(Closed) Make peace not war

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think the problem with this forum at times isn’t really the limited snarkiness that I see, but actually the opposite. There are some Bees who post here after having engaged in some truly awful behavior, Bridezilla, waiting, or otherwise, and they actually get their feelings and behaviors validated by others!

Sometimes people do need to hear that their behaviors are unacceptable, or that their patterns of thinking are truly unhealthy. That often requires being blunt, and in my opinion, blunt does not equate to being mean. I will join the ranks of Bees who said that if I had a friend who was behaving or thinking in such an extreme fashion, I would respond probably more bluntly than I would on here. You’re not being a good person or helpful by validating unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior.

 

Post # 33
Member
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
@Wonderstruck:  Thank you for posting those, and I totally agree with you. We seem to have a lot of those posts lately (wherein I usually read the original post, roll my eyes, and x out), and yeah, those responses are totally apt.

Post # 34
Member
2755 posts
Sugar bee

I’ve been on several similarly themed message boards, and lemme tell you – the Bee is the friendliest I’ve *ever* come across.

When I was having a tough situation trying to decide whether to end my relationship, I got a LOT of responses that were “harsh” but I am SO thankful for them – because of  the willingness of the women here to ask me the tough questions and be harsh about the way my ex-FI behaved, I was able to really think hard and make the best decision (to end the relationship/engagement). I’m so glad they didn’t sugarcoat it for me!

People try to be tactful, but honest here. I think that’s incredible and so rare to find. Sometimes threads devolve, but rarely does that happen unless you’ve got an OP whose behaviour is just apalling and draws horrified/angry reactions from Bees.

Post # 35
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

First of all this is a message board, not a blog. Unless you are one of the Bloggers posting under a fake name you are not a blogger. You are one of the thousands upon thousands of us here conversing everyday. 

Sorry that is a huge pet peeve- people not knowing what the difference between a blog and a message board is. If you want a place to talk and have everyone be nice to you then you need to get a blog. WordPress is a good site. A message board’s purpose is not for everyone to get along- no such message board exists nor will it ever exist. If you find yourself being upset by complete strangers then perhaps a message board is not a place that is well suited for you. 

Post # 36
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think sometimes, some statements/questions/pleas for help absolutely must be met with a strongly negative reaction.  To sugar-coat it only diminishes any chance of getting through to the asker, and I think we’ve all seen enough nonsense here on the ‘bee to know that there are plenty of people who need a very abrupt, unmissable wake-up call.

If you asked an outrageous question in person, you’d expect a shocked, strong reaction.  It is no different online. And honestly, some questions are so outrageous that the listener must make clear, in no uncertain terms, that the asker is out of line. Candy-coating it helps no one and only gives the asker the opportunity to mis-interpret.

In other words: if your behavior or attitude is outrageous, your response will be, too.  Want to only get reasonable responses? Then only ask reasonable questions. You’ll be surprised how well that works.
 

Post # 38
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@fishbone:  I completely agree with this. Most of the time when I see people responding with the examples the OP mentioned, the post warranted such a response.

I feel like a lot of ppl post looking for justification no matter what, and get upset if they don’t hear what they wanted to hear. The truth is the world is a hugely diverse place full of differing opinions, and grown women should be able to understand that.

I don’t see the response examples the OP mentioned as rude or mean at all. One of the GOOD things about anonymous internet boards is that you CAN post and get honest opinions — the posters are not your friends and don’t have to deal with fallout in a friendship if they don’t agree, etc., giving posters the opportunity to get honest truth where they might not otherwise ever get it. Frankly I have seen many posts on here where the OP desperately needed some “tough” love.

The only thing on the planet over which you have control is yourself. Whether you post, take the advice, or even let what others say affect you is your choice, under your control. It’s much more productive to change how you are going about one or all of those things if you are unhappy with your experience on this site than it is to try to change others over which you have no control. such is life.

Post # 39
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@polyblonde:  “I feel like a lot of ppl post looking for justification no matter what, and get upset if they don’t hear what they wanted to hear. The truth is the world is a hugely diverse place full of differing opinions, and grown women should be able to understand that.”

Exactly.  I think it’s a very bad idea to try to be nice just for the sake of being nice. Sometimes we all need a good kick in the arse and a return to reality, and it’s much better to get that than some sugary mess that lets the asker think it really is okay to ((insert egregious behavior here).

If you’re asking if it’s okay to rank your friends based on how much they spend on you, exclude people based on their appearance, bully your family into giving you gifts, engage in dishonest behavior with your vendors, and a dozen other things that are truly socially unacceptable, you need to hear the disapproval. Validating your feelings or playing the “if you’ve got nothing nice to say” game will help no one in that scenario. 

