(Closed) Making child EXTREMELY OBESE…how to speak to guardian

posted 6 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@KJM33:  Don’t do that. The child might intercept the mail, and have a complex about it. 

If you have a good relationship with the woman, be direct with her, but out of earshot of the little lady. Maybe offer to take her exercising with you? The best thing is to be supportive about it, and not accusatory.

Post # 5
Member
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

Have you suggested getting M into some form of physical activity? Maybe if she has an interest that increases her interest, she’ll focus on her health/nutrition more.  9 is early enough to start learning about your own health.  

You can also give both M & her grandma kids cookbooks to help them learn better recipes and things. 

Honestly, the reasons for her choices probably have little to do with not “knowing better”. The girl lost her mother, then some time later, her carefiver lost her husband. The grandma is probably tired, and she feels bad for her granddaughter because of what has happened; and thus never wants to “punish” her, and so she sets few bounderies in this reguard.  It is highly common in situations like this, and is difficult for everyone involved.  

Post # 6
Member
10603 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

Can you invite her out while the girl is at school?  If you have it scheduled it might help you bite the bullet and get it out there.

It might also help if you had suggestions about things you are willing to do.  Take the girl out to the farmer’s marker (with or without grandma) to pick out some tasty fruit to snack on.  Offer to drive her to some type of sport or activity.  Go swimming or on a walk with her.  I imagine it’s difficult raising a grandchild.

Post # 8
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@juliette.eliza:  That is true, but you should never use food for comfort. Im sure her grandmother could love her up other ways instead of using food. Saying no to a kid who wants pizza or soda isnt bad. And unfortunatly bad eating habits usually start when the kid is young. And later on this girl might be angry at her grandma for giving her bad foods when she was younger.

Be supportive, maybe offer to take her one weekend and introduce new healthy foods (who knows, she might love them!!), or offer to sign her up for a physical activity, like dance or soccer.

 

Post # 10
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Definitely start with love and offer more solutions than judgement.  Take M for a walk with you, go play with her.  Have them over for a healthy home cooked meal.  Take M to the farmer’s market with you and teach her about all the delicious things out there and how good they are for you.  If you can have her over, teach her to cook and appreciate yummy healthy stuff.  You can always work in stuff like “yeah, I LOVE ice cream but I only allow myself to eat it once a week.  It’s not as good for me as all this stuff so I save it for a treat when I’m feeling really good about something.  It’s easy to want to just sit down and eat all kinds of stuff when you feel bad, but what makes me feel better is cooking something myself.”

Sounds like a super tough situation and you’re being a good friend by looking out for the kid, but be really careful to not come off as disapproving of her parenting (even though you are).  PP is right that her grandmother has been through a lot of crap losing her daughter, then husband, and all along caring for a child again.  She’s taken the easy way.  While it’s not the right way, it’s understandable. 

Post # 11
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I might approach this with having NOTHING to do with food or M’s weight… at first.

I’m not sure how guardianship works….. but I would imagine it’s stressful.  I would imagine there is a TON of guilt involved.  INDULGANCE, which is what this is, is an emotional response to guilt.

I might suggest you find out how the grandmother is doing.  It must be stressful to be a grandmother caring for a child…. a tween at that.  And then to suffer the loss of your husband – which means she lost some support that she had in helping to raise this child.  Maybe say you just wanted to check in, since you know the situation has changed and she’s now, effectively, a single mother.  The problem is…. she’s also a grandmother.  And grandma’s are NOTORIOUS for spoiling their grandchildren.

So, I might approach it from a “how are things going” perspective and see if she will open up to you.  How is M’s behavior?  Is she bratty?  Is she sad?  Is she “too” grown-up?  Being raised in a dysfunctional environment (which is sounds like this is) should create a behavioral issue in some way, aside from just the obesity.  I would maybe start there.

The weight is just a symptom.  The indulgence and lack of exercise is the real issue.  Maybe she doens’t have the support to get her to sports or activities.  maybe she lacks education.  And then on top of that she’s dealing with guilt and trying to “make up” to her grand-daughter by using food.  It’s unhealthy…. but moreso than just M’s weight.

Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Can you offer to watch her a day or two each week? Then make her lunch and explain good food vs bad. Go do active things together. etc.

Post # 13
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I completely agree with JulesSchnooks that you have to be really careful not to involve the child in this at all.  It could be really damaging to her self-esteem if she hears this indirectly from you.  However, I do think you need to bite the bullet with her grandmother and be brutally honest with her – there’s no way that she doesn’t realise herself that the child is overweight.  More than anything, be prepared for some backlash from the grandmother but offer your absolute support to her.  She’s in a terribly difficult position, and while the food choices she offers the child are her fault, her reasons are likely to be guilt- and grief- related.  Be understanding and DO NOT place blame with the grandmother but don’t insult her intelligence by skirting around the issue – be direct and honest with her.  Tell her why you’re concerned about the child’s diet, and offer some practical solutions to help.  Offer to go with the grandmother to see the doctor for information and help with dietary changes.  Perhaps offer to watch the girl a few times and do some healthy cooking with her, then invite Grandma over for dinner that the girl’s cooked.  Involving the child by educating her about nutrition and allowing her to help make decisions about her diet rather than simply foisting a new regime on her may help to make it more sustainable.  Good luck with this – its so hard to draw that line between trying to help and not wanting to offend!

Post # 16
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I WAS that child, and I know many others like her…i hate to say it, but unless she hits a growth spurt at puberty and has a life revolving around exercise and healthy eating, she is probably going to be an obese teenager and adult.

 

It’s a very hard thing to reverse once the fat cells are already formed…but that’s not to say it can’t be done if her environment changes completely. (Take Athena Onassis as an example. I think if her mother had lived, she would have been as heavy as her mother. I think being raised by her VERY active realatives saved her.)

 

Frown Not trying to be a “Debbie Downer”…I’ve just lived it.

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