(Closed) marked by materialism

posted 8 years ago in Rings
  • poll: would you ask for a replacment ring if your ring wasn't what you expected or didnt cost that much

    yes because i wanted a particular cut or style

    no because cost doesnt matter to me, love does

    yes because i dont want everyone thinking he is cheap

    no, i cant believe he even proposed in the first place

  • Post # 62
    742 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I’m not grateful Fiance wanted to marry me in that sense. I’m kind and a great cook, I look after him, I make more money and I have epic boobs. Why wouldn’t he want to marry me?

    Fiance is tall and chiselled. He makes me smile when no-one else can. I’m incredibly grateful that we met. God or the Universe has truly blessed us with each other. 

    I’m someone who wouldn’t have accepted a ring pop. We already live together happily. If we are going to get married we are doing it to have a wonderful time and lovely things, not to probe our love. Living together through tough times, poverty and hardship has proven our love plenty enough for me. I don’t need a ring but now we can, I wanted one I liked. Fiance chose it and he chose right. I’d have told him if It wasn’t and he loves that about me. 

    For the purposes of disclosure my ring is moissanite and platinum. I’m allergic to most metal. I adore gemstones of every kind. Moissanite is one of my favourites but had it pushed the cost over the arbitrary budget we set I would have changed stone. I know what I like but I don’t have expensive taste. I don’t judge people who do, i’m sure they are way more pious than me in other ways 😉

    Post # 63
    1085 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    And let me say this to start with, not all bees on here are golddiggers, not all bees are more in love with the diamond over the man, the idea of a big over the top wedding and wedding ring over the actual one you are marrying but…


    At times it does seem like some (not all, not even most really) care more about money than anything else. When you occassionally see the posts “Let me see your $5000+ rings” and posts like those it’s hard to not assume this person is more about the price on her ring than having a ring to begin with.


    By posting like that you are automatically pushing away the rings that could be so beautiful and heartfelt, just aren’t show off items in your book (and again this isn’t everyone and isn’t even most people) and it does seem materialistic.


    I understand that everyone has their own opinion and everyone has their own standards they want their Fiance to live up to, so that is mostly what this comes down to. Some women wont accept a man who can;t keep a job, some women wont keep a man who wont spend 3 months salary on her ring, some women want even more, and some women just don’t care.


    I would have been happy with a sterling silver claghdah ring. But I know my Fiance put a LOT of thought into proposing to me. And I mean a whole year and a half trying to figure out how and wanting to. But it was because I wasn’t ready at first that he hesitated. And he could have gotten me a much nicer ring but he knew I would have beat him black and blue if he had, I don’t want that kind of money spent on me by anyone. I’d much rather take something cheaper but still sturdy and donate the rest of the money or do something meaning ful with it.


    But that’s just me, I’ve always said if I wont the lottery I would buy a house car and put money to the side for my daughters college and kid number twos college. After that anything at all left over would be donated. I’m a firm believer in not taking more than you actually need.

    Post # 64
    5154 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2010

    View original reply
    @soontobeGray:  Why should a woman be “grateful” she was proposed to and given a ring in the first place? In my world marriage is a mutual decision and both of you should feel like you are fortunate and blessed to be with each other. We choose each other, everyday. I am a strong, beautiful, intelligent, independent woman. I do not need to be “grateful” to have a man propose to me. What I am is very fortunate to have met the amazing man my husband is, to have a healthy and loving relationship, and to know that it was not just a matter of luck or someone deciding I was “worthy”. We are both equal participants in this relationship, and I had/have just as much of a part in our life together, our future, as he does.

    I got engaged without a ring (does that mean I win?). My husband asked me in some somewhat interesting circumstances, but we both had talked about marriage and it was a mutual decision. We went to choose rings together, but I decided not to get an engagement ring at the time and chose just to get a wedding ring instead. We were married a couple months after that and three months after that I decided my ring was not working for me. Yes, it is the ring that was exchanged at our ceremony, but I did not like how it felt on and it was not “me”. So, I got a new set. Then I got allergies and had to change it all over again. And now I have my forever set. It does not matter that my rings were not “given” to me in a proposal or at my ceremony because they still act as a symbol my marriage and many women who have changed their rings over the years or added upgrades are free to feel the same. My husband was more than happy for me to be happy with the rings I wear everyday even if that meant changing them, and changing them again. They are on my finger as I live in my marriage. My husband loves them, as do I, as they are very me. They are beautiful and I love wearing then. Oh, and by the way, while our incomes are shared, I am the main breadwinner so no golddigging here…I paid for them too.

    However, I also believe the rings do not MAKE the relationship. One ought not need a ring at all to know they are loved, or committed, or anything of that sort, so why does it matter if some women like to choose a new ring? There is no relationship protection guarantee afforded by keeping a ring you do not like. If you, as a couple, are both on board with it, and and have communicated about it, why does it matter if someone wants to change a ring, or get an anniversary (or no reason at all) upgrade? And just because a man (or woman) has not picked out a ring for their partner that was adored or to one’s taste does not make the man unloving, the relationship less meaningful, or the woman more materialistic. 

    Oh, and my husband’s love is not symbolized by any material thing. His love is expressed every single day in words, actions, and is carried with me always. I don’t need to wear a ring, or a ring he gave me, for that. If we were both on board with changing our rings 1,000 times over the course of our marriage why should it matter to anyone else? We know we certainly have something amazing, and I don’t need to “not change my ring” to prove that to anyone else.

    Post # 65
    4712 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 1998


    Post # 66
    9079 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I’m a bit on the opposite side of this.

    I will agree that I think most of it is blatant materialism. Be thankful for what you have til you can get what you want, kind of thing.

