Post # 1
I just need to get out a rant… we went to my fiancé’s family Christmas party last night. There’s probably 40 people including aunts, uncles, cousins and their kids. Obviously our upcoming wedding was a big subject of discussion, as were our future children. Which we DON’T want by the way.
Everyone just kept saying how we’d be next to have babies, how they’d be cute hybrid kids (I’m white and fiancé is Asian), how we should have one boy and one girl like everyone else did, how excited his parents must be for grandchildren, etc, etc, etc. My parents know we don’t want kids. But his side doesn’t because we know they’ll freak out if we made that announcement (he’s an only child so his parents will flip out at the thought of not getting grandchildren). So instead, we’ll just ignore the issue and keep on never having kids and listening to this at every get together with his family.
I just really resent the opinion that everyone seems to have that once a couple gets married, they start producing babies. I’m not a brood mare damn it! I have zero interest in my body going through the (IMO) completely disgusting experience of pregnancy. And I don’t like kids. Our life is awesome the way it is, we have freedom and can do whatever we want whenever we want. We do not see the appeal in exchanging that for some sticky snotty-nosed children.
His family is all very nice and I normally enjoy talking to his cousins, but I wish that topic was just left alone. It’s 100% our choice and it just really bugs me. Not everyone wants kids, so it shouldn’t be a publicly discussed topic! Anyway, I just needed to get that out. Anyone relate? Also, we really need a CBC board! I didn’t even know where to put this.
Post # 3
@Pinkmoon: FH and I have been going through the same thing ever since we hit our first anniversary. Most of it comes from his dad though. He wants us to “carry on the family name”, but even if I did want kids, I would not keep getting pregnant so we have the mighty male child to carry on the family name.
It used to just annoy me because I thought it was just Future Father-In-Law wanting some grandkids, but no. He wants more some with his last name. FSIL’s kids don’t cut it because she’s married and has a different last name.
So basically, we need to have heterosexual sons to continue to the family legacy.
This is not the 15th century.
No. Just, no.
Post # 4
@SouthernGirl: Wow, that’s quite the reason. That reminds me of a guy my dad used to work with and I remember my parents talking about them… they had 7 daughters and apparently when the last one was born and it was announced that she was a girl, he said “I guess we’ll be back here soon then.” Ummm…
Post # 5
@Pinkmoon: Maybe you should tell his family you guys will be CBC? You may have to deal with some initial pushback, but maybe all the random discussion aimed at your reproductive life will stop.
There are alot of people who don’t like kids, but have them anyway. I see their kids on the psych unit I work at all the time. Its good that you know yourself well enough to realize you don’t have to have children just because you live in a culture that says that is whay you have to do once you get married.
Post # 6
I’m not even engaged and my SO and I are constantly getting the “babies bombardment”, especially because his sister has a two year old. I also agree that a lot of pregnancy is kind of disgusting (particularly the labor) and IF I do want ONE child, it will probably be several years down the road. It does offend me when people talk to women in a way that is insensitive and equates a woman to breeding stock.
I’ve actually been brutally honest and said, “If I want one, it’ll be on my terms, and I don’t appreciate everyone assuming what I want”. I’ve also replied to the coddling of a baby and saying, “Doesn’t this just make you want to have one?!?!?!” with a deadpan, “No.” and walking away haha. I’ve also replied to, “Don’t worry, you’ll change your mind one day” with “Oh gosh, I’m so sorry! I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU KNOW ME BETTER THAN MYSELF AND MY S.O. DO”. It’s insulting hearing that, because it implies that you’re immature, and only mature women want children.
Anywho, I’ll stop my mini rant by saying preach it, sister!
Post # 7
@Pinkmoon: Yes. It’s infuriating. And it’s not like we could have adopted a child and it been ok, because that’s not FFIL’s blood so it’s invalid. I typically get along with the guy, but I have been avoiding him for almost the entire holiday season because he is so much worse about the “have a baby now” thing.
