(Closed) Manipulative Father and Upset FI: Advice Needed

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
5457 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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ginniesueneverblue :  

You say you can afford it without your dad’s money. Why not tell him “thanks, but no thanks. Having to rely on someone else for the money is very stressful for me, so we will pay for it on our own”

It’s not worth your anxiety or stress and your dad isn’t going to change.

Post # 3
Member
1502 posts
Bumble bee

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ginniesueneverblue :  if you can afford all the wedding expenses, then I’d tell your father thank you for the offer to pay but I don’t need the money. No grovelling necessary. 

Post # 4
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Your father sounds like a peach. I would tell him where to stick his money and pay for it yourself. That isn’t a gift at all if you have to beg for it. I’m not really sure what he gets out of it, and I’m not sure I want to know.

Post # 5
Member
9535 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

sounds like strings are attached.  when i was a teenage, i sent a birthday check back to my grandma.  she signed it “moneybags” and said i only use her for her money.  i didn’t need that crap.

if you say you can afford the wedding you want, do it.  don’t worry about anyone else’s money.  if your dad gifts you the money after the wedding, think of it as bonus.

Post # 6
Member
2170 posts
Buzzing bee

I would also return any money to your father and not get any more from him. That is emotionally abusive and you do not have to put up with it. Let him keep the money and gift it to you if he wants. 

I would still invite them to your wedding, tho who knows how your father would react if you did this. 

Sorry bee!

Post # 7
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Your father’s behavior is creepy and disgusting and it pisses me off. I agree with your Fiance. He wants his daughter to grovel repeatedly for money he promised her? And where does your mom stand on this?! This whole thing is so creepy and unacceptable. 

Stop taking his money. Cut wedding costs if you have to. “Actually dad, I am a strong woman and I’ve made my own money, no groveling required.” Or to avoid conflict, just stop making those icky calls where he makes you beg. 

I would also send him back any money he already gave you. I don’t understand what he gets out of making his daughter repeatedly beg him for money, and I’m not sure I want to know. It’s definitely not something I would participate in.

Sorry this happened, Bee. I’m glad your wedding was already within your price range. Your dad was so wrong to make you do that.

Post # 8
Member
2990 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

How can someone even spend $4K on a single cosplay? I think all of my cosplay friends had that $1K cosplay (like a Disney princess dress made entirely from dupioni silk or a ton of fiberglass armor), but my most expensive cosplay was $500 and I went all out. 

Sorry, I get fixated on dumb stuff like this. 

I’d just not ask for any more installments and pay for the rest on your own. No confrontation, just stop doing what you’re doing and pay for the rest. Normally I’d say refund what you accepted as well but if you had to grovel for money towards your deposits then you earned it! 

Post # 9
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I would also stop taking his money. No way would I grovel to my father for money for my wedding. Especially as you say you can afford it without that.

Post # 10
Member
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
ginniesueneverblue :  

Your father enjoys the power he’s dangling over you. It has nothing to do with trust. He wants you to squeal like a good little pig, jump however high he wants you to jump and you…..consider this as an option??? You are so lucky that you have your Fiance in your corner who wants to stand up for you. Too bad you don’t seem to be able to do it for yourself. If this is normal behavior for him, I feel sorry for you cause you deserved a much better father. It’s weird because you became so independent financially….you did great! Were you ever told how proud you made him cause I’m thinking….NO.   Emotionally he seems to hold power over you since you can’t seem to say “thanks but no thanks”. I bet that would be a slam dunk for you if it was a complete stranger. How does it being your father make it okay?

 

In case you don’t get my drift……this is a power play! It’s a game to him…..This is NOT something a good father does! Just don’t join in and give him the satisfaction he craves. Your father is a piece of work.

Post # 11
Member
2267 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

So, one thing occurs to me here: if your relationship is otherwise good and healthy, it may well be the case that he believes what he’s doing is playful or cute.

You sound like an extremely responsible person with your head on straight. This may be some version of the trope that this is the last time in your life you will come to him for anything. If you are largely independent he sees you don’t rely on him anymore and feels this is his last chance to be needed.

That being said, I think that whatever his intention, what he’s doing is manipulative and borders on abuse. A loving father shouldn’t want to see his daughter “grovel”

I think there are degrees of response based on what you want the outcome to be.

If you want the abusive behavior to stop but don’t want additional confrontation, just stop playing along. Don’t ask for any additional money. Pay for whatever expenses remain and don’t bring the subject up again. If your dad asks why you aren’t groveling, just say “We’re all set!”

If you want to address his attitude, I’d stop asking for money AND send him a check for any funds he’s already disbursed. If he asks why, you say “We’ve decided we’re happier covering all the wedding costs ourselves.” If he presses the subject, “We didn’t think groveling was the best way to spend time in the days before our wedding.”

Unless you want to cut ties with your dad, and it sounds like you don’t, I wouldn’t rescind his invitation. However, if refusing any additional money – or returning it – causes an outburst, I’d explain how hurtful you find his treatment of this subject and insist that if he can’t be more respectful, you’d prefer he not join you at the wedding.

Standing up and refusing to tolerate poor treatment from anyone should make him realize he’s crossing the line. Hopefully he’ll respect your courage and apologize.

Post # 12
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

I feel so bad for your situation.. But you shouldn’t stall any longer and just tell your father that you’re responsible enough and old enough that he doesn’t need to try to manipulate you in order to get you your money. Just tell him that it’s enough and you don’t want his money anymore and you can pay for it yourself. Props to your Fiance for benig so supportive of you. Defnitely just talk it out with your Fiance and figure the budgets for your wedding instead of having to grovel in front of your father for money. 

Post # 13
Member
10517 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You don’t need the money. Don’t ask for it. Tell your father you are capable of paying for the wedding on your own and no begging will be happening. His attitude is just gross.

Post # 14
Member
528 posts
Busy bee

That man actually used the word “groveling?” How utterly disgusting…

I have to side with your Fiance here and I’m surprised you even want your dad’s money after this pathetic show of power.

He might as well be saying, “Dance Monkey, Dance!”

Post # 15
Member
7806 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You understood your father’s “catch” and decided to accept his groveling requirement/terms anyway–you had a choice–your father isn’t “getting away with” anything. Why are you surprised that he’s doing exactly what he said he was going to do?

There is an easy response to your father’s twisted approach–just don’t ask him for any more money. 

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