(Closed) Major worries for the future…sorry long

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

im hearing alot of excuses, he needs another job but phones you to find deal with it and then he does nothing, he complains about having to live with your folks but doesnt step up to make any changes/difference to his life (and your life as a couple) and he has issues with love and trust

have to tell you, and this is not going to get any better when you are married

personally i would be holding off all wedding planning until you have yourselves sorted out emotionally

btw, i dont understand why your mum & family are talking about your ex’s whether your Fiance is within earshot or not

ask yourself.. is this what you want for the REST of your life?  i really wish you the best of luck

 

Post # 18
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

He does not sound mature enough or anywhere near ready for the responsibility of being your husband and life partner.  I strongly suggest you put wedding plans on hold until you feel like you guys are ready to make decisions as a team and can have an independent life full of respect and understanding. 

Post # 19
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Haha, I agree with the person who suggested moving away from his parents. If your salary covers all the bills I say find a place as far away as you are willing to drive (there has to be something you can afford somewhere) and commute from the opposite direction! Maybe tempting him with a place of your own that just happens to be too far away from his current job will motivate him to find a new one.

As for the ex’s, while I agree that you should try to bring them up as little as possible, I also understand that it can be a very hard topic to avoid. Personally, since I’ve been old enough to date, I’ve had boyfriends for the better, or sometimes best, parts of my life … four relationships that lasted over a year. So I can’t really help it if a lot of my life stories and experiences involve an ex. Now I’ll try to edit them and tell them as if I did them with "someone," but if he asks who I won’t lie. In that case, you don’t want to know, don’t ask. I can’t be blamed for that. 😉

Best of luck with everything. Its sounds like these might be some issues you are able to work through. No relationship is perfect all of the time. I would hold off on doing anything you think you might regret. Things inevitably change (whether you want them to or not), and if for some absure reason they don’t you guys have a lifetime to work on this.

Post # 20
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Just chiming in/clarifying: They live with her parents, not his parents. I don’t think moving farther from his parents would help….the control they have over him is largely psychological (and there’s always the telephone). As long as he lets his parents walk all over him, they’re going to walk all over him whether they live nearby or not (I’ve seen it happen: I had a friend once during college whose parents forbade her to be in a car after dark. She followed this rule most of the time even though she was a grown adult and living three hours away…they called every night to check on her, too.).

Moving into your own place is not going to help the issue with his parents. It will just give you more bills and a longer commute and less time to work on your relationship.

Post # 22
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

This could go one of two ways. chelseamorning fully explained way #1, which is a definite possibility that’s what’s going on here. but, i have a friend who was in a similar situtation (her boyfriends family was vile, horrible to him all his life, and cancerous to their relationship), so i think it all depends on the vibe you get from him.

is he just really, really down on himself? does he outburst (about the ex, etc) and then feel horrible about it and apologize? is he genuinely interested in wanting a new life, but is just not confident enough that he can do it: hence, not really committing to trying. if he tries, he could fail and, in his mind, he most likely will. if this is the feeling you get from the situation, i say all is not lost.

or is he seemingly confident in other areas of life and just whiney with your relationship?  does he blame you/tell you to do things with no remorse?  does he seem to only be talking about changing just to make you feel better with no original intent to follow through? if so, go re-read what chelseamorning said, as she’s probably on the right track.

my advice on the other scenario (that he has horrible self-esteem issues, but really wants to change himself) is to postpone all wedding plans. Tell him directly that you love him, you want to always be with him, you think he can be an amazing man – he has what it takes. And to be that amazing person, he has to stand up for himself. Get a new job, tell his family flat out that they are not part of his life, and cut away from them (severing all ties is best for him, these sound like poisonous people). Tell him you’ll help him turn his life around and you believe he can do it.

If you don’t think you can have this conversation, or you think he’ll be furious to hear it, I’m not sure how far your future will go with him. you’ve got to tell him honestly that this is a dealbreaker (because it is!) and you’ll know the next step from his reaction to that. as hard as it may be, you’ve go to listen to your gut here, not your heart. i really hope this works out well for both of you, with the minimal amount of pain (although, since you said you’ve grown from all previous relationships, i KNOW you’ll be great in the end)

Post # 23
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I have to agree with KateMW- maybe it’s an Alabama thing, but she’s right. Your Fiance needs to man up.

 Period. Seriously, if things are this bad BEFORE you marry him, can you imagine what it would be like should you decide to have children??

I am SO sorry that you are going through this, I’ve been through something similar and it’s nothing short of hell. Your Fiance, for whatever reason, chooses to allow himself to be a victim. Of his own insecurities, of his past with his parents, of his reality today. He doesn’t love himself or trust himself enough to change anything right now. Until he does, I just don’t think he can love anyone else (including you- though I’m sure you’re wonderful) enough to be a life partner.

This is not your fault, not your responsibility- because each of us are ultimately responsible to ourselves for the decisions we make. He is a grown man. He needs to take the steps necessary to heal himself and act like it.

I would take a break. A real one. Walk away. Tell him to call you once he’s had some time to seek counseiling and gain some perspective. You can’t fix this for him, and if you’re standing right there, you’re just taking the place of his overbearing parents. He needs to make these changes independent of you. I’d give it nothing less than a couple of months apart. As horrible as that would be.

 Good luck honey.

Post # 24
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

MissOrchids, way to go, standing up for yourself, your relationship, and how much your Fiance means to you! I know it is hard to require this of him, but I really believe you have done the right thing.

Sometimes tough love is the only way to help someone. Best of luck with this situation! Please keep us updated and never hesitate to ask for hive hugs if you need them!

