Post # 1
I was once waiting and obsessed with getting my ring and planning my wedding…
Anyhow, I got what I thought I wanted and a year later, we’re separated.
Just make sure it’s right before you committ, even after years of waiting.
I apologize if this upset anyone.
Post # 2
That’s a very good reminder; one that lots of people should read and hear.
Post # 3
Amen, I waited 6 months to get engaged, and he ended up turning into an abusive alcoholic and I left him 6 months before the wedding. A wedding and a marriage is NOT everything, MAKE SURE IT’S RIGHT! Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast
Do you have any tips on making sure?
I’m sure everyone is *sure* in the moment. Do you have any hindsight tips? signs you should have noticed? Just curious!
Post # 5
Sometimes on the waiting board, it is easy to get wrapped up in all the excitement. I am sorry it didn’t work out for you guys. Was it changes that occurred after engagement? or just realzing that underlying issues were not going to be fixed by marriage? If you don’t mind me asking.
Post # 6
Very true ladies. This is the second time I’ve been in the waiting zone. The first time was with a man who I was together with for 4 years (18yo to 22yo.) Marriage just seemed like the next step and everyone around me expected it…. I went through the motions because I thought that was what I HAD TO DO. Then one day I grew up and realised that while he is an amazing man, I wasn’t ready for marriage and to settle down and owed it to both of us to walk away. So I left him just as he was starting to come around to the idea of putting a ring on my finger. We’re still friends and the split was clean. He knew I was young and had to live my life. I could have easily of stayed, got married, had babies and lived happily ever after but I knew deep down that I wasn’t ready and maybe just maybe he wasn’t the one. I owed it to myself to go it alone for a while and discover who I was. And I’m so glad I did… because several years later and 101 lessons learnt, now I’ve met a man who I’m far more compatible with. I fully grasp the concept of what marriage is and what it means. You can’t fool true love and you really shouldn’t try.
Post # 7
missjuli: I hops you don’t think this is rude, and please, only reply if you feel comfortable, but do younthink that you’d be able to share with us the reasons why you think it didn’t work? Was it wrong from the beginning and you both just ignored the signs or were mistakes made after the proposal that neither could come back from? I am just trying to wrap my head around long term relationships that don’t make it, hopefully things I learn will help to prevent it happening to others.
Post # 8
amberback: I remembered thoughts I had that popped into my head just randomly like “We should break up” but there seemed to be no rhyme or reason. There were things he did that I didn’t like but I justified them in my head. For example, the way we treated money was different from the very beginning and that was an ever present issue.
I was always very on the defense about him. People would bring up potential issues and I always tried to convince them those issues were nonexistant.
We NEVER fought. I thought we were a good couple because we didn’t fight. What was really going on is that if he upset me, I tried to justify it by thinking that I was wrong for being mad at him. I swallowed a lot of anger and burried a lot of feelings. They resurfaced as indigestion or I would get inexplicably sad for “no reason” all at once and I went into hiding every so often.
I can see how it was hard for me to tell whether it was wrong back then as I explained my problems pretty much in every way possible besides looking at my relationship.
I’d say the biggest indication was that I was unsettled and I thought marriage would settle me. It didn’t.
I looked back at my old journals from when we were dating and read all the doubts I had but never any of the “I love him so much,” or “I’m so in love/smitten.”
How do you make sure it’s right? If I had to venture a guess, it would be a feeling. Tune in with your body. Instead of shoving doubts away, let them surface, ask yourself questions. Ask your SO questions. Ask yourself if who they are is really what you want in your life.
Post # 9
leisha606: Basically the issues we had were issues before engagement but I thought getting married would fix them.
I wanted financial stability and marrying him promised that. Turns out it wasn’t enough because I wasn’t in love with him.
Post # 10
missjuli: Thanks for writing this. As a person who’s been married before I often “worry” when I see some bees posting disturbing stuff within their relationships, but they are still dying to get married. So much easier to get out before the marriage than after. Even if you’ve booked the venue etc etc get out if it’s not right!
Post # 11
Everdeen: Thanks for asking, like I said in the other replies was that I thought all my problems would be fixed once I got engaged and then married. I recall specifically telling him that during one conversation. I said, “Once we’re engaged, I’m going to calm down a lot. You will see a huge difference in me. I will be a lot more relaxed and less emotional.”
Well that was a terrible prediction! My obsession with getting the ring changed to planning the wedding and getting everything we wanted and whether we’d be able to afford it. I also had this weird experience where a friend’s quick engagement pissed me off and make me resent her. I nearly ruined the friendship.
Then after we were married, I was all about the apartment. It wasn’t organized, it wasn’t clean, I was unsettled because I didn’t know where to put things, etc.
So marriage didn’t settle me. I also wasn’t really in love with him from the beginning. I wasn’t all googly eyed for him, I didn’t have warm tingly feelings. I was interested in the stability he’d provide me. There were other things but that’s what it boils down to.
Post # 12
RedHeadKel: Amen. My in laws contributed a large chunk to help us pay for the wedding and now I get to live with that guilt too. Of course there are other elements but yes…it would have been SOOOO much easier to break up before we got engaged or married.
Post # 13
missjuli: A very good reminder. Thank you! I hope that things start looking up. 🙂
Post # 14
- Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast
missjuli: thanks for replying! it’s helpful to get some insight from “the other side”!
Post # 15
I’m so sorry to hear all of this. But everyone makes mistakes.
The best advice I have ever heard about relationships is: There is a difference between loving someone and being IN LOVE with someone. I have known many people who are “in love” with the idea of getting married, not the person they will be marrying.