Post # 32
Oh man. So sorry. I think yo’ve gotten a lot of great advice here.
More than just about any thread I’ve read on WB, I think this is a situation that you cannot correct on yor own. Nor his own. I think he seriously needs to start with a counselor. He needs to build his self esteem so he can forge ahead, with courage, to get out from under his parents. Does he even have a college education? If not, that means he might need to go to schol to get where he wants to be. He also mihht need help figuring out what he wants to do. I don’t believe him just saying "no" to his parents, or not working ofr them, or working out better wages is going to work long term. They will beat him down again.
I feel for him. What kind of parents tell there kids they’re lazy and will never amount to anything? Then work him like a mule and pay him nothing? He has a lot to work through.
Post # 33
Hey – some good news! You were able to have an honest talk with him in which he responded by choosing you! Granted, he still needs to back it up with action, but this may not be a totally lost cause. It may take a while for him to gain the confidence he needs to break away from his family’s control and grow into a man ready for marriage and a family. It will definitely be tough, but if you love him and want to help him (and he feels the same) you probably can work it out.
I disagree with some posters who have said you can’t help him do this or that you should walk away (even if temporarily). Your man sounds like he is a very fragile part of his life right now. I feel very angry towards his family. It’s so wrong to treat someone so badly that they have such low self-worth that they can’t even comprehend making a better life for themself. It’s despicable.
Just keep doing what you’re doing Miss Orchids. Encourage him, support him, and kept being firm with your needs. It sounds like he *does* know how horrible his family is and desperetly things need to change, but is too scared to do it. It’ll just take time.
That said, it could take a LOT of time. I’m not sure how far you are into planning your wedding, but you may want to serious think about pushing it back until you’re able to live on your own as a couple (read: without him working for his family). Tell everyone that you want to be able to support yourselves before you create a family. This could take some pressure off both of you and let you focus on creating a solid foundation for yourself without needed outside support. You have to do it sometime and I personally believe it’s easier before marriage.
Keep us bees posted, I’m really hoping this works out — for both of you!
Post # 34
Thanks again for all the great advice!
I have a small step in the right direction, but I’ll take it. After having a series of long talks with Mr. O, he again does say he sees my point and that he is completely made to feel guilty about either situation. He explained that everytime he says anything about leaving his mother plays up the "what will all your brothers and sisters do if your father gets hurt?!" and the "We’d have to close up because you chose yourself over your family". I understand the guilt it puts on him, but I also made sure he sees that we will be our own family some day and it’s time his parents stand on their own.
So our step in the right direction…..we opened a Post Office Box, and have gotten all of our bills moved to it, so none of his bills will be going to his parents. We also changed it so that any calls from these companys come to our cell phones and not his parents house. We found out that his mother has lied and said she’s his wife to get information about his bills once he started making sure he got to them before she could open them.
I talked to his mom because he was talking to his dad, and just basically explained how we can’t be independent and survive with a job like this. I also talked to her about how intrusive they have been and how it’s affected us. Her excuse…."he’s never shown he’s responsible so we always took care of everything." I know that this isn’t true because he has shown me his statements for his bank accounts before me and he paid all his bills, without reminder. They got nosey and wanted to see how much he was spending on me. Nice huh?
I am much happier today than I was this time yesterday, but we still have a ways to go. Thanks for all the support and kind words.
Post # 35
Glad to hear that he’s at least showing you that he understands where you’re coming from. Baby steps are still steps forward, and it sounds as if he’s slowly starting to prepare his parents for the day that he (hopefully) eventually leaves. Getting the bills mailed to the P.O. Box is perfect, and all of the calls going to cell phones is also a great idea. Most places will allow you to put a password on the account as well prior to speaking to someone about the account. For example, his mom might know his bank account number and password. Have him change the password so that she can’t get into it any longer by calling THEM. His parents need to stop trying to find out all of your financials, and you’re taking steps in the right direction.
Keep us posted on how things progress. We’re pulling for you
Post # 36
UPDATE: Well… Mr. Orchids has definately stood up! He literally told his parents to piss off and to get out of our business. He has since put in several applications in places and had a few interviews. No answers on any yet. Hopefully he’ll be able to get something because as a metal worker around here, they are definately needed.
His mother calls me almost everyday complaining about how I need to get him to stay working for them otherwise they’ll lose everything, and all I’ve said is you need to talk to him about this. It’s his decision and I’m supporting him. She really doesnt like that (FYI).
What else is new…. I have a new job which I love! I’m learning a lot and earning significantly more so this will definately help with the wedding.
Thanks for all the well wishes! I think they’re working!
Post # 37
i’m so glad things are looking up. and i’ve very proud of your FH for standing up to his parents. what are hard thing to do, but he made the right choice to put the two of you first. good luck!
Post # 38
Yay, congrats! You guys will be much happier in the long run with the strings cut. How you and your Fiance spend your money is your business, not his mom’s, no matter who writes his paycheck.
The family business will go on, sheeeeesh.
Post # 39
Miss Orchids –How is your FI’s job search? Are things still looking up? I just read this whole thread and I’m totally pulling for you. Sometimes people need the right support from the people they love. And I think you received some great support and advice from the bees, too! Good luck and keep us posted.
Post # 40
Miss Orchids – Update Please!!