(((hug)))

Post # 26
Member
2029 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

It sounds to me like he is really really far away from having the self esteem, confidence, and maturity required for marriage. So far away that he doesn’t even know what it is he’s lacking. How old is he? He might turn out to be a wonderful husband someday, but I would give him at least a few years to grow up. He hasn’t "found himself" yet and I feel it is vitally important for him to know who HE is on his own before he takes on a shared identity in a marriage.

Also, I would for sure "take a break" with the relationship. He needs to see that it is normal to date more than one person in a lifetime, and that ex’s are a natural part of growth and experience. He NEEDS top date someone else, even if it is only briefly, and even if you two do ultimately end up back together.

On the plus side, you yourself do sound very mature and ready for marriage and even if things don’t work out with him, I’m certain you will find the happiness you are looking for.

Post # 27
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

first of all why are you talking about exes they are history; there is no need to bring them up; it means you have unresolved issues or are not over them; do nto talk about them anymore it ruins the present

 

 

second, hmm if you have a serious problem with his financial situation and family, this could be a huge issue later in marriage and may even destroy it; love does not always solve everything; you need to work on this before the wedding; if it unsatisfactory it will seriously affect your relationship int he future

 

you need to think very carefully and weigh things very carefully

 

no right answer

good luck to you

Post # 28
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

They pay him no more than 300 dollars a week for more than 50 hours of work! CRAZY. That’s 6 dollars an hour?!? At max? They are taking advantage of him and of the fact that they have emotional and financial control. He needs to (for himself) get out of that situation. Period. Many parents like this rely on and exploit the fact that their children will not do anything out of fear of hurting their parents. 

Post # 29
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I am so sorry you are going through such a stressful time.  I would try not to mention exes anymore. I have had several very long relationships before, and now I have learned, really there is no need to bring them up. My fiance and I never really talk about the past, because what matters most is our present and future. If I do have to refer to an ex, I will say ‘a friend’.  Remphasize how great your fiance is; I think given his family and job situation he needs it.

The biggest way to end the in-law involvement is for your fiance to persue another job elsewhere, and given the measly salary it’s probably not a bad idea. The parents have him by the balls so to speak.  I am an only child who lives a mile from my parents, and when my Fiance moved in- they were very meddlesome.  I had to sit them down and say "I am starting a new life and a new family. Their actions were sabotaging my relationship, and there needed to be more distance- or I would end up alone."  It was easier for me to take the stand because I am not dependent on them financially.   The first step to independence is finances. I am sure your Fiance can use the skills he has learned running the family business, and apply them to a better job elsewhere. He will need your support! Good luck!

 

Post # 30
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

Just my two cents:

The kind of control that his parents have on him isn’t something that can be undone easily and there’s no way you can do it for him. Not only does he have to recognize the damage they’re doing to him, but he has to recognize it for himself and not because you point it out. Sort of like how different it is to know something logically and stumbling upon a revelation.

To me, it seems like he has absolutely no clue what it means to be an adult, much less a family with people dependent on him. For all his complaining, he’s complacent because in the end, in his mind, this is working and there’s no real need to change. He logically recognizes that his situation is not good, but he’s too familiar with it and for all that it’s an uncomfortable place, he comfortably grooved into it.

His relationship to his family is important to him only because it’s so ingrained in him to feel this way. If he really, honestly sees the kind of damage they’re inflicting on him, and subsequently you, with every unkind word, he might feel more of an urgency to change his relationship with them.

Maybe, if you sit down and explain to him again what will be needed in a mature relationship. Meaning, acheiving financial independence, having a place of your own having children, dividing household chores – all of these things have to be talked about with the two of you as a team because you absolutely need to be SURE that you can lean and depend on each other. Right now, it looks to me like you’re the one holding everyone up – and that’s including his insecurities, lack of self esteem, lack of regular pay, and family burdens. When his family burdens him, they burden you and eventually, it means burdening your children. Will you really be able to stand up and support everyone all the time if you can’t even count on him to support himself?

Anyways, I could be totally off base here, but that’s the gist of what I got from your posts. Best of luck you both and I really hope things do turn out well for you!

Post # 31
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Miss Orchids,

I’m sorry you are going through this very difficult situation. 

When people decide to marry, they are forging a partnership to live as independent and competent adults.  If you are preparing to marry yet your situation makes it so your fiance works for his family for hardly enough pay resulting in having to live with your parents, it sounds to me that you two are NOT in a situation that makes you independent enough for marriage. 

Your Fiance feels like no one is on his side, but what he isn’t realizing that you ARE on his side.  You are seeing better than anyone how miserable his situation is, how his parents are not only telling him what he does his crap but also paying him such a sorry fee that it confirms what they say.  You can’t just sit back and let him be dragged down like this.  It isn’t right. 

When we really love someone, and it sounds like you really do love him, we encourage them to be the best they can be while being gentle and caring towards them.  This is a tough situation because that balance is hard to strike.  But you see that this situation is just NOT OKAY.  He is going to have to decide, for himself, to move on and find something else to do.  And not just for the sole reason of getting away from his parents, but also because he wants to find something for himself!  What does he WANT to do?  What is he good at?  What makes him happy?  Life is WAY too short to be miserable all day at work and then spend non work time just detaching and denying how untenable the whole situation is. 

You’ve done what you need to.  All you can really speak to is what you observe and what you are okay with and not okay with.  Then it is up to him and you can’t force it.  This stuff absolutely needs to be worked out before anything else can occur with wedding plans.  Once you’re married, these issues will just be exacerbated- his family will be more in your business and you’ll feel more pressed for actually having some independence from both of your families. 

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