(Closed) Major worries for the future…sorry long

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Hmm.. well I can relate to your first point. I had a few boyfriends before Fiance and he definitely brings it up in a way that offends me sometimes. Truth is, I know that my relationship with the past boyfriends are simply that … in the past … and I’d like to keep it there. I get annoyed when it comes up (which is so very rarely) and usually just ignore it. He doesn’t get a rise out of me so he usually lets it go pretty quick.

As far as the $ thing goes… he really needs to sit down with his parents and establish what his salary is. This isn’t an allowance, this is income and it will determine the rest of his financial future. his parents should be accommodating to this and surely must understand the need for a little financial security.

Sorry I’m not more help!

Post # 4
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

re: issue #1:  stop talking about your past relationships.  PERIOD.  It’s taken me a very long to realize this in my own life – but I finally understood that current BF’s, let alone FH’s, don’t want to hear that another man was the object of your affections.  I know to us girls, it doesn’t seem that way (because we are with our FH!) but it strikes some ‘man’ nerve to them.  Chat with your ex to your girlfriends, but leave the ex’s out of any future conversations.  

The parent issue is the ‘real’ issue, IMO.  Unless he learns to stick up for himself, he’ll never get out from under the control of his parents.  You and he are planning to be a unit and if he can’t figure out where his priorities are with that, you are in for a very long road.  Have you discussed your concerns about his controlling family with him?  Is he open to finding a new job?  Has he respected any wishes of yours to keep YOUR business YOUR business?  I can understand families meaning well and wanting to know details, but if you’ve asked him not to say anything and he feels he HAS to – then, quite frankly, he’s not ready to grow up.

Maybe try to talk to him when you aren’t heated about it.  Sometimes regular conversations can quickly turn into arguments when there’s a lot of emotion involved.   If you feel you’ve tried this, perhaps suggest some couple counseling to discuss the extended family.  You owe it to yourself to explore this before walking down the aisle.

Post # 5
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2008

Wow these are some really tough issues!

On the first one, it sounds like he’s holding onto some insecurity from somewhere.  Since you have already talked to him about it, it’s hard to know what steps to take next.  I would recommend talking to a counselor, but it doesn’t sound like your fiance will want to sign on for that.

On the second issue, this really could be a deal breaker.  I mean, I know you have already talked to him, but without threatening him, I think you should point out that you expect him to help support your life together and not having regular paychecks is absolutely not working.  Unless his parents can at least pay him minimum wage every month, he has to find another job.  This isn’t something you can go on living with…

I feel bad that you are in this situation, but stick to your guns and tell your fiance what you need.  And don’t let him tell you that you are being unreasonable, because you are definitely not from an outside perspective!  Good luck…

Post # 7
Member
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I am so sorry to hear about your situation.  In all honestly, my friend went through something very similar.  The result was a divorce.  His family was just in the way of anything and everything they tried to do, and she became flat-out disgusted at the amount of control he let his parents have over his life.  He had no career ambitions because he was told exactly what he WILL do.  He was afraid to stand up to his parents, and she was miserable over this. 

He worked for the family business also.  He rented a house owned by his parents.  Dinner with them was a requirement every Sunday night.  (keep in mind, he was 33) She just couldn’t take it.  She wanted a man with ambition who was not afraid to stick up for himself and his wife.

I don’t want to bring you down or discourage you.  I just want you to think realistically about your future.  I wish you the best!!!

Post # 8
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

My best advice to you is to try to go to couples counseling. I have a feeling that as long as he is working for his parents, they are always going to have some kind of control over him. Have you two talked about him gettng another job? I know this isn’t the best time to be job hunting but maybe he can at least start working on his resume. I don’t know what else to tell you. Good luck.

Post # 9
Member
10 posts
Newbee

 

My advice is similiar; 1. do not talk about exes ever. Even if your Fiance had had 100 girlfriends before you and you had one Boyfriend or Best Friend he would not want to hear you talk about it. Just don’t talk about them, there is no need.  My Darling Husband does not want me talking about exes nor do I want to hear about his, even if it "oh so and so was just awful".

2. why doesn’t he branch out and get another job? I know this economy is terrible and this is not the best time to be looking but people are still being hired. In the long run maybe not working in the family biz would equal better relationships with his own parents (your in-laws)

 good luck

Post # 10
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

The first issue is in your court and I think it is rather easier to resolve this problem.  It will be beneficial for you both that you stop talking about your ex’s.  Although you mean no harm in it, it can easily be mistaken.  People don’t like to be compared to in general, even if they are the better comparison.  Let the past be behind you and don’t include them in your thoughts.  Sometimes it can’t be helped (I know i’ve been guilty of this before!) but i think if you can help it, refrain from mentioning it to him.  It’s probably hard for him to relate since you are his one and only.

