Honor decision is final.
Can your parents talk to her? Because she is being really ridiculous, and I would hope your mom might be able to remind her that being a bridesmaid is still very special, and that your wedding day is not about whether or not she has the “title” she was hoping for.
Post # 12
Miss Belle, she is trying to make this all about her – don’t let her! I’ve read wayyyy too many posts on here from brides who have already been bullied into letting someone be their Maid/Matron of Honor that they didn’t originally want, and things never seem to get any better from there.