Post # 16
mrsfry2015: Thanks Bee. I guess I already know how I feel about this but I guess I am wondering how on earth I didnt notice or why I let it carry on. I also dont know why if its been there somehow in the whole time I overly care about it now. It just puts me off. I feel like I am over reacting or being stupid because there are so many other wonderful things about him. I dont want to be a psycho. I will do counseling with him but I have a feeling this will do nothing. The more I read responses the more I think this is him and I just turned a blind eye. Stupid me haha. If anyone gets to be damn immature and childish its me and I dont get a damn change to do one thing out of line. Its beyond me 😉
Post # 17
ljm308: I am entirely responsable for our financials and have been for prob our whole relationship really. The car payment is just something I handed to him as I dont really care for it and to see if he would take responsability subconciously. Looks like he hasnt so this has all come up over something small and really insignificant for me. I have even enlisted an accountant who comes and teaches me how to do things like reconciliation so I am in control and know what is happening. Someone I can call for financial claification when necessary. Alot of this I have learnt and done myself but I guess I am tired. Tired of this responsability. Sole financial responsability can be immensely draining. Sometimes I cant sleep though really our financials are not in a bad place.
I have attempted leaving household things his responsability they wont get done until he needs something, like work uniform. Since it would all be in a pile of 3 weeks worth of washing or whatever. Sucky… I can only laugh because the more I respond and the more I think the more I am saying ‘ what was I thinking’
Post # 18
Yikes. Well, it sounds like this has already built resentment and that’s not at all good. It’s time for a SERIOUS heart-to-heart. He needs to realize that this is negatively affecting you and has been for quite some time. If he doesn’t care, that shows you how he values your relationship and marriage. Lay it ALL out on the table; it’s definitely time to do that.
Post # 19
I’d agree with PP that it sounds like ADD or some other issue rather than just carelessness. He should speak to his doctor about it because it is serious, and there potentially is help available. Everyone forgets things periodically but being that haphazard about virtually everything isn’t good for him, and it’s not good for you and your marriage either. For now if I were you I’d also take over all the finances, to the point where he would have a certain amount of money in a bank account allocated to him for his spending and you handle everything else. It wouldn’t be permanent, just until he gets a better grip on whatever is eroding his memory and focus, but until then for the good of the household he shouldn’t be in charge of anything he can damage through serious carelessness.
Post # 20
OP, did I read this right? That his behavior has become progressively worse? In that case, I’d say a trip to the doctor is in order as strep one.
Post # 21
Is your husband my fiance? I swear I could write this word for word.. Sigh.
we’re coming up to 5 years living together, I didn’t notice it so much the first few years but now my gosh!!! I get so bloody mad at him for all of those things and more, my patience has run out and I honeslty don’t know if I can keep it together much longer 🙁
Post # 22
Don’t have kids until this has been resolved. My friend has 2 kids with her severe ADD husband and she is miserable. Causing her to have heart problems from all the stress.
Post # 23
Is he being treated medically?
Post # 24
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
My husband is also this way although not as bad….he absolutely has untreated ADD which causes these behavioral patterns. He’s learned to handle the important stuff, I.e. financial etc, and I’ve learned to deal with a lot of the other things, I.e food being left out etc, although to be honest I have some constant resentment about how he is not always reliable.
Poor guy though. It must be hard to be such a flake and feel like he’s constantly letting down his wife. Maybe if he realized how crucial this is (that you’re considering leaving!), he’d get his almost-guaranteed ADD treated?!
And I would just resign yourself to doing some of the tasks that you are better suited for. I handle our finances and also do almost all the house picking up…..otherwise his stuff would just be scattered everywhere. He does almost all the cooking and kitchen cleaning, which is his strong suit. Hopefully there is a similar setup you guys could settle on for your respective “chores”.
Good luck! It can be frustrating,but I try to remember that his same brain chemistry that drives me fucking crazy sometimes is what makes him so smart and clever and empathetic and interesting…. However, unless he really addresses this in a meaningful way, I think the constant resentment you have building is not sustainable long term. Sorry lady : /
Post # 25
If this has gotten progressively worse I would be going to the doctors. Early onset Alzheimers is a very real thing. If he’s forgetting to pay bills, putting old food back in the fridge it can be the start of something more sinister. Good luck!
Post # 26
I do not think he has a medical issue because he is apparently able to turn it off for work. He seems to want you to “mother” and take care of him. Some guys really like that and there are women out here that love to do it! Unfortunately, you’re already married and you don’t seem to be one of them so you guys need to find a way to meet in the middle.
My husband was like this to a degree. He was 40+ when we married and had been single all his life. He had EXCELLENT credit so I know he paid his bills on time his whole life but all of a sudden, he seemed completely unable to write a check, fill out a form, or do any paperwork related to our household – taxes, bills, etc… If he wanted something (say a magazine subscription or a dress shirt or to send a Christmas card to someone), he asked ME to get it or do it. I did resent it. I did not go to graduate school to become his personal secretary. He was otherwise an awesome and excellent individual, husband, father and provider but his mother died when he was 8 and he liked my taking care of him. He showed his appreciation in too many ways to count and really, we kinda morphed into taking care of each other in all the ways we knew how. Compromise is a sliding scale. I took care of him and the house and he took care of all of us.
Look at it this way, if you were single, you’d have to pay all those bills yourself anyway. It isn’t HIS car. You’re married. It benefits the household. Look for ways that he can show his appreciation to YOU (if he isn’t already) and keep him on his toes with THAT. In the end, it all balances out. I promise 🙂
Post # 27
Maybe you are really getting annoyed by all these flaws now bc it has sunk in that this is it for you. There’s no where further for your relationship to go. It’s easy to overlook red flags when there are exciting things on the horizon.
I have to say though, one thing that stands out to me is that you said the finances keep you up at night although things are in pretty good shape. There’s no excuse for him not paying his car insurance but is it possible you could be kind of an over-the-top-worrier about money?
Post # 28
He is somewhat like my SO, who has ADD. As other PPs have commented, you may want to look into it.
Post # 29
sassy411: I know in the past he took meds. But his prescription may have lapsed since he can’t get it together enough to make an appt.
When it was just the two of them, they made it work. He was better able to handle some of the household stuff. Things got crazy with the first kid. But while Darling Husband took care of the kid (playing with or taking her out), she could take care of the house stuff. But with the 2nd kid, all hell broke loose. And with the added chaos, DH’s ability to handle any amount of house stuff has dropped to almost nothing. So she has moved up in her company, so has more stress. Plus the stress of 2 kids. Plus the stress of having not a husband, but another child.
And they’ve always struggled with the imbalance. It’s hard to be husband-wife when you are in the Mommy-child role so often. And now they are always in “putting out fire” mode, they can’t even do things like go to couple’s counseling or have him see a Life Coach that specializes in ADD.