(Closed) Marital Dispute- Hive…Please Help!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: 90th Birthday Party on New Years Day...
    The Hubs should totally go- who cares if there was 1 month notice?!? : (6 votes)
    13 %
    The Hubs should try and go- it's a big milestone even if the lack of notice is annoying. : (30 votes)
    65 %
    The Hubs should stay- previous family plans trump the 90th birthday party. : (7 votes)
    15 %
    Other- Please Comment Below. : (3 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 3
    769 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2010

    Could you put flights to Colorado on farewatcher and go visit later in January (assuming you can find a cheap flight)?  It wouldn’t be the same as being at the party, but maybe your husband’s grandmother would appreciate some special time with just the two of you?  Sorry – that sucks 🙁

    Post # 4
    563 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    Wow – this is a tough situation.  Given the timing and distance, your Mother-In-Law really should have given you more notice.  Is it possible that your hubby could talk to her about the extra expense and see if she offers to cover the plane tickets?  I don’t know anything about her finances, but if she has the money she may prefer to help cover the cost of his attendance rather than have him miss the party.

    Post # 5
    8353 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2011

    I think that if you can work it, you should encourage your husband to go. There may have been health issues holding up the invites. 90th birthday parties are very important, and depending on the health of that person, this may be the last time everyone can get together. Let mom know that it is going to be tough financially and if she has any suggestions, you would welcome them.

    Post # 6
    11325 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2011

    Why does the trip have to be so long? What about taking a flight out on new years day and just staying 3 days? That should cut down costs and allow him to spend more time with your family right?

    Post # 7
    1569 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 1996

    This is really hard. You would be completely within your rights to refuse to go, hinting that more notice would have been nice, but when you step back and look at the big picture, missing a 90th birthday party is probably not something you want on your list of life accomplishments. If the grandmother passes away in a few years, your husband will probably be really glad he went to this celebration.

    Post # 8
    1561 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    this really IS a tough one…I totally understand your feelings – especially having such extremely short notice…

    however – on the other hand – my first thought is – I actually feel guilty about not having seen my great-aunt enough before she passed away. I don’t want to assume the health of your husband’s grandmother – but what if this is the last chance he gets to see her? I’m not trying to make you feel guilty – please don’t think I am – but I just know that if I could go back and see my great-aunt, grandpa and grandma just one more time…

    Personally I would try to figure out a way to go. But that’s just me.

    while it may cost some – try to find plane tix for maybe just the 29th to the 2nd? make it a much shorter trip?

    I wish you luck in your decision!

    Post # 9
    4480 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

    How annoying! I agree with CorgiTales… he should try to go if there is any way you can swing it (90th birthday parties are kind of a big deal), but I’d try and cut the length of the trip as much as possible so that he can spend some time with your dad, who DID plan ahead!

    Post # 10
    545 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    The Mother-In-Law should definitely have announced this 90th bday celebration with more than 1 month notice, especially when it involved booking plane tickets.  It would annoy the heck out of me, since the father’s visit was planned way before this.  However, it IS your hubby’s grandmother and it is a great milestone for her so he should try not to miss it as it will not happen again.  I’d want to spend time with the father and stay with him, and see if the husband can get to see the father, too, before heading out to the bday party.  I probably wouldn’t go to the party, myself, if I don’t get to see my own father that often as is.  I also don’t understand why the birthday celebration would take that long.  Also, if the money is an issue, I (or the DH) might whine a little to the Mother-In-Law and perhaps she should help out a bit due to her lack of planning ahead.

    I hope it all works out for you!

    Post # 11
    1103 posts
    Bumble bee

    I think a gathering on new year’s day that people will need to travel for should be announced much further in advance (in my family I can imagine it would be announced a year in advance – everyone would be told at the Xmas previous). So yes, I’m with you on the annoyance thing. I’m not sure why your Darling Husband would have to go for 6 days though. I think if he is going to be spending Xmas at home with you and your dad, it would be ok for him to be gone 29-2 (or something). You and your dad can have some more time together just the two of you which might be nice.

    I should also say – if finances really don’t permit it now, I wouldn’t feel obligated for your Darling Husband to go, rather I would plan a trip to visit grandma later in the year when things aren’t so tight. Maybe Mother-In-Law will help out but if not I’m not sure I’d spend money I didn’t have on this trip.

    Post # 12
    5398 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Okay, this might be a crazy question, BUT, do you think that your husband could talk to his mom about pushing the party off just a bit so you can both go and possibly get better travel deals since you won’t be traveling during a holiday?  Since she just planned it last minute, maybe nothing is really set in stone so she can put the party off by just a couple of weeks?  Shoot, or how about maybe even the following weekend?  Will your dad be gone by then?  The timing is a huge bummer, but this is such an important event for his grandma that it would be an even bigger bummer if either of you had to miss it, especially since you never know how long any of us have left.

    Post # 14
    606 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Wow – Mother-In-Law needs some lessons on planning and common courtesy. Regardless, I suppose you cannot change her behavior and have to deal with this… silliness. Yes, I will acknowledge that a 90th birthday is a big deal. Your dad also making plans far in advance to visit for the holidays, purchasing plane tickets, etc is also a fairly big deal (I mean face it, that stuff isn’t cheap). And, as you said, you haven’t been budgeting to do that either. I think if Hubs feels SOOOO strongly, he should go alone and you should stay with your dad. I don’t think this is a perfect situation by any means, but I think it’ll be the one that will create the least drama. At the same time, you and hubs need to have a… well, as my grandmother says… ‘come to Jesus’ talk with Mother-In-Law – she can’t do things like that / make that sort of announcement, and expect people to run when she calls. People have lives, jobs, other family, committments, etc. I wouldn’t expect people to drop everything in my family for something like that without at least a few months notice (I mean it’s not like Mother-In-Law JUST realized grandma was turning 90 – she’s been 89 almost a year… soo…). You and Hubs should definitely clairfy with Mother-In-Law that in the future you two cannot attend functions like this that are sprung on you so quickly (for financial reasons, scheduling conflicts, etc).

    Just a thought.


    Post # 15
    6661 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I voted for the hubs staying due to previous family plans. I understand this is a very big milestone, but you already have holiday plans with family. If you feel really bad, then make plans to visit the 90-year old shortly after. New Year’s day is the worst day of the year to plan anything, especially something as big as a 90-year old bday party and last minute at that. I personally would be relieved we already had plans and couldn’t make it – leaving the house on New Year’s Day is a nightmare, no matter what the occasion. I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of other people decline the invitation due to the inconvenient timing.

    Post # 16
    14183 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Bella Luna said it perfectly….if Darling Husband wants to go REALLY REALLY badly, that’s one thing, but ask him to put the shoe on the other foot–how would he feel if he were you? I’d be highly discouraging my SO from going simply b/c it’s ridiculous to drop everything and go like that, especially when you ALREADY have company! You can’t just drop everything at the last minute–that’s a HUGE expense and i’ts not right to spring that on distant family members. I’d probably end up skipping.

    It’s kinda like picking one family’s event over another…at one point we just go with who made plans first. Otherwise, it can get nasty in regards to what’s “more” importnat

    Is the party a surprise? If anything, I’m sure she’ll understand if she gets a heartfelt phone call from your SO on the day of, saying he’s sorry you couldn’t attend because you are entertaining family from out of town already and it was too last minute to buy a plane ticket, but you’ll try to see her later in the month.

    And i’d take my SWEET time on the memory books and recordings…it’s the holidays. Is it even feasible to demand stuff?!

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