Make ammends with parents before the baby comes?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

I would hold off right now.  It sounds like you have a toxic relationship and the stress would not be good for you and the baby right now.  You need supportive people around you and it doesn’t sound like your parents can provide that at this time.  

Post # 3
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

You need to go over to DWIL right now (google it). The advice will be harsh but honest. It sounds to me like your parents won’t be happy unless they are controlling you, son unless you want that, don’t speak to them because nothing will change. Tell your husband that you need to manage your relationship with your parents as YOU see fit and he needs to back off. Don’t rugsweep the abuse they’ve inflicted on you and continue their time out.

Post # 4
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee

bzbride2277 :  There is no need to apologize. Put the ball in their court. I would reach out to them and tell them that you are still hurt but willing to work through what happened as you would like them to be involved in your and your child’s life in the future. Ask if that’s something they are interested in, and if so to give you a call to start the healing process.

Post # 5
Member
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

If your parents aren’t healthy for you, they won’t be healthy for your child. They’ll try to use the same tactics they use on you on your children to have the same level of control. 

I suggest you do nothing right now. I suggest you go to a counselor and talk through it with someone that knows about toxic family dynamics and setting boundaries. I would not reconvene without having a solid plan and strategy for how to resume with boundaries in place. If those boundaries are violated still (shaming you for moving, trying to guilt you, trying to control, starting fights, verbal abuse) then I would definitely go back to an indefinite timeout and not resume contact till they can be healthy and have respect for you and your nuclear family. I would not get a child involved whom is so vulnerable until they’ve proven a healthy change over a long period. If they can’t or refuse, then you have your answer for what their priorities are and you know the risks that would exist going forth for you and children.

DWIL Nation will give you some tools concerning timeouts, how to list out boundaries, etc but, yes, the advice will be very blunt. It’s a good resource nonetheless even if you choose to just lurk it. It sounds like your parents did a good job of making you feel emotionally indebted to them to the point of where you can’t recognize fully their harmful behaviors. Last, your husband needs to back off and let your choice with your family be your choice and within your own time. His concern should definitely be engaging healthy relationships than losing unhealthy ones.

Post # 6
Member
1682 posts
Bumble bee

Yes – DWIL. They will be very harsh, but keep reading a lot of threads and especially the books they recommend.

your husband needs to back off and let your choice with your family be your choice and within your own time. His concern should definitely be engaging healthy relationships than losing unhealthy ones. <— ALL OF THIS.

Post # 7
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Whoa. Your mom is nuts and clearly isn’t aware that you are an ADULT who can make her own choices. Mentally sound parents can grasp this concept without starting fights. You don’t need that stress while pregnant or during your post partum time. Or ever! Cut her off, for good. 

 

And go over to DWIL on Babycenter. You need them

https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation

Post # 8
Member
11617 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Your husband needs to have your back. You know your parents better than he does. If you feel this isn’t healthy, then it won’t be healthy for your baby either, so he needs to get over his fairytale grandparents ideas. 

As for your house sit, that sounds so stressful. I’m surprised/alarmed your agent didn’t put your offer for the new house contingent upon sale of old house, esp with so many offers falling apart these days. At any rate, I hope you can get a new tenant or sale asap. If not maybe you can put it on Airbnb even though it’s empty, you never know what people’s short term housing needs are.

 

Post # 9
Member
1225 posts
Bumble bee

I am a few weeks behind you at 6 months pregnant and reading this gave me so much vicarious stress. I cannot imagine living it.

I’m in total agreement with PPs: reconciling with your family is important but that should not be your priority right now. You need to surround yourself with people who will be a source of support as you go through this physically and psychologically demanding time.  Far from being supportive, your parents are actually antagonizing you, seemingly taking advantage of your hormonal state to create conflict.  Those are not people who have your health or their grandchild’s health at heart. If they reach out, then by all means mend those bridges.  If they choose to miss out on this important time, this is a decision they are making as adults.

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