(Closed) Manipulative friend wants to be maid of honor

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
7440 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Without all that back story necessary- just say no. “You are a great friend and I would love your support as a guest”

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by theatrejulia.
Post # 3
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee

You don’t have to tell anyone they aren’t going to be a bridesmaid. Just don’t answer any of her questions about the wedding party. You don’t owe her an explanation. Send her an invite like the rest of the guests, and she’ll get the hint.

Post # 4
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee

Given up for adoption at age 10 (because she was manipulative?!) and then somehow adopted and given up 3 MORE times by age 18? Do you know how long adoption takes? This sounds like a troll.

Post # 5
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

maybe I’m missing something but it sounds like she hinted that she better be invited to the wedding? Are you planning on inviting her? If so, then please just tell her that yes, she will be getting an invite. If she becomes impossible over the bridesmaid stuff, then tell her you can’t deal with her and don’t send an invite.

She sounds like she has some emotional or behavioral health issues. It is tough to deal with so good luck to both of you.

Post # 6
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Sassafraz in Toronto, Ontario

View original reply
knickergold:  

She had an extremely hard childhood, which eventually led to her mom giving her up for adoption at the age of 10

Didn’t say it was because she was manipulative, just that she had a hard childhood. The mom could have lost her to CPS.

And maybe she meant fostered, not adopted. 

 

Post # 7
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee

She doesn’t sound manipulative so much as extremely needy. Given what you’ve described about her family situation, I feel bad for her — she probably latched onto you early in your respective lives because you and your family made her feel safe and wanted while it sounds like her own family abandoned her, and continues to be clingy because of her insecurities. I’d be annoyed in your situation, but making her a Bridesmaid or Best Man would be a compassionate thing to do because you’re one of the most important people in her life even if you don’t reciprocate the feeling.

If you don’t want her to be in your wedding no matter what, put her off until you ask your Bridal Party, and if she asks again after the fact, tell her that you’ve already chosen your bridesmaids but would love to see her at your wedding as a guest.

Post # 8
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
penguinally:  Lol No, she sounds like trouble. If you’re already feeling like she could be a loose cannon and you’re not 100% sure about her now, I would not ask. One of my BM’s that I felt 100% about, over the year of wedding planning shifted her priorities (got a new boyfriend and only hangs out with him now) and refused to meet up with me to catch up or hang out because she says she doesn’t want to be away from him. Even the best of people can change, and I would ignore her. Sounds like she would lash out but a one time lash out is better when you’re not relying on her to be an important part of your big day. 

Also, I got comments from friends like “I better be invited to the wedding!” or “I can’t wait to come on your bachelorette party!”. True friends don’t need to say that, and they also won’t impose anything on you that way if they cared about you. Just ignore, I ended up not inviting those “types” because I realized we don’t even hang out anymore. 

Post # 9
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t even have to read through all that to answer your question:

You don’t have to make ANYONE a Bridesmaid or Best Man. You don’t have to preemptively explain to anyone they’re not going to be in the Bridal Party (which also usually just makes you seem presumptuous and self-important anyway). If she asks, you can tell her that you woudl love to have her support as a guest. If you want to ask her out of pity, then that’s fine. Just have reasonable expectations of what that entails.

But I think that it’s never a good idea to be friends with anyone out of pity. She deserves a REAL friend, not one that tolerates her because they feel sorry for her. So if that’s not you, then you’re doing her a favor by establishing your own boundaries, and if it’s a difficult blow for her, I understand, but she’s living in a delusion right now of her own making. Far better for her to look for a genuine friend without clinging to you.

Post # 14
Member
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

She is difficult to deal with likely because of some intense insecurities. Your ignoring her questions make it worse. You don’t have to have anyone in your Bridal Party And you don’t have to include her, but it WILL really hurt her feelings, there is no getting around that. Is there another way you can include her in the wedding? Maybe a reading? whatever you do, take time time to talk to her soon, gently and kindly, so it doesn’t intensify. You sound very annoyed with her, so try to put it aside and remember what you love about her. 

Post # 15
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with PPs and with not promising anything to anyone at this stage like you said. just play down the wedding when she brings it up and then when you’re ready choose a couple of key things you are comfortable involving her in, whatever they are. I don’t know, i wouldnt be able to leave her out entirely as she has been through a lot and probably considers you closer friend than you do her for whatever reasons (trust?). I’m not saying take it all on or anything…. This is over and above your wedding experience and day. congrats xx

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