(Closed) Man-support… DH is forgetful! or is he just lazy? Help! (LONG)

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Sounds like a child. 

Post # 4
Member
7000 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

flutterbiikisses:  Was he like this before you married him? I can’t imagine these are qualities that popped up overnight, so my biggest question is why would you marry someone who basically is a 30 year old child? He is not going to change, and no amount of nagging will make him. Do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life? I’m not normally one to jump to just giving up – but honestly all of that are things that would make me jump ship ASAP because I’m not in the business of being a grown man’s momma.

Post # 5
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It sounds like he has ADD. 

Post # 6
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2016

If its recently gotten worse, you might want to suggest to him to get a check up.

Post # 9
Member
6642 posts
Bee Keeper

As PPs have suggested–I assume he was like this before you married him? And, yes, he does sound a bit ADD.

People rarely change and he doesn’t seem inclined to do so. If you want to be with him you can make adjustments to how you handle things. Examples: hire out some things, such as house cleaning, to make your life easier so that taking on responsibility for bill paying, etc. isn’t such a burden. Stop making him lunches and tell him he is on his own for lunch–if he wants lunch he’ll have to pick something up during the day. If he complains about the expense remind him that it’s cheaper than throwing food away at home.

RE: communications–ask him to repeat important things back to you. It’s not a guarantee, but it may help. Does he use a smart phone? He can likely set reminders with alarms on his phone’s calendar or task list. The two of you can also share an electronic calendar through gmail or something similar.

You are married to this man–only you can decide how much you can put up with. There are people in this world who just can’t seem to handle the things you’ve described but you can put some systems in place to help deal with it. Good luck, Bee.

Post # 10
Member
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

This is significant and honestly I would be really really pissed if I were in your shoes.  My husband forgets minor things I ask him to do, but never important stuff like bills or anything like that.  I honestly think that you may be enabling the behavior unintentionally by taking care of it for him.  It’s time to stop that.  Find a system that works.  Get a household calendar and physically write all the dates that bills are due/money comes out of the accounts.  Put it in a prominent spot.  Also put together a “honey do” list for him for the week.  Tell him he can do the same for you if he wants to.  If he doesn’t pay for his car insurance, tough cookies, he can deal with the consequences.  It is NOT your responsibility to pay it for him.  Just let it go.  It sounds like the only way he will learn is if he sees the consequences.

He does sound like a man child and frankly I don’t think this behavior came out of nowhere.  I’m sorry you’re dealing with it but unfortunately it sounds like this may already be ingrained.  Personally I wouldn’t have the time to parent a 30-something year old husband…

Post # 11
Member
589 posts
Busy bee

Maybe sit down and do the bills together? Write the due dates for the bills on a big white board where he sees it everyday, or setting alarms a few days before they are due?

What can you for auto bill pay? Can you set it up so on a certain day each month, X amount of money is transferred to the account it’s needed in automatically? It might help eliminate some stresses. 

If you think something has changed, maybe its time to sit down and have a talk. “Hey, has everything been alright at work lately? I’m really feeling frustrated and stressed because I feel as if you are neglecting some responsibilities that you weren’t previously, and I just need to know if somethings been going on or if you are going through something so I understand.” See where it goes from there.

 

 

Post # 12
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I would totally check out these books:  

 

http://www.amazon.com/You-Mean-Lazy-Stupid-Crazy/dp/0743264487

and 

(I love this one) http://www.amazon.com/The-Disorganized-Mind-Coaching-Control/dp/0312355343 

 

I think that they are both really good, and will help you get some perspective on what might be going on in your particular situation.

 

Post # 13
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

I deal with some similiar issues in my marriage. Here is my advice.

Talk to him honestly about what is bothering you. Come up with a plan to deal with the big stuff. Like the bills. Maybe you have to be in charge of everything, his paychecks, paying all the bills, etc. Sure it sucks, is major responsibility but it will be better in the end because you will know everything is paid on time. Should you HAVE to do this? No. It is an option to fix those stressors. 

Leaving everything out of the fridge is really weird. I’m not sure how to handle this one. have you added up the cost of him leaving food out, letting it go bad, and his wasted lunch food? Maybe if he sees an actual total cost of that per day/week/month, it will hit him that he needs to be more responsible. Alternatively, you could set a budget for groceries for the week or month, buy what you need and if something goes bad, don’t replace it. When he says, “why are we out of milk/butter/etc?” say “that food was left out and went bad and its not in our budget to replace them until the next shopping trip.” maybe that will make a light bulb go off. Just some thoughts. 

As far as reminding him where stuff is, would labels help at all? Otherwise, I just tell my husband every time he asks. 

I also deal with my husband lying (sp?) about things that don’t matter. I’m not sure why he does it but I haven’t pushed the issue yet either. So far its not about anything big since I deal with all of that. I think for my husband, it might be pathological from his childhood. He moved around a lot and was on his own from a young age so I think its a survival mechanism. I’m not making  excuses for him, just trying to figure things out. 

As far as your husband not remember things, I’m the one who is guilty of that in our relationship. I don’t know why it happens, I’ll either forget I told him something and tell him again, or I will forget he told me something. He always seems so upset when I don’t remember, I apologize but its not like I’m actively trying to not listen or anything, its just some things sink in and others don’t. 

You could always pursure marriage counseling for ways to communicate more effectively. Maybe he just needs to realize how much all of this is affecting you. 

Good luck, bee. You are not alone. 

Post # 15
Member
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

In that case YOU should be the one responsible for the bills and HE can be responsible for other things around the house…dishes, vacuuming, taking out trash, etc.  Take charge of the finances, have a monthly financial meeting to see how your goals are coming along, and he can take care of more household stuff.

Whatever you do, do not let this slide.  This a major issue.

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