Issue #2 can lead to some serious problems in the future and it’s something that’s not in your court.  It’s in his.  Althought I think all you need is love, yadda yadda yadda …there are other factors that can ruin a perfect relationship and I think this is one of them.  Sit him down, talk to him and let him know how serious this is!  This needs to get resolved before the wedding.  Once you guys are married, you’re family…and might feel like it’s obligatory to agree to all this.  He needs to break away from his nest!  First of all, he needs to have a life of his own without parents always interfering.  Is the the only child?  Secondly, stable income is important.  Economy sucks but it’s not a complete closed door.  What will happen if you guys choose to have children?  You’ll need to take leave for a couple of weeks and you will need stable income to help support the family.  At least if it’s stable, you’ll be able to plan, even if he got $200 stable income a week.  Thirdly, no one deserves to be put down like that.  His family should be supportive and encouraging.  They’re taking full advantage of him!

 I hope things work out for the best….

Post # 12
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

As far as I can tell, both issues are the same.  I think he has some serious self esteem/confidence issues.  His parents bully him and baby him, it’s no wonder he is insecure about your exes.  I don’t think this is your issue.  He would be this way with anyone he dates.  I don’t think couples counseling would hurt, but I don’t think it’s really what is needed.  He needs to go to counseling on his own. 

 

Post # 13
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Honestly, until he fixes the thing with his parents, I would put wedding plans on hold. He needs to man up and be an adult. If he can’t help support y’all because he can’t stand up to his parents, I would truly reconsider if you want him to be your partner in life. 

The ex thing is a moo point {a cow’s opinion} because of the huge issue with his parents. He needs to stop complaining about that and start complaining to his parents about their issues!

Post # 14
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Don’t take this the wrong way – but he sounds like he likes to complain about it (his work) (ie: the – find me another job) – Yet, that’s all it really is.  (It’s almost like he just wants you to empathize with him vs. fix it).  

I’m seriously concerned about his response to finding another job.  I’m also a little worried that he can live with YOUR parents and not take himself seriously.  That’s GOT to stop.

…re: the ex’s – WHAT??!  How can he get mad at YOU for THEM talking about the ex’s.  Can you give us more context?  Were they speaking of an ex highly?  How often does this happen?  …the snarky part of me would say: "Well, if you’d get another job, you wouldn’t have to HEAR the conversation in my mother’s house".

I wouldn’t even entertain the conversation, frankly.  You have no control about what other people say.  If he has an issue with it, he needs to man up and ask them not to talk about the ex’s in front of him.  It’s SO not your responsibility.

 

Post # 15
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

try to move away from the parents. never bring up your past.

Post # 16
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I don’t want to be doom and gloom here, but here is the picture you have painted for me: 

You are engaged to a man whose life is about control and insecurity. His parents control his life, the biggest way being meddling in his finances at the job, and they berate him for being inadequate. Thus he is trying to control you as a way to manage his insecurity and the lack of control over his own life.

The thing with discussing your exes demonstrates a perfect storm of these two problems: he’s insecure because he’s internalized these messages from him parents that he’ll never amount to anything, and so any mention of your past sets him off. To make himself feel in control he tells you that you’re responsible for everyone’s comments. End result? He gets off blame-free, and you and your family shower him with praise about how great he is. Great for him, not so great for you. 

He talks about wanting change, but you have to listen to a person’s behaviors to see what they’re about, not their words. His behaviors say that he’s not changing, not even close. He is not going to become flexible like you are for him just because you ask him to. You can’t change him, only he can do this. 

Moving away from the parents and not talking about your past is NOT the answer to this problem. 

Your posts have so many red flags in them.  Please please take a step back and look at the picture you’re painting here, because it isn’t a good one. You deserve so much better than this behavior.  I know he has tons of amazing qualities. You wouldn’t be engaged to him if he didn’t! But these are major, core issues and they’re not going to disappear just because you get married. 

I would recommend that you spend some time apart. Maybe you need to postpone or call off the wedding, and take some time to soul search. Tell you him what you need from him. As far as I can tell, you need him to be in charge of his own life, confident that he is a good person, that you have chosen him, that your past doesn’t matter. If he doesn’t like his work situation, he needs to stand up to his parents or get a different job. If he wants more boundaries with his parents, he needs to enforce them. And you need to show him that you won’t settle for anything less than that—if he can’t give it to you, you won’t be with him.

These are the kind of issues that you address in personal counseling. He needs to go to some, on his own. (It would probably help you too, just from an emotional standpoint, but it sounds like you’ve got a pretty good head on your shoulders.) If he’s really got it in him, it will work out for the best.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I have been in relationships like this before that were built on control and insecurity. It’s awful to contemplate being apart, I know. Most of the time things are great and wonderful, and he’s a really great guy, but these warning signs are something that you absolutely shouldn’t ignore or take lightly.

Best of luck to you, and thanks for sharing with us.

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