Post # 1
- Wedding: August 2015 - Manor Park Country House
Yet again asking for advice bees (as you are so good at giving it!)
I have a male friend, who is also a colleague, and I love the guy to bits. He has been a great support through my episodes of anxiety and depression, a good laugh and just a great friend in general. We usually hang out with other mutual friends but sometimes we call at each other’s houses for a cuppa and catch up. He knows Fiance and they are quite friendly as well. All is well, right?
The trouble is that one of our mutual friends, who is one of my BFFs and BMs, told me the other day that he confessed to her that he has strong feelings for me. Eek! I love the guy, but not at all in that way. There is no sexual attraction or romantic feeling on my part. He knows I am getting married though I worry now that I am somehow stringing him along?
Should I carry on as normal? He has said nothing about this to me or even hinted at it through his behaviour, but I feel now that things like visiting for a cup of tea is almost teasing him or something 🙁 Should I stop visiting him alone and just hang out when we are with other friends? Should I still text him? Whilst he knows I am happy with Fiance, could things like this make him think I have other ideas, however innocent they are?
I know I am probably overthinking things, but I just don’t want to mislead him, hurt his feelings or anything like that. Please advise/reassure/say all the clever things that you lovely ladies always do. Thank you 🙂
Post # 2
I think you should act like you normally do towards him and don’t say anything untill he personally comes out and tell you himself he likes you. Until than try to be nice to him but not too nice.
Post # 3
I suggest distancing yourself. Don’t cut him out of your life, but treat him like an aquaintance, not a friend. So basically cut out any sort of unnecessary one-on-one interactions such as texts or house visits or hanging out as just the two of you.
If you think you owe it to him, you could talk to him about it. If not, then just start to distance yourself and see if he takes the hint.
Post # 4
Definitely put some space between you two. He may have already accepted that you’re with your Fiance but needed to tell someone about how he feels. Since he hasn’t directly told you I wouldn’t try to bring it up as it may add insult to injury, you know? Just carry on as normal and be friendly but don’t go too far out of your way to hang out or do the one-on-one thing. I have very few guy friends left after getting into a serious relationship but I make a point to only hang out with them in public as it really seems to set a boundary.
Post # 5
-sunshine-: don’t ruin a great friendship because of this. Pretend you don’t know. It would be FAR more hurtful to bring it up or to distance yourself from him than any potential for stringing him along which, by the way, you are not.
I have liked a guy friend that way and he liked me as a friend – I’m grateful he didn’t drop me when I confessed my feelings. We are still great friends and have both found partners since then.
i have also stayed friends with men who confessed to being in love with me and I just liked those couple of men as friends. No they didn’t start stalking me or even act irritated with me – both are happily married now and we are still friends.
If you read Jane Austen, Charles Dickens and other literature about society/comedies of manners, this is a very common theme that friends are in unrequited like or love with friends. Think of how long Agnes loved David in David Copperfield. Even if he is feeling some angst about your marriage and confessed to your friend, he secretly enjoys liking an unavailable woman. Or he wouldn’t.
Post # 6
-sunshine-: This is the reason i don’t have male friends- they can never JUST BE FRIENDS. I think you need to distance yourself. Even if you haven’t led him on, he may be holding out hope. I think it’s only fair you distance yourself so he can get over you and move on himself.
Post # 7
what are the chances your friend is not being honest about this “confession”? Are you sure they aren’t trying to stir up drama? Maybe THEY like the friend and are jealous of your time spent with him?
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2015 - Manor Park Country House
cbgg: I wouldn’t like to mention it to him as he doesn’t know that I know! If I bring it up out of the blue, I am risking BFFs friendship with him as well as my own – he obviously hasn’t cottoned on to the fact that she loves gossip and cant keep a secret unfortunately!
daisybee90: Whilst I LOVE your dramatic spin on things (haha), she is my BFF. She loves gossip and can’t keep anything to herself but she would never lie to me (touch wood!). She herself is happily engaged and has 2 children with one of male friend in question’s friends.
To every other fantastic person that replied so honestly and kindly: As upsetting as it will be, I guess our friendship will have to drop a peg. Most of you seem to have confirmed my worries that I might mislead him if I carry on the friendship at such a close level.
-Sigh- Wouldn’t it be nice if life, love and friends were straight forward?!
Thanks everyone, if anyone else has any suggestions, do keep them coming – I need all the advice and kind words I can get!
Post # 9
I don’t think you need to distance yourself from him. Has he tried to breach the boundaries of friendship or acted/spoken disrespectfully towards your relationship with your FI? If not, there’s no reason to punish him by distancing yourself. Hanging out with someone as a friend is not stringing them along or teasing them unless they see it as such. Which I doubt this guy does or else he would’ve told your mutual friend that as well. Don’t sell him short.
Post # 10
-sunshine-: First of all, if he hasnt tried to act inappropriately towards you or done something to make you uncomfortable, I don’t think you need to distance yourself. Just because someone has a crush or feelings doesnt mean that he doesnt realize you’re taken by someone else and that he respects that. Shame on your friend for telling you what he told her in confidence. I would go about your friendship normally. He’ll move on.
Post # 11
If I were you I would keep some distance. I think your biggest issue is that you’re visiting him alone. The fact that you’re reaching out to him to have one on one time is probably what’s giving him hope that there’s something there. Although it’s not intentional, you are leading him on by doing this. You can still be friends, but you need to make a point that you only see him as a friend and he just needs to get over it.
Post # 12
That is tough, and there is no easy answer. I can only speak for myself and say, I would feel very uncomfortable spending time alone with a man if I knew he had romantic feelings towards me. It would feel disrespectful to all parties involved, including my Fiance.
I’m sure you’ll get great guidance from others on this board. Ultimately, you’ll have to decide what feels right to you. Good luck.
Post # 13
-sunshine-: I really think that you should slowly remove this person from your life. The fact is, he knows that you are engaged, and developed feelings for you anyway.
the most appropriate and kind thing to do would be to just let it be, and walk away from the friendship.
Post # 14
I find it very hard to be just friends with a guy without them getting the wrong idea and end up wnating more.It has never worked with me.Everytime i tried to be just friends with guy,they always end up wanting more.It would be nice to have a guy friend who i can talk to just as friend
The only guy friend i have is gay and i dont have straight male friends so go figure