Like yesterday he mentioned how much more fun Christmas would be if he had some more grandkids…
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2013 - Vine Street Church
@SouthernGirl: This must be a Southern thing, because my husband’s family is the same way. He’s the only male and his father was the only male, so at his GRANDFATHER’S FUNERAL, his aunt grabbed him, hugged him and said ‘have lots of boys’ so they can carry on the family name. His family is all from Tennessee, but mine is from California, and they speak nothing of this madness. It’s so creepy.
We are planning on having children but of our own volition, not because he’s been commanded to have male spawn.
Post # 9
@Bridey77: Yah, we might have to at some point..
@chevaldame: Hahaha good responses. I’m not that witty though.
@SouthernGirl: Well, not just ANY grandchildren…
Post # 10
@SouthernGirl: Dudes are so weird. My Fiance does not, in any way shape or form, want children. However, he told me that when he was younger, he thought he would have them when he grew up, so he could “carry on the family name”. Then, when his brother and SIL had two boys, he thought, “Awesome, now I don’t have to have kids anymore.” My Fiance is a liberal, progressive, fairly enlightened kind of guy. But seriously?? I can’t understand it.
My FI’s grandmother makes grand children comments. I’m not planning on having kids. Not at all. But I put up with her comments because I love her. She’s old and can say whatever she wants. Same with my grandpa. Our parents, however (ESPECIALLY MY MOM WHO DRIVES ME NUTS ABOUT GRANDBABIES) do not get the same lenience. My mom actually told me she would have spent Christmas with me this year if I had a child, but since I don’t she wasn’t going to. WTF?
Post # 11
@thejucheidea: I’m not sure. My parents and grandparents were all born and grew up around here, and none of them are like Future Father-In-Law. My grandmother has 11 sisters, but it wasn’t like her mom just kept having kids hoping for a boy, they lived on a farm. My grandfather has a brother and a sister, so they had a small family by the norms for the time. My dad was never specific on having a boy over a girl, he and my mom just decided they wanted two children. I don’t know. I get that the south can sometimes be backwards, but I have never met someone so adamant about having male children.
@Pinkmoon: Exactly. They must be heteosexual, virlle, male children insterested in having more male children. For all eternity.
Post # 12
@Pepperwoodsy: That is pretty messed up. My mom used to mention grandkids all the time. And I usually went with it because she was my mom, and then one day I told her that I was not planning on having any children. She fought me on it a bit and told me that I would change my mind, but after a few years, she’s stopped. My brother wants to have at least three kids, so she’s fine with that.
Post # 13
@SouthernGirl: The weird thing is, my mom has multiple grandchildren already, from my two older sisters. I have a younger sister who wants kids someday, too. I’m hoping my mom is coming around. She did go into the kids toy section to buy my cat a toy to cuddle with. Which was weird, but is maybe a sign she’s deciding to just treat the cat like a grandchild, which is fine with me!
Post # 14
Yes, I relate.
Have you thought of just lying and telling them that you’re infertile?
Ugh… I can’t think of any better advice than that. Sorry.
Post # 15
@Pepperwoodsy: My parents love our cat and he is like their grandson! They’re excited to babysit him for our honeymoon hehe.
@BelliniChic: Not gonna lie, that’s crossed my mind already! My fiancé doesn’t love the idea though.
Post # 16
I definitely want to have kids, but I will agree with you when I say it’s really tiring hearing “how about now? do you want kids now?” at every gathering. My husband and I got married almost 3 months ago. Within an hour of being legally married, Father-In-Law asked me if I was pregnant yet. He was half drunk, so I just laughed it off, but everytime we call him to chat or see him he’ll ask if I’m pregnant yet. I think it might be because he has no real grandkids of his own. He and Mother-In-Law divorced a long time ago, and SIL isn’t FIL’s daughter so her kids aren’t his. He remarried and his new wife has 5 grandkids. He’s step-poppy of sorts, but they aren’t his actual grandkids. I think that’s why he’s pushing. We want to start TTC in the next year or two, but he’ll just have to wait.
If they push for it everytime they see you, just tell them you’re CBC. Or, like PP said, tell them one of you is infertile.