(Closed) Making a LDR work

posted 8 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You could always bring up the topic indirectly by asking about long term goals. Where does he see himself and his career in 5 or 10 years? Where would he like to live? Is he a dog or a cat person? How many kids does he want? It doesn’t have to be a Big Conversation or anything, at least at first, but you can bring topics like that up to gauge his priorities, plans, and values. You can get more specific with him about your plans for the future when the time feels right for you. 

Post # 5
Member
374 posts
Helper bee

Do not beat around the bush.  Be honest and forthright.   I am wondering if he brought up finishing college because that will keep him grounded where he is living presently and so he is not the one able to move.  How did it come up that you are to be the person to haul yourself out to him?  Did he ask you to? 

If he didn’t ask you to move, then I wouldn’t.  Make NO assumptions.  I would re-evaluate the relationship.  Maybe you’re into it more than he is.  He sounds young if he hasn’t finished college yet or hasn’t found a good job.  Maybe the timing is off.

How about saying to him, if he asked you to come out there:  “I’m so in love with the idea of moving to CITY and moving in with you, because I am in so love with you.  But, I can’t make this life decision to move there, if we are not engaged.   Let’s just keep things the way for now and see where our relationship goes.  You’ve got college to finish and I know you want to find a good job.  Maybe you will end up moving here or somewhere else if the right job comes along.  If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.  I just want you to know that if we do decide to get married one day, the ring isn’t what matters, but planning a wedding and the rest of our lives does matter.  I just thought I’d get this out there since we’re talking about me moving and moving in and stuff.  I don’t want you to feel I’m pressuring you to make a decision about getting married.  I just want you to know why I’m not moving out there right now.  I’m not rejecting you.”

This is important for a guy to hear.  Both that you aren’t going to hang around forever without engagement and that wanting to keep your space isn’t rejecting him.

See what his response is.  If it’s too difficult to say, then write him a letter.  Not an email.  A letter.  The next step is his. 

If no ring on the phone or ring on the finger, then in words of Sex and City, “He’s just not that into you.”

You are 100% right not to move in without being engaged.  You’re not only talking about moving in your talking about moving to the other side of the USA!!! Don’t back down.  If it’s not meant to be, you want to know now before you burn any bridges.  If it’s not mean to be you’ll cry in your pillow, stamp your feet, and cry some more.  But you will get over it.  It is better to know now than to invest time and energy in moving, relocating, finding a new job and new friends.  Remember any people you meet out there, w through him, will be his friends.  You will end up alone if you come out too early in your relationshipo.  So it’s better to be alone on your turf, with your friends who will help you heal and move on if that comes to pass.

Best of luck!  Keep in touch.  Just be honest and do not make assumptions.

 

Post # 8
Member
374 posts
Helper bee

Hi.  I’m sure your parents drive you batty.  Doesn’t everyone’s at one time or another?  But that’s no reason to move out there w/him.  Do you have caring grandparents, aunts, pastor families?  Maybe a move someplace else to give yourself a fresh start is worth looking into it.   I hear two things:  you’re in the moving mode; and, you feel stale where you are presently.  So, find someone who will open their arms and give you free rent and board for a few months until you find someplace affordable and a good job and leave the area.  Tell him you need to sort the junk out in your head and you need time to think.  Do that either someplace else or at home.  But do not, do not go there.  Honestly and truly he doesn’t sound like he wants to commit.   You can leave your departure open ended and tell him you’re leaving the area to find a better job opportunity.  You don’t need to go there.  You don’t need to explain yourself to him.  If he really really wants you, he’ll ask you to come there if he knows you are moving….if he really wants you, he’ll commit.  Young or not.  Search deep inside.  You know the truth and may be afraid to face it.  Only you know what is the right thing to do.  Best of luck….

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