Plus, we are all old enough that shouty strangers on the internet should have no power over us.  But that’s beside the point, because if you pulled any one of these stunts in person, you’d get the same response from me.  Sometimes it’s not a case of bullies hiding behind their computers and being mean; it’s a case of someone has a really bad attitude and needs to be called out on it.

Post # 40
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I don’t think the OP meant to say that she is expecting all of us to have “happy rainbow” responses to problems. From reading her post i feel that she is talking about the comments that are unwarranted and not needed/helpful. For example, one of the previous Bees wrote a whole paragraph about how this is not a “blog”, a word probably accidentally misused by the OP. I don’t feel that it was a relevant comment to her post and it really didn’t add to the conversation. 

I agree with multiple Bees that said there are people who need a reality check and some blunt advice, however I also agree that there is a way to say things without stirring up drama. Obviously things are going to be taken out of context because none of us see each other face to face and some of us might be more sensitive to certain responses. However, if you are posting about abortion or divorce, I think you have a right to be somewhat sensitive as those are touchy subjects. Overall, i think its a mixed pot. There will always be catty behavior but I think we can all agree that most of us try to be helpful and want to provide support. 

Post # 41
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

You know what, I have no issue being blunt. I am blunt in real life, and am not going to sugar coat things. Period. If a friend is being a jerk, I will tell them, just as I would hope they do the same for me. If I think she is out of line and if I was her partner and would leave her, I would tell her that. Just as I would here. Don’t confuse being honest and forthright with being bitchy.

What irritates me are those who jump in on threads trying to tell others how they should or should not respond to public posts on the internet. If someone does not want to hear all opinions from all sorts of people, they should not ask for opinions in the first place. If you prefer to sugarcoat things than do so, but don’t tell others how they should respond just because it is not what works for you.

Also, what 

View original reply
@fishbone  said!

Post # 42
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I actually thing this site is TOO nice a lot of the time. People post pictures of their dresses, engagement photos, rings etc looking for HONEST feedback and all they get is dozens of replies telling them how wonderful they are. Now I’m not a dress or a ring expert, but I am a professional photographer and SO many times people post absolutely awful engagement/wedding photos, usually taken by “my amazing uncle who bought a new camera!!!”… If people were honest they’d tell the OP that the photos are dreadful and they should look at an alternative for the wedding… but people are way too nice to be honest.

 

I’m not saying people should be rude, but honesty seems to be punished here.

Post # 43
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Bottom line: this is the Internet. There are no Internet police running around making sure things are nice and sane. You kind of have to look out for yourself and your feelings, meaning if you put something out there for others to comment on, be prepared for possible responses.

I echo what PP have said regarding outrageous questions warranting equal responses, as well as people coming to get validation for their nasty behavior. But in any case, if a bunch of strangers on the Internet are making you so upset, you may not want to share yourself with them. this place is a kindergarten playground compared to the rest of the places I visit, trust me. 

Post # 44
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
@photogestelle:  I agree with this as well. Usually when I see dresses, rings, pictures etc that I think look terrible or even just so-so I opt to say nothing since there is just nothing constructive to be said. I have my own opinions and some rings, dresses, people etc are just never going to look good in my mind. Saying something negative in this case would absolutely be un called for.

I think the difference is sometimes you CAN be constructive or offer some advice, even when you dont think something looks good — at those times people should be able to say something and not be considered “mean” because it’s not blatant ass kissing.

But yes, I agree that it seems like SO many threads are simply people being nice when there have GOT to be some people out there that don’t like whatever it is…but are choosing not to say anything. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing.

Post # 45
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

View original reply
@fishbone:  word!

 

This is the internet. Everyone isn’t going to agree all the time. Weddingbee is by far the most “rainbows and unicorns” site that I’ve been on – if it’s too mean here, it may be hard to find anywhere on the internet that is nice enough.

And as far as “think about how you would talk to your friends” type posts – well actually, if my friend were being selfish, ungrateful, entitled, malicious, or incredibly rude – I wouldn’t sugarcoat it or pat her on the back. I’d tell her she’s being a selfish bitch and she needs to knock it off before she does something she regrets. I’m far kinder on here when someone is being crazy than in real life. Sometimes people need a reality check. 

 

ETA:

View original reply
@photogestelle:  I’m not saying people should be rude, but honesty seems to be punished here.

Yep. 

Post # 46
Member
3636 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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@photogestelle:  I’m not going to tell someone that they should have looked for a different photog after they post their wedding photos. What’s done is done.

However, if I saw engagement photos by ‘wonderful uncle’ then I’d certainly speak up.

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