- 3 years ago
- Wedding: September 2017
Oh Bees, could I use your advice!
Here’s the situation: I am one of three girls, and the last to get married. All of us were/are gifted a sum to pay for the wedding, each the same with adjustment for inflation/region (one sis got married 4 years ago, so it is a bit of a difference now). My father promised the money, regardless of the cost for the wedding to do with as we please, with one catch. We have to repeatedly ask for installments of the money (which I thought meant we would ask when we book the big things and then about 1.5 months in advance) – which he takes joy out of making me squirm on the phone. The issue is that he has already promised these funds and now I have to basically go and beg him for the funds.
To complicate things, I am not having a traditional wedding by any means. Both my sisters had full barn weddings with bridal party and 100+ guests. I’m doing a nice restaurant and after party with 34 people total, no bridal party. To give perspective, our photographer costs more than our venue (but we do have an epic photographer, so if you’re in the DC/Baltimore area hit me up if you’re looking). From what my parents have said, this is how they’ve done the payments to my sisters, but I’m not convinced.
Currently our expenses are greater than my father will give, my Fiance and I had panned to used the funds to book our honeymoon too. Don’t get me wrong, we are not spending beyond our means at all, we could have afforded a much larger wedding if we’d wanted one without any help from my parents, they offered to be fair to all their daughters – which is a kind thing for them to do and I’m not upset with them for that.
What is concerning is the manner in which I have to ask for funds to cover the wedding expenses. Repeatedly and groveling. My father literally used that term, that I needed to grovel a little. Then he proceeded to say that I’d get the rest of the funds on the wedding date (which is almost half the total he’d promised) and that he was doing it to protect himself. You know, in case one of us gets cold feet, or I decide to blow $4,000 on a cosplay (which would never happen in any universe even if I s**t gold). Just a small FYI, I do not have student loan debt, I am on track for retirement, I own property, and I am frugal and fiscally responsible (which puts me at a better place than either sister is currently!) So I’m really annoyed at the lack of trust from my father in the realm of finances, especially because the amount is small and it’s not the money that’s getting me, it’s the behavior I have to do to get a gift that was already promised.
Now, my Fiance has paid for all of the honeymoon out of his pocket, and I do owe him for that, which I can easily pay him back now, but he won’t let me because of my father’s behavior. In fact, my Fiance would rather I return all of it and recind my parents invitation to the wedding because of my father’s manipulation. So now I’m in between a rock and a hard place and don’t know what to do.
Bees, how would you handle this situation? I have a good relationship with my father outside of this, and I don’t want to damage that, but this is causing a lot of pain between my Fiance and me because I’ve let my father get away with this bad behaviour.
TL;DR: My Fiance is upset because my father is being manipulative, and completely untrusting of me as a person.