Managing mother's expectations

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
694 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

favflamingo :  I would not address it up front, as that could look like you’re trying to start a fight and also give her the opportunity to make a huge issue of it. I would address the issues as they come and set firm boundaries. Don’t waver from them and don’t negotiate or explain yourself. Just say, “This is mine and FI’s wedding and this is what we’ve decided.” Rinse and repeat and change the subject. Do not engage in arguments or encourage her. Do not allow her the control and let her know that this is how it will be and if she doesn’t like it and chooses to make a scene, she will not be invited to the wedding. She doesn’t have to agree and you don’t have to do things the way she wants, but she has to understand you are an adult now and you get to make your own decisions and she has to respect them or she’s out. I cut contact with my mother over similar issues a year ago. It’s hard but so worth it and I wish I would have known more about setting boundaries and sticking to them years ago. 

Post # 4
Member
7159 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

As PP said, I wouldn’t anticipate any issues. Your mother may have realized, between your sister’s wedding and now, that she acted out and showed her entire ass and it wasn’t a good look. Maybe not. But unless she comes to you with one of her requests (a special table for the mother of the bride? Really? Does someone need attention and some business of her own?)- just move forward with your plans as though everything is proceeding according to plan. My friend calls this “act natural. say nothing.”

If your mother does come to you with some request (“I want to do a personal shimmy down the aisle because it’s really all about meeeeeeee!”) then just look at her and say “Why would you think we would do something like that? No, I don’t think we will.” and then get back to planning. If she does that screaming/crying bs, walk away from her or hang up (the way one does when a child throws a tantrum). Also- what was your father doing when she was doing all of this during your sister’s wedding before? Did he challenge her at all? Do you think he would be able/willing to run interference with her?

Post # 6
Member
7159 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

GOOD LUCK! Come back and show us when you get your dress and especially if you have success stories to share about managing with your mom. I know there are others who will want to hear about tips they might be able to use with their own mothers.

Post # 7
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Vineyards

Wow, sounds a lot like my mum! I think it needs to be brought up from the start so that she doesn’t spend months thinking she’ll get away with these crazy ideas and then chuck a bigger fit when she finds out otherwise. My parents are not paying for my wedding either so any judgement calls they question I will just say “are you paying for it? No? Then my day, my way!”

Post # 8
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I genuinely thought I had written this post and forgot about it…is your mother my mother??? We’re currently planning our wedding having witnessed the nonsense that my mom pulled before and at my sisters wedding…this included her processing down the aisle (not a thing). My mom keeps talking like she’s coming to my hen weekend despite me telling her directly three time this was no way on this planet happening. She acts like she should be at the centre of all of the plans and doesn’t seem to get that we have work lives and social lives that means planning will be done when it’s convenient for us not her. We’re paying for the whole thing as a result of my parents behaviour at my sisters wedding and you’d think that would stop the crazy but nope!!!! I can see our wedding putting our relationship at breaking point. 

Post # 9
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

View original reply
favflamingo :  Your mother sounds like Mrs Bennett from Pride and Prejudice.   Centre of attention lmao.

Post # 10
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
favflamingo :  I could have written this except I am your poor sister and I am going first!  I anticipated what she would be like so I played her at her own game. I approached each of the things in turn as they came up. I knew there were things she would be difficult about and there were some I felt strongly about and some I didn’t. Not mature, I know but it seems to have worked! I objected to all of the things I didn’t want but adopted a ‘oh go on then. If it makes you happy’ approach with the things I didn’t really care about. This way it seems like I’ve compromised (and I have to a degree) but when I say NO I mean no!  I know this isn’t the most adult way to deal with the situation but I have learned that I really cannot reason with her! She totally lacks common sense and empathy and no one and I mean NO one can convince her she’s wrong! She’s had some of what seems to be her own way for some things so she feels like she’s winning! I’ve stood fast on the things I feel strongly about. It’s all quiet at the mo so here’s hoping ha. 

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