Post # 16
She’s had kind of a hard life- that may be part of why she is kind of hard to deal with.
you don’t have to make her a bridesmaid-clearly, you pick who you want- but, I guess I don’t really see her as being manipulative.
it seems like you and your family were truly the only consistency in her life and the closest thing she had to family for a long time. It sounds both like she is excited about your wedding and also really hopeful that she will be part of it.
i agree with other posters- you don’t have to make her a bridesmaid, but it might be the compassionate thing to do that or give her another role in your wedding. If you choose not to, don’t leave her hanging. She’s clearly had a lot of disappointments in life- it’s not kind to just ignore her messages. Just kindly tell her what your plans are.
Do you ever wonder why she clings so much to those childhood times and “promises” with you? They may be some of the few happy memories she had. Not saying it is your problem- I’m not saying you are responsible for her- but she had to grapple with her parents not wanting her and at least two failed pre-adoptive placements?? You said your family even considered adopting her, but ultimately chose not to. It’s a lot of loss and rejection for someone to take. If it was me, I’d probably try to include her in some way.
Post # 17
When we were children we were neighbors with her biological mother. After she was given up she wasn’t allowed at my house cause we lived near them. My parents would of adopted her if we could but we couldnt considering we were down the street from her mom and we’re unable to move at the time, and we had 6 kids in my family and a smaller house as well.
I think I should of worded a few things better in my original post, but thank you all for the comments. I’m really not ignoring her, just when we talk, and she brings it up, I just try not to talk about THAT too much, and change the subject. I am trying to be kind and gentle with her through this. I would like to have her involved if I could, but even my mother suggested not to have her in the bridal party just because how she is. We all love her but she does have a few things she needs to work on and grow out of still, which is fine. I just dont know that I could handle it on my wedding day and leading up to it, not because I’m insensitive or don’t love her, but because she is a stressful person, I’m not even having my older sister in the wedding for close to the same reason. I just am choosing a few people who I know will support me best and keep me calm.
I hope no one thinks I’m being heartless to her. She has always been this way though, I’m not blaming her for her issues, it’s just how she is. Some people are just like that. I’ll do my best to keep her involved in some way.
Post # 18
I definitely don’t think you’re being heartless, it’s not your fault that she’s become so emotionally invested in your wedding. My Fiance and I were just talking about this; he noted that it’s always a certain “type” of person who is pushing for an invite or pushing to be in the wedding party, and it’s never really about the couple getting married, it’s about the person who’s pushing.
I hope that if you just continue not to talk about the wedding that much, she’ll stop pushing and focus on something else. You literally JUST got engaged, so people are all excited about it right now, but that will slow down in a couple weeks.
Post # 19
Sounds like she has some attachment issues. I feel for her- I had a friend who had a very hard childhood and had some severe attachment issues as a result. I wanted to be there for her, and was for many many years. I eventually had to recognize that I couldn’t heal her wounds and I couldn’t be her primary attachment- no matter how much compassion I had for her.
I also feel for you because you’re in a challenging situation. Having bridesmaids – in the great scheme of things, is really not that important. But this situation has the potential to be a very big deal for your relationship with her.
Good luck to both of you. Also- the book “Hold Me Tight” has some really interesting information about attachment and how people sometimes lash out when their relationships feel insecure.
Post # 20
- Wedding: November 2016 - Muhlhauser Barn
i agree with a PP that said she probably clings to you so much because her childhood with you was probably the best times of her life. You are a good person and I think you have a kind heart to keep in contact with her though she may not fit into your “best friend role”. I like the idea of maybe giving her another role? like passing out programs or something?
i wouldn’t put her in the bridal party because of everything that you said and you choosing who YOU want to be standing next to you is YOUR choice!
Good Luck bee!
Post # 21
I can see how this is, my cousin was the same. I gave in and got her to be my bridesmaid and guess what? It didn’t get me anywhere, she stressed me out and pissed me off. She’s not my bridesmaid anymore and we aren’t speaking anymore AT ALL. Just tell her she’s a good friend and she will be getting an invite and that you look forward to seeing her at your wedding as a guest.
Post # 22
my sister is the same way….it’s some people’s behaviour. It happens.
My sister also assumes she’s my Maid/Matron of Honor and again I am not even considering her for a bridesmaid.
My plan? Asking my girls and setting up MY and my SO’s special day. If my sister has a freak out? That’s on her. She will not be invited to the bridal shower or Bachelorette.
It is your day. It is your memories. It is your girlies you NEED up there.
If you need to say something tell her you need girls who live closer to you as your bridal party but would love if she could attend what she can as she is more a sister than just another one of your girlies.
It is super tough she just needs a sense of family and you probably are one of her senses of security.
Post # 23
Thank you everyone for your replies and advice.
I know she’s not going to understand though. As the girl I’m choosing as my maid of honor lives very far away too, and I’ve known “Mary” longer than her. To her thats the most important thing, she thinks cause she’s known me the longest I’m not allowed to have other friends or ever replace her. She’s still very jealous of things like that.
And I don’t feel that she wants to be my Maid/Matron of Honor because she’s just so excited and happy for me. I feel it’s to compete with other friends. And how she says I promised to make her my Maid/Matron of Honor when I was young, I know for a fact I never did, I never even cared about weddings when I was younger or even knew what a Maid/Matron of Honor was. I feel like she just said that to make me feel like I have to choose her, because I “promised”. She just makes it obvious what her motives are. She wants what she wants and doesnt usually give up until she gets her way. It’s frustrating, but she’s always been that way.
I’ll do my best, but I know anything less than a Maid/Matron of Honor will not be good enough for her. Even my father said I’ll likely lose her over this, but he agrees it wouldn’t be a good idea, she would take over and get mad at my other girls and just create drama.
My older sister has said the same thing, that she “better be the maid of honor”. So if i have Mary in the wedding, I can’t not have my older sister. Why do people feel it’s okay to demand they be apart of other people’s weddings? It shouldn’t matter how close they are to you, its so presumptuous to say that. It’s so frustrating.