Male friend's wife won't leave me alone! Help!

posted 1 year ago in Beehive
Post # 31
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I personally think a lot of these bees are wrong.  You are not a cargiver for your friends marriage.   I mean, think about it – how the hell is she supposed to even know what the wife thought was acceptable or unnacceptable?  Sure, back off while a relationship is blossoming until you meet a few times or something,  but after that, if you are truly only platonic friends then you are doing nothing wrong and it’s up to your partnered friend to introduce new boundaries if he and his wife think it is necessary. .

As far as the wife reaching out, well as much as I empathise with her that her marriage has fallen apart, she clearly has no proof that it had anything to do with you (considering nothing ever happened) and her sending you texts is inappropriate.  

I would probably send her one more text saying that you sympathise with her, but you have never been romantically involved with Jake.  Then I would say that I was going to block her, and if she continues to harrass then your next stop will be the police. 

 

Post # 32
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

Just block her. I know many are taking her side, but maybe she’s always been a jerk and their marriage had other issues. Who knows; either way, you don’t deserve the abuse. Also, I’m sorry some others are being critical towards you because they feel that relationships should dictate everything. They shouldn’t. 

Post # 33
Member
355 posts
Helper bee

“I am going to block you now. I understand your pain regarding your marriage, but I cannot allow you to take it out on me anymore. Whether or not you believe me is not the issue. Please, focus on what matters. Leave me out of it. Thank you.”

^ The high road.

Post # 34
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

No point giving her a piece of your mind. She told her ex-husband at some point that it was either her or you and he refused to choose between you. Doesn’t matter whether your relationship was platonic or not.  At that point you might as well be screwing him and the results will be the same, i.e.—he ACTUALLY REFUSED TO PRIORITIZE HIS WIFE OVER YOU.  I mean what in the world is that?

No woman is OK with her husband literally saying he can’t choose her, his wife, over another woman.  There’s a reason “forsaking all others” is in the traditional wedding vows. 

Not getting into the right or wrong or good or bad in not backing off the friendship. Her husband caused all of this.  Just trying to get you to see that it’s pointless to try to explain things to her because she is (understandably) never going to be OK with you. And why should you care about that anyway? She was never your friend.  

Post # 35
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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sarahdenise :  He should have chosen her when she gave him that ultimatum. I’d probably think my husband was being more than platonicwith a friend who I had let him know I was uncomfortable with their relationship and then he chose her. This isn’t your problem though (even though you should have stepped back when you were straining their marriage but what’s done is done). She’s hurt and entitled to anger, it’s not surprising that she’s taking it out on you but you still don’t have to take it . Giving her a piece of your mind would be kicking her while she’s down. I’d text her “I’m sorry you’re going through this but I had nothing to do with it, if you message me again in an accusatory fashion I will block you.” And then block her if she does. She’s a person who’s been wronged and is hurting, remember that. What’s your purpose for not blocking her already?

Post # 36
Member
355 posts
Helper bee

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camenae :  
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SVandy60918 :  I’m not so sure… I understand the sentiment of course. But I don’t know that I’d ever be ok with my spouse giving me an ultimatum.

I’m the type of woman that has mostly male friends, and I have no trouble keeping things platonic. My husband was a little bit uncomfortable with that at the beginning of our relationship. The simple solution was just to talk to him about it, to hear his concerns, and then to actually address them. I included him in all of our group activities. I made it a point to not see any of my male friends one-on-one until he was comfortable with it.

If you’re being genuine (which I realize the guy in this situation is NOT) then your spouse should eventually be able to see that. I picked my husband because he fully understands me, and therefore he understands my relationships. He also has female friends that he grew up with whom some of his ex-girlfriends had tried to cut out of his life. He was a little uncomfortable introducing me to them as well. But trust is everything to a relationship. They’re great people, and one of his female friend’s kids were our ring bearer and flower girl. 

My point is, as much as I am uncomfortable with someone chosing a friend over a wife, I’m MORE uncomfortable with the wife forcing him to choose. I, too, would probably choose the friend. Not because I care about the friend more, but because I’m going to choose the person who’s not handing me the ultimatum. Of course, to each their own.

Post # 37
Member
594 posts
Busy bee

I would just block her number & be done w/ it. 

Post # 38
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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pearleaf :  you made a point not to see opposite sex friends one on one until he was confortable, he didn’t. He continued a close relationship with you despite her telling him she wasn’t comfortable with it. That pushed the ultimatum. You should have backed off on the friendship and respected their marriage. She should have been #1 unquestionably, instead he disregarded her as his #1 priority to have friendships with females she wasn’t comfortable with and also to cheat. If my husband told me he wasnt comfortable with a guy I’d just stop communicating with them. It’s not hard to cut people out, you just don’t make time for them and they disappear, which is what should have been done in the first place. It sounds like you were both took the ultimatum as an excuse to invalidate her in her own marriage. I’d give my husband an ultimatum if it was a big enough problem too.

Post # 39
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

Now we know why she was always not happy with you from the get go. Something was fishy and maybe you were the easiest to blame.

I say block her after telling her you are no longer friends with him either. I had to lose what I thought was a best friend after she got caught several times in the sack with other men… instead of her fiance. 

Point is… I assume you don’t condone cheating in marriages which means morally… hes not someone you should be friends with anymore anyways. Puts a bad image on you.

Post # 40
Member
12814 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
youngbrokebride :  “I mean, think about it – how the hell is she supposed to even know what the wife thought was acceptable or unnacceptable?”

The friend specifically told OP his wife hated her and that he was given an ultimatum and chose to ignore it. 

Post # 41
Member
538 posts
Busy bee

I feel like you kind of brought this on yourself. Yes, your friend ignored his wife’s concerns and essentially put you above his relationship with his wife but at the same time, you ignored her concerns too. Someone should’ve been the adult in this scenario. If it was truly a platonic friendship and nothing more, why would he risk his marriage over it and why would you stubbornly hang around, knowing you’re causing problems in someone else’s life?

You can maintain a friendship with someone without hanging out all the time and casting suspicion over your friendship. Why are people under the impression that to maintain friendships you have to be “besties” and do everything together and screw anyone who has a problem with it even if it’s your spouse, the person you swore before God and everyone to forsake all others for and cleave only unto for all eternity? Mature friends understand that when you’re in a relationship, it’s not necessarily appropriate to behave with opposite sex friends in the same manner as when you were single. 

I hope you’re never in this situation when you get married or in a relationship with someone you love. 

Post # 42
Member
10216 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m just going to say, if this was a post from the wife’s perspective that her husband had a female friend she was uncomfortable with and had made it known yet husband wouldn’t give up the friend nor would friend back off when she clearly knew she was causing issues – the answers would be 1000% different. 

 

Post # 43
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

It wouldn’t matter how many times you went back and fourth with his wife about you to not having an affair, she is going to believe what she believe’s. You can respond once and say tell her that nothing ever happend between you two and than I would block her. There is your way out. Don’t get caught up in their drama. He did her dirty not you. You have nothing to do with their relationship so don’t put any energy into it. It’s a bunch of drama you don’t need in your life. Unless you want it. 

Post # 44
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

View original reply
slomotion :  right??!! That was literally my first thought after reading this…. ill never understand. 

 

OP it’s simple. give her that canned response once, mute her text messages (she’s not blocked but u dont get notified when she texts you)

& then stop hanging out with her husband. Just stop.

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