(Closed) Major worries for the future…sorry long

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Oh man.   So sorry.  I think yo’ve gotten a lot of great advice here.

More than just about any thread I’ve read on WB, I think this is a situation that you cannot correct on yor own.  Nor his own.  I think he seriously needs to start with a counselor.  He needs to build his self esteem so he can forge ahead, with courage, to get out from under his parents.  Does he even have a college education?  If not, that means he might need to go to schol to get where he wants to be.  He also mihht need help figuring out what he wants to do.  I don’t believe him just saying "no" to his parents, or not working ofr them, or working out better wages is going to work long term.  They will beat him down again. 

I feel for him.  What kind of parents tell there kids they’re lazy and will never amount to anything?  Then work him like a mule and pay him nothing?  He has a lot to work through. 

Post # 33
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hey – some good news! You were able to have an honest talk with him in which he responded by choosing you! Granted, he still needs to back it up with action, but this may not be a totally lost cause. It may take a while for him to gain the confidence he needs to break away from his family’s control and grow into a man ready for marriage and a family. It will definitely be tough, but if you love him and want to help him (and he feels the same) you probably can work it out.

I disagree with some posters who have said you can’t help him do this or that you should walk away (even if temporarily). Your man sounds like he is a very fragile part of his life right now. I feel very angry towards his family. It’s so wrong to treat someone so badly that they have such low self-worth that they can’t even comprehend making a better life for themself. It’s despicable.

Just keep doing what you’re doing Miss Orchids. Encourage him, support him, and kept being firm with your needs. It sounds like he *does* know how horrible his family is and desperetly things need to change, but is too scared to do it. It’ll just take time.

 That said, it could take a LOT of time. I’m not sure how far you are into planning your wedding, but you may want to serious think about pushing it back until you’re able to live on your own as a couple (read: without him working for his family). Tell everyone that you want to be able to support yourselves before you create a family. This could take some pressure off both of you and let you focus on creating a solid foundation for yourself without needed outside support. You have to do it sometime and I personally believe it’s easier before marriage.

Keep us bees posted, I’m really hoping this works out — for both of you!

Post # 35
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

Glad to hear that he’s at least showing you that he understands where you’re coming from. Baby steps are still steps forward, and it sounds as if he’s slowly starting to prepare his parents for the day that he (hopefully) eventually leaves. Getting the bills mailed to the P.O. Box is perfect, and all of the calls going to cell phones is also a great idea. Most places will allow you to put a password on the account as well prior to speaking to someone about the account. For example, his mom might know his bank account number and password. Have him change the password so that she can’t get into it any longer by calling THEM. His parents need to stop trying to find out all of your financials, and you’re taking steps in the right direction.

Keep us posted on how things progress. We’re pulling for you

Post # 37
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

i’m so glad things are looking up.  and i’ve very proud of your FH for standing up to his parents.  what are hard thing to do, but he made the right choice to put the two of you first.  good luck!

Post # 38
Member
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yay, congrats! You guys will be much happier in the long run with the strings cut. How you and your Fiance spend your money is your business, not his mom’s, no matter who writes his paycheck.

The family business will go on, sheeeeesh.  

Post # 39
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Miss Orchids –How is your FI’s job search? Are things still looking up? I just read this whole thread and I’m totally pulling for you. Sometimes people need the right support from the people they love. And I think you received some great support and advice from the bees, too! Good luck and keep us posted.

Post # 40
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Miss Orchids – Update Please!!

The topic ‘Major worries for the future…sorry long’ is closed to new replies.

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