Making friends at work & keeping friendships alive as an adult

posted 7 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

If it weren’t the crappy time that it is, I would suggest joining some clubs/activities groups if you have any hobbies. Perhaps you could do the same over Facebook or other sites and maybe meet some people with shared interests/passions you could gradually bond with, even locally (obvi going 2 b online for now).

As for work, how many other women do you actually work with? Because if your talking about individuals it may not be anything your doing at all. With your college group – sometimes school/college friends don’t stay together, if you never got along that well with them in the 1st place perhaps you should just forget it and try to move on to new friends (online for now). Don’t spend your life trying to fit in with people who don’t appreciate you for the good person you sound like your being.

One other thing, and this is a little tougher, if you really do feel like your off putting to people and don’t know why, perhaps you could ask your husband (since he’s presumably seen you interact with others) for his honest opinion on why that may be. Just remember you asked him tho and don’t get mad lol, remember he loves you the way you are or he wouldn’t have married you. Tho he may not think your doing anything at all of course.

Post # 3
Member
2283 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

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glutton :  I feel you. I’ve often been the person people describe as being “so nice” or “so sweet” and I can tell they like me, but it often is just at the acquaintance level. People in whatever group/setting that start at the same time make quick friends with one another and I just stall out. haha. I’m a highly independent introvert, so I’ll chalk it up to that. Sometimes it bothers me, sometimes it doesn’t. But just know that someone else in the world gets it. ❤️

Post # 4
Member
779 posts
Busy bee

I have no advice but I’ve had the same experience throughout life. I’ve never been popular but at the same time i don’t think there are many people that actually dislike me. I’m never anyone’s favourite or best friend and college friendships definitely stopped once we graduated. I’ve tried to invite people to hang out and they’ll say yes and we’ll have a great time but then I never hear from them ever again and I get sick of being the one chasing them. As the phrase goes, I guess they’re just not that into me. And you know what, I’m used to it and as an introvert I’m more than okay with it lol. 

Post # 5
Member
554 posts
Busy bee

I identify 100% with this. You’re not the only one feeling this way. I’m the one who has to “chase people” if I want to mantain a friendship & I’ve learnt to stop doing it.

For me, I attribute it to being at a different stage in life than people my age. Being engaged/living alone for a long time, my friends see me more like an “aunt” or “big sister” (they’ve even said this to me!), maybe that’s what’s happened to you being married in your 20s? Nowadays (at least where I’m from) it’s not common.

I agree with PP about asking your spouse

Post # 6
Member
7129 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

This has been an issue for me for a long time. I moved around a lot as a kid and it takes me a long time to decide if I really like someone (I like to keep folks at the friendly acquaintance stage for years). Once I realized that the friendship timelines that may be weeks or months for other people, may be one to two years or more for me, I relaxed a lot and now, over the last decade+ I’ve built several communities of friends based on other interests in my life- I don’t really do work friendships like that. I think it’s wise to maintain a certain distance from people in a work setting.

Post # 7
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee

This has been an issue for me too! I have about four close friends, but I definitely want more! I did not make a lot of friends in college as I went to such a big school-it was pretty lonely. But grad school is a different story because it’s so small. Have you tried reaching out to people individually? Ask them if they want to get coffee or go shopping? In regards to coworkers, you can ask them to lunch, or you can invite them over for a couples night. 

Post # 8
Member
279 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
glutton :  this is legit so relatable omg! I’m sorry I don’t have advice for you but I experience this and feel like I’ve been socially isolated before this social isolation was a thing. Everyone at work is always arms-length friendly enough but no one I can call a true friend. 

Post # 9
Member
570 posts
Busy bee

Aw bee Im so sorry you’re going through this, and know others (myself included) have felt the same way and experienced the same rejections. It is very very hard. I went through a few groups of friends in my 20s and faced lots of rejection (I actually went to therapy for some of it), but I picked up a few close friends as I went. I keep in touch with a couple friends from hs and college. 
From experience, if you become too obsessed with the amount of friends it can send off a weird vibe whether you’re aware or not. I would really work to cultivate a few friends on a more one-on-one interactions. Instead of working on having a group of friends, I Began reaching out to the people I considered closest to and tried to make plans with them with something they might want to do. I always think it’s nice to treat a friend every once in a while (on a drink, bake them something nice, etc) so that’s always a nice gesture. Don’t take it personally if people don’t seem to be responding to you directly. Best thing I learned about confidence is confidence comes from being ok if not everyone likes you. Become a good friend to yourself, put yourself out there, and don’t get discouraged if you feel rejections. Thinking about it less will also help, I’m telling you, ppl can detect desperate vibes! (Not saying you are desperate, but if you are often thinking about the number of friends you have, something will seem off)

Post # 14
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

I’m in a similar situation and can totally emphasize with all of you. 

I’ve had 3 really good friends throughout my life. One through middle and high school, one I met at work in my 20s and another friend I met through a meetup group. All these friends I’ve been in contact with since (we all live in different countries now unfortunately) but since my divorce a few years ago, and moving every 2 years as an adult, I find it incredibly hard to make good friends. Most people my age (late 30s) are married with kids, or they are the opposite and enjoy the nightlife. I don’t have/do either and rather stay at home and read, watch a movie, do introvert stuff. At work, there’s no one my age and 90% older guys. 

I do meet people through some sport activities but I wouldn’t consider them friends. More acquaintances. Maybe it’s my fault for not engaging with them more. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just really a lot harder to find good friends the older we get ?! 

Post # 15
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2020

I realised something when this kept happening to me. Sometimes people like people they can relate with over “bad” stuff more than good. I’ve found people that people like being in their comfort zones and don’t want to be judged for who they are so they will choose to hang out with people that have similar bad habits. More often than not it’s nothing to do with you….sorta. You probably just don’t do or seem like you would do things that they would.  I’ve decided to make friends with older girls cos they are more into what I’m into, I’m 24 but I relate more with ladies who are 35 +

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