- 2 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
So this is a long story but here it goes. Darling Husband and I have always been very close to our families (eastern european first generation immigrants) abeit it my mom has always been on the childish petty side. About a year and a half ago Darling Husband and I made a very sporatic decision to move out of state (he got an accidental great job opportunity and frankly I always dreamed of moving to a warmer climiate). The decision was difficult but had to be made fast and certainly shocked our families. From our side we realized that if we didn’t move at that moment we probably would never sum up the guts to do it again.
Since then my parents have grown resentful about us moving and have been often made comments about us abandoning them as they are aging, being an uncaring/unloving child, and also making very regular snide comments whenever something was not perfect here about how we deserved what we got because we moved. Usually I know I am supposed to take these comments with a grain of salt and just keep my mouth shut because that is their way of letting off steam in them being upset over us moving.
Around the start of March I found out I was pregnant. Around same time we started looking for a house to buy here and trying to sell the one we still owned up north. Everything actually seemed to be going perfect there because right at the same time we found a house to buy here we also found buyers for our house up north…except that our deal to sell our house fell apart just days before the sale, which led to us being stuck with 2 mortgages and no savings since we still had all our money tied up in the house we still owned (we had tenants in that house after we moved south but had to move them out due to the pending sale which of course fell apart).
With suddenly a rather poor financial situation I unfortunately had to tell my parents I could not fly back home when I promised at the start of June. My birthday was coming up at the end of July and my parents insisted that they buy me a ticket to come home for my birthday, which honestly was not the gift I wanted at all, and really was a gift for them rather than me since not only was I already almost 7 months pregnant by then but also the cost of my ticket only covered about 1/4 of the total expenses we incur when I go home, which includes things like getting a ticket for Darling Husband, since I cannot tell him I am going to see my parents but he cannot go see his (although I nicely tried to suggest he not go), getting a dog sitter for while we are gone, costs to leave the the car at the airport (we live about 70 miles from the airport), etc. Long story short I decided to swallow the costs, bite my tounge and do the good daughter thing and come out to see them “for my birthday” knowing this was probably the last time I would go home for a while due to the baby.
As soon as I got there though the trouble started. My mom did her usual routine of making snide comments about my life choises, being an unloving daugher and the move and such…except this time with being pregnant instead of just taking it and nodding I finally started speaking up. This was a huge mistake as trying to stand up for myself only escalated my mom every single time to the point of a huge fight. For a week we fought EVERY SINGLE DAY. She saw that with my hormones she could get under my skin easily and used it to pick fights every single night after I got home from work (I still work remote for an office that’s up north so when I am there I go into the office) I would even try to hide out in my room so she would not start these fights but she would still come into my room to “discuss” things and off we went for another round. By the time Darling Husband got there (he could only go for the last 3 nights of my vist due to his job) I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown dealing with my mom. I finally convinced him to just get an inflatable mattress and stay with me in our empty house because I needed a mental break from the daily fights. By the time we got back the day after though things got even worse with my parents with my mom turning my dad against me, so when I walked in the house I just got screamed at by my father about being an ungrateful little ass**** and that after everything they have done for me during my pregnancy (which was sending several large packages of baby clothes and hand-me-downs from my niece that I had never asked for) I am supposed to keep my mouth closed and smile no matter what is said to me.
Honestly between the financial stress at that moment, being 7 months pregnant and feeling attacked for a week straight despite making the whole trip for them I just lost it. I left the house, stayed at my sister-in-laws for the rest of the time and have not spoken to my parents since.
It’s been over a month since and we still have not spoken since. I am due in just over a month from now. Originally the plan was that my mom was going to come out here and help us right after I had the baby ( my moms offer not my request) but with everything that happened I obviously don’t want my mom coming here for anything that she can hold over me. They are welcome to come and meet their grandaughter but otherwise I am still hurt over how they treated me while I was there. My husband keeps pushing me to make ammends before the baby comes because he says the longer this goes on the more it disintegrates our relationship with them. I agree that he is right but I am also not willing crawl to them as though I did something that I need to apologize for. The last thing I want is to call them and have another fight which will only push us further apart.
Bees I don’t know what to do. On one side I know my parents deep down love me and they have sacraficed a lot in their life for me when I was growing up. On the other hand I am really hurt over how they treated me and I just don’t think I have it in me to apologize to them just to restore the relationship when they are the ones that really hurt me, the only thing I have done is stand up for myself instead of letting them run me over. Thoughts?