Post # 1
My Future Mother-In-Law came over on the weekend to chat about flowers. She’ll be making the bouquets, boutonnieres, corsages and helping with centerpieces. Anyway, when discussing the bouquets for the BMs I told her I would need 3. Her eyes lit up and she asked who? The last time I told her about BMs I said I was only having two. I think she was secretly hoping I was going to ask my Future Sister-In-Law, although we’re not at all close. FSIL isn’t even close to my Fiance. I told her who my BMs were and she looked a little disappointed and then she said that maybe there would be something I could ask Future Sister-In-Law to do because her words were “she’s like me and her feelings are easily hurt.”
So now I feel like I have to make up something for Future Sister-In-Law to do. Our wedding is going to be quite casual, there aren’t going to be any readings or anything, and Future Sister-In-Law is really shy anyway so what could I even ask her to do?!
Post # 3
How about passing out programs (if you have any). That way she doesn’t have to say much but can feel like part of the wedding. I hope that helps!
Post # 4
That’s a great suggestion, but we weren’t planning on having programs 🙁
Post # 5
I don’t know if a made up job is going to make her feel any different. If you want to make her feel special and included, maybe you could do something like a sibling photo? And its quite possible that FSIL isn’t hurt at all, this might actually be about FMIL’s feelings, not FSIL’s feelings.
Post # 6
Do you really trust her? What about handing out the thank yous/checks for the vendors/officient/etc. ? or do you have a wedding coordinator doing that?
Do you already have worked out who is going to escort different family to their chairs? My FI’s niece is going to be escorting Future Father-In-Law.
Do you have anything unique happening that might need explanation? Like an unorthodox guestbook or something that she could man the table?
Post # 7
I’m running into this with all of my nieces and nephews in the wedding and 0 of his. I think I’ve decided to give his niece and possibly my oldest niece the job of handing out the sparklers… I mean, that’s what 9 year olds are for right?
Post # 8
Another thought… why not let her be in charge of taking your car to the honeymoon suite? Making sure you’re checked in?
Something of that nature. I had that job recently and it was easy but it was a huge relief for the bride.
Post # 9
I am in the same situation as you, Future Sister-In-Law and I do not get along but Future Mother-In-Law wants her in the Wedding Party. I may ask her to be one of the ushers.
Post # 10
Thanks for all the suggestions ladies. I haven’t even talked to Fiance about it, but I will talk to him tonight and see what he thinks.
@KitKatNYC: At this point, she doesn’t know that she’s not included in anything and I can’t imagine she would expect to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. She wouldn’t know I’ve “made up” a job for her, but it’s true that she might not even care, and Future Mother-In-Law is just looking out for her.
Post # 11
I was in a similar boat – my Future Sister-In-Law turned down a reading as well as handing out programs. She didn’t want to do any of them. I finally just asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man to keep the peace, which she told me she wanted to “check out the dress first”. She’s a Bridesmaid or Best Man now – and while we ‘get along’, we aren’t close.
Have you thought of taking her shopping for something weddnig related (like finding jewelry or shoes or something else)? Or maybe asking her to help put together centerpieces if you are doing it yourself. I’ve got a good friend that I cannot have as a Bridesmaid or Best Man (she’s my FI’s ex), so I have her helping out inside and will be getting her a pin on flower to represent the help.
Post # 12
Depending on her age and if you have a wedding coordinator:
-Have her be in charge of making sure the seating arrangement is correct and that all place cards are at the tables or on the table at the entry way.
-Have her be in charge of sprucing up the dessert table (if you are having on or the candy bar). She can do it before the ceremony and maybe half way through the dessert portion or as guests are leaving.
-Have her be in charge of helping to make sure that all of your money envelopes and gifts get into the proper transportation at the end of the reception (She can collect envelopes through out the night and have a hiding place for them…like underneath a family table where you know the older people will be sitting at…that way there is always someone around).
-If you’re helping to break down the site at the end of the day/night have her handle the check list. She can make sure anything that is vendor issued goes back into boxes for the vendor/s, can make sure that anything you’ve borrowed goes into a pile to go back to the proper person, etc.
-She can help be the make-up/hair check for you and your Fiance for the night. Ya know, in case you’re hair gets wonky or your make-up gets smeared…you and her can come up with a signal that she can give you guys so you have time to freshen up before a bunch of pictures are taken.
-She can help make sure that music on the no play list is not played. If she hears something that’s not supposed to be playing she can tell the DJ (or if it’s an Ipod reception, change it herself) to turn it off and play something else.
Post # 13
Ugh!!! That’s sucky, sorry!
Honestly… I would talk to your Fiance and see what his thoughts are, but I wouldn’t create something for her to do if you don’t already have any of these things planned.
I like my Future Sister-In-Law, but never really thought about asking her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. When I asked her where to get my hair done, she offered to do that and my makeup. Then of course, last week or so she said she was sorry, but wouldn’t be able to. I’m *so* glad I didn’t ask her to be a BM!
We haven’t written our ceremony yet, but if there are readings, we will ask her.
Post # 14
I think its a question of how she/you want her to be involved. Maybe she’d like getting her hair done with your girls so she feels part of your day? or go for manucures together the day before?
I don’t think its a bad thing to give her “work” jobs, but I’ve done ton of those and never felt very honored. Its not really fun organizing venders and hauling boxes of stuff around. She sounds helpful so she probably wouldn’t mind, but those kind of things feel very different than being a BMs.