(Closed) making him move – am I in the wrong?

posted 5 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3574 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t know if you did the right thing, but I do know it’s really going to stink if he can’t find a job after 2 months and has to move again.  

I think it’s unreasonable to find a job in two months.   I don’t think job fairs are useful.

Post # 4
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I think you were right and perfectly reasonable! Your relationship does need to move forward, I can imagine it’s very hard being long distance. I don’t know what the job market is like in your area but if he doesn’t have a blooming career where he is now, he could probably find a job, ANY job, in two months, and then just keep looking for one he likes. Correct me if I’m wrong but not-so-glamorous jobs are usually not so difficult to get, right? 

Post # 5
Member
13099 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

You say it will be easier for him to find a job if he is there but on the flip side, I’ve always been told it is easier to find a job if you are already employed.  So if he quits his job to relocate before he’s already lined something else up, he may actually be hurting his ability to find local employment.  I’ve job hunted from a distance before and really didn’t find it any more difficult than being local.  People are really willing to do phone interviews.

I know it sucks being long distance (DH and I did it for 10 months) but I do think it is unreasonable to ask him to drop everything he has and move without allowing him to get something lined up where you are first.

What happens if he moves but hasn’t been able to find a job in 2 months?

Post # 7
Member
9074 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Mrs.KMM:  +1.

Job fairs do not mean anything. Just because someone attends a job fair and is qualified does not mean they will be hired.

 

I think you are correct in that your relationship needs to move forward, but I think you are being unreasonable for expecting him to just unroot his life, leave everything behind and just go on a whim for you.

What’s your backup plan? He doesn’t find a job in 2 months — Then what? Are you going to be okay with him going home since he cannot stay with you? Are you going to pay for him to find a place to live in the meantime? If he quits he can’t collect unemployment so he’ll have to survive on what he currently has.

You didn’t say how far thought out this was. What are you going to do if he doesn’t find a job? If I was in his position, I would be pissed if you asked me to move my entire life, I shlep my whole being out there, don’t find a job and I’d have nowhere to live.

Then I’d have to go all the way home and beg for my job back.

You don’t know he’ll have a job by then. It would be more reasonable if you helped him find a job first and then asking him to move. Moving in blind is a bad idea, and it is unfair to ask it of him.

Post # 8
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@itsmle:  there’s nothing wrong with being honest and laying it all out there. you should take into consideration what he might be going through, missing his family etc. but i don’t think its wrong to tell him long distance isn’t working and if he wants it to progress then he needs to move. you have kids. you can’t just take them out of school and move.

Post # 10
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

While giving ultimatums is usually not the answer, I completely see where you’re coming from. I know how tough it can be to be in a serious relationship and not really know the person on the day-to-day level, especially if you have kids and your kids need to start spending more time around him.

With that being said, his reservations may stem from the fact that relocating his life to be around you and your kids is a big deal, and what happens if it doesn’t work out once you guys are around each other all the time? What happens if there is a shift in the way his kids feel about you? What happens if you aren’t happy with the way he is around you or your kids on a day-to-day basis? I’ve been in a few serious long distance relationships and I know that it can be difficult to really know and understand how a person behaves and interacts with people on a daily basis during your visits since the person has time to prepare and “put their best foot forward” every time they are visiting. I have found this in most of my long distance relationships, including the one I was in with my husband. Once we lived in the same town (we didn’t live together before marriage) our relationship instensified in many ways and I learned new things about him as a person.

Perhaps you should try to have a heart-to-heart conversation about his feelings on relocating. While I don’t think it’s selfish to want him to move since you do have kids from a previous relationship (my husband also relocated to my town since I couldn’t leave and he had more flexibility), you also need to make sure that you’re not prioritizing your feelings over his. 

Post # 11
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think you are being selfish by wanting to be with him now, but I do think you need to cut the guy some slack. CLEARLY he wants to be with you, CLEARLY he wants to move and CLEARLY he wants a job where you are. He is being a smart adult by trying to obtain one while still being employed.

I get that you miss him, want to be around him, want him to get to know your kids, but are things really so bad that you just can’t allow him to keep searching for a job? What keeps him from being able to travel to where you live for an interview, if one came up?

As PP have said, also, Job Fairs don’t really do anything; unless it’s for, like, high school students or college kids trying to get internships. Those are the only times I’ve ever seen those as useful. :/

Post # 12
Member
9074 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I suggest helping (This is a key word here) him find a job where you are so he has something to fall back on when/if he moves to you.

Post # 13
Member
8285 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I totally understand where you’re coming from, but honestly I wouldn’t want to move without a job either. 2 months can turn into 2 years in this crappy economy if you’re unlucky.

Post # 14
Member
1966 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

There’s nothing wrong with being honest about how you feel, even if it comes off a little harsh. But I don’t think ultimatums are the way to go. Its not easy finding a job. He’s being responsible by wanting to find a job first. Especially since he’s moving to be with you, not live with you. 

Post # 15
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@itsmle:  I think it’s pretty reasonable. If he’s not that into the relationship, then you need to know. If he is into it, then keep moving it along!

As someone who lives in San Diego, I’m totally bummed every time I have to leave. That being said, the job market is TERRIBLE. I know tons of people who are “underemployed” (along with regular ol’ unemployed), and my fiance will have trouble getting another job here when the time comes. We know that there may be a time we have to leave just for that reason.

Post # 16
Member
3053 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

My SO moved 3 hours away from her home when we moved in together after 10 months. She left her job and as soon as she got here, she started pounding the pavement…she had a job within 2 weeks. Granted, she IS in nursing which does tend to have many job openings but another example is I have been looking for a job for about a month I think and I was hired on the first actual interview I went on. My application options were ONLY online so I don’t think it would have mattered if I was living in the city or not until it was time to interview, which I would then have driven TO the employer to interview as I don’t like phone interviews only & I think people can truly grasp my personality better by meeting me in person.

What does your SO do? Is it something that has transferrable skills?

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