(Closed) Manipulative friend wants to be maid of honor

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
1455 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

She’s had kind of a hard life- that may be part of why she is kind of hard to deal with.

you don’t have to make her a bridesmaid-clearly, you pick who you want- but, I guess I don’t really see her as being manipulative.

it seems like you and your family were truly the only consistency in her life and the closest thing she had to family for a long time. It sounds both like she is excited about your wedding and also really hopeful that she will be part of it.

i agree with other posters- you don’t have to make her a bridesmaid, but it might be the compassionate thing to do that or give her another role in your wedding. If you choose not to, don’t leave her hanging. She’s clearly had a lot of disappointments in life- it’s not kind to just ignore her messages. Just kindly tell her what your plans are.

Do you ever wonder why she clings so much to those childhood times and “promises” with you? They may be some of the few happy memories she had. Not saying it is your problem- I’m not saying you are responsible for her- but she had to grapple with her parents not wanting her and at least two failed pre-adoptive placements?? You said your family even considered adopting her, but ultimately chose not to. It’s a lot of loss and rejection for someone to take. If it was me, I’d probably try to include her in some way.

Post # 18
1705 posts
Bumble bee

I definitely don’t think you’re being heartless, it’s not your fault that she’s become so emotionally invested in your wedding. My Fiance and I were just talking about this; he noted that it’s always a certain “type” of person who is pushing for an invite or pushing to be in the wedding party, and it’s never really about the couple getting married, it’s about the person who’s pushing.

I hope that if you just continue not to talk about the wedding that much, she’ll stop pushing and focus on something else. You literally JUST got engaged, so people are all excited about it right now, but that will slow down in a couple weeks.

Post # 19
7235 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Sounds like she has some attachment issues. I feel for her- I had a friend who had a very hard childhood and had some severe attachment issues as a result. I wanted to be there for her, and was for many many years. I eventually had to recognize that I couldn’t heal her wounds and I couldn’t be her primary attachment- no matter how much compassion I had for her.

I also feel for you because you’re in a challenging situation. Having bridesmaids – in the great scheme of things, is really not that important. But this situation has the potential to be a very big deal for your relationship with her.

Good luck to both of you. Also- the book “Hold Me Tight” has some really interesting information about attachment and how people sometimes lash out when their relationships feel insecure.

Post # 20
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Muhlhauser Barn

i agree with a PP that said she probably clings to you so much because her childhood with you was probably the best times of her life.  You are a good person and I think you have a kind heart to keep in contact with her though she may not fit into your “best friend role”.  I like the idea of maybe giving her another role? like passing out programs or something?

i wouldn’t put her in the bridal party because of everything that you said and you choosing who YOU want to be standing next to you is YOUR choice!

Good Luck bee!

Post # 21
221 posts
Helper bee

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penguinally:  I can see how this is, my cousin was the same. I gave in and got her to be my bridesmaid and guess what? It didn’t get me anywhere, she stressed me out and pissed me off. She’s not my bridesmaid anymore and we aren’t speaking anymore AT ALL. Just tell her she’s a good friend and she will be getting an invite and that you look forward to seeing her at your wedding as a guest.

Post # 22
549 posts
Busy bee

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penguinally:  my sister is the same way….it’s some people’s behaviour. It happens. 

My sister also assumes she’s my Maid/Matron of Honor and again I am not even considering her for a bridesmaid. 

My plan? Asking my girls and setting up MY and my SO’s special day. If my sister has a freak out? That’s on her. She will not be invited to the bridal shower or Bachelorette. 

It is your day. It is your memories. It is your girlies you NEED up there.

If you need to say something tell her you need girls who live closer to you as your bridal party but would love if she could attend what she can as she is more a sister than just another one of your girlies.

It is super tough she just needs a sense of family and you probably are one of her senses of security. 

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