Post # 1
My mom moved 2 states away a few years ago and put our family through the ringer. She lied to us, divorced my dad, and basically alienated us. I haven’t talked to her since December. I have no idea if we should invite her to the wedding. It feels so wrong not to, but I feel like no one would be able to relax and have fun, especially my dad who has supported me whole-heartedly through the last 4 years. I don’t think there would be any drama or anything like that, but with every thing we’ve been through, I don’t think we could ever patch things up. She’s basically a stranger to us now, but she’s still my mom.
Any suggestions or advice?
Post # 2
If you are looking for a right answer there probably isn’t one. If your gut is telling you it’s too stressful for everyone to invite her then don’t. But know that this might end what remains of your relationship with her.
I also want to send a hug because I can’t imagine what you have been through and are going through.
Post # 3
There becomes a point where parents need and deserve their own life too. It sounds like she hit that point. Do what is best for you and leave the rest behind.
Post # 4
Have you discussed it with your dad? Do you think your mom is expecting an invite?
I think this is one of those situations that no one can tell you what to do, it’s such a personal thing with a lot of emotion attached. My best advice would be to go with however you envision your day when you think of it. Is your mom there or is she absent? Would you miss her presence or be so happy that you and your guests are relaxed and having a great time?
Post # 5
My dad has grown into a (mostly) selfless person. He would tell me to invite her, even if it killed him. We haven’t officially announced our engagement yet, but she knows a wedding is imminent. I don’t know if shes expecting an invitation. Our last encounter was not a pleasant one.
Another awkward point. Roughly a week after my parents divorce hearing, my sister posted an innocent video of my mother, who wearing an engagement ring. Do I invite him too? Is it tactless to tell her to leave him at home?
Honestly, the only place she’s had in our lives since she left has been causing problems. Her absence wouldn’t affect us at all, in theory. My brother hasn’t talked to her in well over a year, almost 2. My sister is still communicating with her, but she’s technically my half sister and doesn’t have the same relationship that I do with my dad.
But, my FH is a guy she had been trying to set me up with since high school. She was so pleased when we started dating. Took us 11 years, haha, but we got there!
I’m just afraid I’m going to look back and regret whatever decision I make.
Post # 6
Being a mother doesn’t automatically give someone the right to cause chaos and bring drama to your family’s lives. Don’t invite her, you’ll have other things to give you stress and you’ll be happier in the long run without worrying about what she’ll do if she shows up.
Post # 7
I’ve been estranged from my sister for years (her fault, lots of drama). I’ve put off getting married partly because I wanted to reconcile someday, it feels wrong not to have her there standing next to me. We used to be super close as we barely have any other family. So the other month I messaged her to invite her to lunch—— turns out she was 9months pregnant! She wasn’t going to ever tell me?! I put my life on hold for her, but she was out living her life and not thinking about me. Having a baby is huge! She didn’t want to include me?! I was hit with a bag of bricks. I’m not important to her?! so I have to stop. and just let her go. I’m devastated and angry. I just have to focus on my own life now I guess. I don’t know her anymore. This taught me blood is not thicker than water, family is who you choose not who biology decides. Relationships are complicated and it’s ok to throw in the towel.
Has your mom tried to reach out and reconcile at all? I bet shes not even sorry for what she did to you all. Shes so wrapped up in her own head that she thinks she did nothing wrong. Your mom sounds narcissistic and if you invited her she’d try to make the day all about her. Please don’t invite her. For the sake of your future happiness you might just want to let her go.
Post # 8
In your situation I wouldn’t invite her. Congrats, enjoy your peaceful wedding!
Post # 9
yupmarried : She sends my daughter little gifts every now and then. Otherwise, she respects that I no longer want any communication with her. I’m sorry about your sister! That’s awful!
She knows what she’s done, and she denies how it’s all affected us. I think that’s the biggest thing driving a wedge in. She refuses to accept any responsibility in the situation and plays the martyr every chance she gets. On the plus side, this is my second marriage and she got to plan the first wedding, so at least she’s seen me getting married once. That’s enough, right?
Post # 10
snpmarin : I’m sending you a big hug bee! I also have no communication with my mother and I’m not inviting her to our wedding, I sometimes think about our relationship and how I wish I had a caring and nurturing mother that would do everything for me but I realize now that my dad fills that role and now I don’t care what everybody says about my situation. A lot of people have said to me: “but is your MOTHER, how could you not have communication with her, you should just forgive and have a relationship with her”
I’m at peace with my decision and I hope you will too.
Post # 11
yupmarried : I’m so scared that this could happen to me and I’m so so sorry it happened to you. My sister haven’t even congratulated us on our engagement and it’s because my mother is poisoning her mind. Be strong bee!
Post # 12
Well, if you don’t think she’ll cause drama and your dad is genuinely ok with it , then I’d invite her , with a plus 1 . Regrets tend to be about things we don’t do rather than things we do.
The only thing that would give me pause would be if your dad does not have a new partner and you think she might make a thing of that and flaunt hers, as it were.
Post # 13
Why don’t you call her and let her know you’re engaged, and have a bit of a chat. The way she responds and the way you feel about the talk afterwards will maybe help nudge you in one or the other direction.
Post # 14
Hi Hun, my mom upped and left and flew to a different continent when I was 14, I tried early on to have some kind of relationship with her, but the man she was with was toxic and interfering and so it didn’t work. As an adult I’ve chosen to not have her in my life. She only chose to apologise for her actions last year. 17 years after the fact.
She wont be invited to my wedding and I won’t feel like I’m missing out. I know your mom being involved in a wedding, going dress shopping etc is supposed to be a special moment, but instead of focusing on what it should be, I’m focussed on what I’ve got instead. I’m incredibly lucky with the people I have in my life.
Mine of my best friends is an older lady who when I told her I’d got engaged was as happy for me as a mother would be. She just turned to me and said “Oooh I’m so excited we can go dress shopping, I can get a big hat” I can tell you, I cried, balled my eyes out like a baby because despite being let down by my mother who is supposed to do all those things for me in life, here I had an amazing friend who is going to make sure I’m not going to feel like I’m missing out, without me having to say anything.
So I say don’t invite her just because in a normal situation you’re mom would be there. Yours is not a normal family dynamic, focus on what you do have and the people who can give you a fantastic wedding experience, you’re not missing out by not having her there
Post # 15
You aren’t even close enough now to know if she is actually engaged (you assume so from a video), let alone to whom.
People aren’t owed invitations based on DNA. And would she like to see you marry the person she kept trying to set you up with? Well, sure. She just doesn’t want it bad enough to treat her family decently or maintain a healthy relationship with you…So oh well. Invite based on the relationships you have now, not what used to be.