(Closed) Manipulative friend wants to me choose between her and my fiancé

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

 9th grade that my friend didn’t like. And that was 7 years ago”

 

so so you guys are what, 21 years old? Step back from all the drama and relax.  

Two major points here that I see:

1.  Like other posters have stated, stop venting about your SO.

2.  If you’re fighting and venting that often, maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationships and how you handle conflict 

Post # 17
Member
1560 posts
Bumble bee

I think I’ve read somewhere that the people best able to predict whether a marriage will succeed are the friends of the couple and not the couple itself. 

I don’t think you actually need “the whole story” to judge a relationship accurately. Some red flags just don’t have counterweights even if the people in the relationship think they do. 

I’ve been the ‘friend’ in this situation, trying so hard to get her to see it. And by the way all our other friends who she thought were more supportive were saying behind her back that the relationship was trash, but they saw how angry she got with me so they just lied. We aren’t friends anymore, but he did break up with her, which surprised nobody but her. 

Your friend is probably right and you’re probably being defensive. 

Post # 18
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

How old are you? I dated my DH long distance for 6 years and being LDR is REALLY hard and can lead to lots of fights and being on/off. For the first few years of being LD we broke up a few times and fought a lot and honestly it was due to me just being a brat. Thankfully I realized how I was behaving was wrong and once I changed MY behavior our relationship has been so wonderful. LDRs aren’t like any other relationship and you really have to be able to communuicate very well to each other. I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion you should end the relationship. Just be introspective & think about ways you can act in order to strengthen the relationship. I say that because you mention that part of it is your fault. Regardless about your friend you need to stop venting to her or bad mouthing your BF. But at this point the damage may already be done. In that case I would be upfront with her, tell her this is the person you are going to marry and she can either support you or don’t.

Post # 19
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee

So here’s my advice to you for both now and how to handle situations like this in the future.

For now, you need to seriously evaluate your relationship because even you admit you have some issues. Go to your friend, and let her talk. Let her tell you what she sees wrong with the relationship and really listen instead of arguing. Let her know that her opinion matters to you, because right now all she’s seeing is you coming to her when it’s bad and leaving her alone when it’s not. That’s not the way to sustain a friendship. You don’t have to agree with everything she says, but you need to take what she says seriously because it sounds like you have some problems in your relationship that need to be addressed, and maybe she can give you some insight if you two can have an adult conversation about it.

As far as your relationship, other PPs are right saying that sometimes people on the outside have a better idea of what your relationship is like than you do, because we are often blinded to the bad because we care for the other person and desperately want to see the good. It sounds like your friend’s opinion isn’t enough to sway you, but there are definitely some red flags. Maybe talk to someone who’s close to you (like mom/dad/sibling/other friends/etc.) and get their honest opinions. But try to aviod someone who you’ve vented to about every problem in your relationship. Tell them “I’m evaluating where this relationship should go and I want your honest opinion about how the relationship works and if you think it can succeed long term.” Sometimes everyone can see it but you, and if you get negative feedback from multiple people that’s a serious red flag. You need to step back and really learn about this relationship from an outside perspective.

In the future, you can’t expect people to like your SO if you only tell them the bad. I 100% understand the value of venting and getting advice from a friend, and I’m not going to suggest you stop completely because that’s a healthy coping mechanism as long as your willing to listen. But if you’re relaying the worst of times to your friends, you also need to be telling them the good as well. If you’re sharing the positive aspects as well as the negative, your friends will have a more complete picture of your relationship. Also, giving less detail probably wouldn’t hurt if you’re not searching for advice. You can vent without getting into the nitty gritty, and just expressing your feelings vaguely will probably give you the same relief. 

Post # 20
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

So, you consistently tell her what a pos he is, and now you’re surprised that she is convinced he’s a pos? Also the first thing to her out of his mouth was “spend several hundred dollars.” He doesn’t know her well enough to be “joking” like that.

Stop bitching about your partner or otherwise inviting others into the relationship. If you need *advice* then look for it from qualified people. Is your friend in a marriage that has lasted? Look to: a therapist, preacher, older married couple who can be unbiased, anonymous boards with married people.

But if you’re needing to vent all the time, breaking up for a few days, he is ignoring you, fighting all the time- then maybe your friend is right. 

Post # 21
Member
4229 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
ginnyb98 :  So if I were in your friend’s situation and a close friend told me the awful things about her fiance including him NOT TAKING HER CALLS (!!!!), I would probably hate him too.

Actually I’ve been in this situation.  A friend who I’m honestly not very close to anymore confided in me how awful her SO was/is….multiple times.  She would call me and tell me all these awful things that he did and how he manipulated her and was awful to her…and I would tell her to break it off because I love her and want the best for her.  She didn’t listen and married him anyway and to be honest I still hate him for the awful things he did and said to her.  I attended their wedding to support her, I’ve always told her I’m here for her because I am, but now she acts like everything is all hunky dory because they’re married when in reality it’s not.  I haven’t forgotten the things that my friend told me about her SO, and honestly I probably won’t fully forgive him for it.

The way you talk about your friend makes me wonder why you’re friends with her in the first place?  Friends don’t hate their friends’ SO’s unless they have a good reason.  My BFF HATED my first serious boyfriend.  HATED him.  I didn’t listen to her and she thankfully stuck by me, but when we broke up the floodgates opened and she told me exactly how she had felt about how he treated me when we were together.  If when my husband and I were dating she didn’t like him too much I definitely would have listened.

You are also making a lot of assumptions about your friend here too…that she hates him because he’s in the military, that she is holding a “grudge” against him…you KNOW how your friend is.  This sounds like nothing new, so I can’t see why you’re so hurt/surprised by this.  If I were you I would listen to what she has to say and do some serious soul searching in regards to your relationship.  She’s not saying this or doing this just to cause trouble, it sounds like she genuinely cares about you.

Post # 22
Member
7979 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

OP, it sounds like you thrive off drama and conflict, both in your intimate relationships and your friendships. Perhaps you need to rethink why you’re attracted to that sort of thing.

Post # 23
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

This probably won’t be a popular opinion, but I’m gong to say it anyway. Your relationship with your Fiance seems to have some red flags. Have you stopped to think that maybe your friend is seeing things more clearly than you? 

I once dated a guy that was not so great. He was actually a pretty huge asshole that treated me terribly, but I was so blinded by my feelings for him that I couldn’t see it clearly. My friends didn’t like him. They weren’t always upfront with their feelings, but since our relationship ended,  they’ve all admitted that they disliked him and knew he was bad for me. I wish they would have spoken up while we were together. May have saved me a lot of pain and wasted years. 

Sometimes the people closest to us can see the red flags a lot better than the ones in the bad relationship. Maybe your friend is just doing what she feels she has to do to get you to see that your relationship isn’t ready for marriage. 

Post # 24
Member
10306 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Sounds like she has legitimate concerns and is doing what a friend should do, which is try to help you see the truth of the situation you’re in.

I think down the road you’re going to realize maybe she did have your best interest at heart and maybe you should have listened to her.

I’ve been there. Everyone hated my ex, I lost a lot of great friends because I wasn’t willing to listen to what they were trying to warn me of. They were all 100% right and I had to eat crow and admit that to them once I realized it. 

Agree with PP from what you’ve shared I would be leery of marrying this guy at any point. Your relationship sounds immature and dysfunctional.

Post # 25
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2026

I think you should drop the friend and the fiance, because clearly your relationships with both of them are pretty negative. I wouldn’t want a friend that cusses people out and misunderstands me. I also wouldn’t want a fiance whom I am constantly arguing with because we aren’t able to communicate our feelings in a calm manner. 

Post # 26
Member
2454 posts
Buzzing bee

I have been that friend. My best friend from 8th grade was dating a guy. She was convinced that she was going to marry him and I was not for it. I saw so many red flags. She was constantly giving up so many things, he was judgey about what she did, expected her to take care of him, and they just wanted different things out of life. He did not treat her as a partner and I just didn’t think he treated her like she deserved to be treated. She dated him for five years and everytime they got into a fight or she had to give something up for him I would bring it up. I would say this is your relationship but you just did this last month for him or you just gave up this for him. Etc. Etc. And I would constantly point out the repeated pattern. It took her FIVE years to finally realize that I was right. That this was not the guy she was meant to be with and that she deserved better. Her own mother used to talk to me about her concerns with their relationship…. But at the time she was oblivious and thought he was the love of her life while everyone around her saw how terrible it was. 

She has been broken up with him and now knows what she is after and isn’t wasting her time on some guys that don’t deserve her or treat her right and I am so proud of the strong, confident women that she has become. She knows her value and won’t settle anymore. 

Is it possible that she sees something that you just can’t see? I find it pretty hard to believe that she is doing all of this for no reason. If she does act like this why are you even friends? 

I really think that she has your best interest at heart and you have admitted that you guys have problems while making excuses as to why you are fighting. Honestly, I think it is great that you guys are holding off on the wedding because I see so many red flags in this relationship based on the couple of paragraphs you wrote mainly  about your friend…. 

Post # 27
Member
1523 posts
Bumble bee

There are a lot of resources available for people who need relationship help where you do not need to burden your family/friends with all the problems you experience with your Fiance.  For instance you could go to a relationship expert/coach/therapist who specializes in relationship issues.  You could take a class or online course that teaches you relationship skills where you can communicate more effectively vs. reacting with anger and emotion.  You could join a relationship forum (like weddingbee) to anonymously ask for advice when you are having problems.  If you look there are a ton of resources available.

But let’s be honest.  If your friend has such a shitty view about men and is all about being manipulative and using them for her own needs, WHY THE F*CK would you even seek “advice” from someone who would give you shit advice in the first place?  If you are being honest with yourself, it really sounds like you are turning to your friend whenever your SO treats you like crap because you like to have someone commiserate with you about how he’s such a big jerk and blame him as being the asshole who hurts you so much rather than being a mature adult and focusing on YOUR contribution to the relationship problems.  It is so much easier to blame and label him as the cause of your relationship issues and getting people to side with you vs. owning up to how your inner asshole plays a part in how he reacts to you (i.e ignoring you).

Post # 28
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
ginnyb98 :   She doesn’t hate him for no reason. She hates him because of how shitty he treats you and she knows how shitty he treats you because you tell her over and over again. I’ve been the friend in this situation. Unfortunately my friend married her horrible bf and now he’s her horrible husband and we’re no longer in contact because I can’t be around him.  What do your other friends and family think of your bf? What are his good qualities? I see a lot of red flags in your relationship just from your post and I’m a stranger on the internet. 

Post # 29
Member
14170 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Relationships at this stage are not supposed to be this difficult or contentious. I don’t have to know you to agree with your friend that yours sounds toxic. That said, everyone in this situation sounds immature or like they have issues too large to be considering marriage. 

TBH, I wouldn’t support the latter either. 

Post # 30
Member
650 posts
Busy bee

We all can make the mistake of confiding in our best friends about our problems. I used to myself but learning I shouldn’t be so open about issues with friends because its inevitable they will produce an opinion that’s not so supportive down the road. That or they get tired of hearing about your man treating you wrong and get blunt.

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