    My not-boyfriend proposed to me with a small diamond in a very plain band setting. It’s tiny, delicate, and he later explained to me, it’s not what he wanted.

    He proposed to me with this ring because his mother talked him out of proposing with the ring he wanted (She insisted I would not like it. This lady doesn’t even know me, so, whatever.) So, he got “The cheapest ring he could find.”

    My SO despises it. He says it’s his regret, his mistake. When he talks about it, he is wracked with guilt and remorse. My ring, despite me having fallen in so much love with it, causes him emotional pain. It isn’t what he wanted to propose with, and it didn’t go the way he wanted.

    It isn’t Materialism for him, or me, but he wanted “something better” for me.

    Currently… we’re still deciding what to do. I’ve agreed to give up the ring I love (It will be a very sad moment), to make him happy because I love him infinitely more than any ring.

    Any woman who says that her SO didn’t spend enough on her engagement ring is someone I immediately dislike. But, that’s just me.

    Post # 67
    313 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2005

    It’s silly to think the size of the ring makes the marriage.  If someone is upset over the ring because it’s too small the only thing that it shows is a petty imaturity that borders on narcissism.  Bigger bling does not make better marriage.

    Post # 68
    1935 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    View original reply
    @RayKay:  Perfectly said. 

    Post # 69
    2892 posts
    Sugar bee

    (Rolls eyes) This is ridiculous. Just a reminder, sweeping statements are often very insulting. If you’d read into these posts you’re referencing you might be surprised to find there’s actually very little materialism and quite a few complicated situations or just situations that that particular couple wants. But I hope you felt good patting yourself on the back.

    Post # 70
    8036 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    View original reply
    @EffieTrinket:  And honestly, the whole “You should just be lucky someone wanted to marry you” kind of irritates me. I’ve seen the Post Your Picture and What Do You Do For A Living threads. We aren’t a bunch of troll-looking women who leech off our men financially. Almost all of the bees I’ve seen are beautiful, successful and kind. I can’t imagine implying to someone like that, or even someone who objectively only hits only one or two of those criteria, that she’s lucky she found a husband at all and should just put up with whatever. Especially if she’s willing to help pay for the upgrade herself or it would be easily affordable for the both of them, she should have every bit as much right to a ring she can be proud of as he has a right to a car/watch/bigscreen he can be proud of.

    Very well said!!!!

    Post # 71
    6354 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I would be upset if:

    – he would have proposed with a simulant, because he should know that I would be against that.

    – he would have lied to me about anything about the ring, including making me think he didn’t have money for someting nice, but really secretly spent it on something else frivilous for himself instead while supposedly “saving up,” without discussing it with me (like happened to some girls on the bee). He should know I can’t stand lying, and I also want to feel he put some effort in because I’m important to him (that’s what I’d do for him).

    – he would have gone into debt for the ring, or spent money on it that he needs for essentials, because he should know that I would be against that. Practical matters always come first.

    The budget could be anything. If that would mean my budget gets me a simple 10k gold band…heck, a simple steel band even, so be it, I find elegance to that and it’s “me.” If we were so poor we could not afford rings to get married, that would have been ok. I’m sure in that case we’d just do the paperwork and we’d DIY something meaningful to remember the occassion with whatever we had. And it would be just as meaningful as if I had Duchess Kate’s wedding budget.

    So basically, there is no budget that is not “me,” but it could have been “not me” for other reasons.

    But whatever we would do, it would need to represent both of our personalities and values (I’d also never want him to get something he hated, either).

    Post # 72
    9816 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    View original reply
    @claireos:  Agreed. Threads like this always try to play dumb “Oh geeeeee, am I the only one who doesn’t want a 3 carat diamond?”

    I hate the attitude that women are horrible materialistic whores if they happen to want a nice piece of jewelry.

    Post # 73
    2116 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I’m sorry, but if Fiance had gotten me a certain style or cut that I REALLY hated, I would have spoken up. It’s not about the money for me…….it’s about not wanting to wear something I really hate :

    Post # 74
    194 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    View original reply
    @RayKay:  Very well said about the “being gracious” part.

    OP, I really don’t think you meant it to sound this way, but to me saying that we should all just be gracious that our men proposed sounds VERY negative. Almost as if we were all just pining for someone to propose and finally one did. Last I checked, I had to agree to marry him. It isn’t as if he just put a ring on my finger and said “There, now you’re going to marry me.”

    I’m a little off-put by the way you worded your OP, as if you were insinuating that women who picked out their rings are materialistic. Fiance and I picked out my ring together. It doesn’t matter WHAT it is, Fiance and I NEVER make a large purchase without the other’s consent. From our house, to our cars, to our furniture, to our computers, to my ring. We discuss our budget and find something that will work for the two of us. There is a tasteful way to state that your ring doesn’t suit you, just as there are less-tasteful ways.

    General statements like this usually are insulting. Just think if I were to say “People who comment about others being materialistic are just jealous that they don’t have the things that the ‘materialistic’ girls have.” (<—- NOT saying this, just trying to put it into perspective. I certainly DO NOT feel this way AT ALL!)

    Post # 75
    2892 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    @KatyElle:  exactly. This one is particularly insulting because it not only screams what you just said but it hides behind the guise of a “moral and cultural” discussion. Good to know some stranger out there thinks I’m capable of loving my husband but incapable of resisting blind materialism. Oh, because I’m American. Its my culture. And my socioeconomic status. I can’t help it.

    Post # 76
    3148 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2010

    my ring is quite inexpensive compared to what we could afford. I did ask for a small diamond but I wasn’t specific. so he did basically get what I asked for. that said, I was hoping to get something a little bit bigger than what he chose. however, I love it so much! I’ve had it for three years now and I still catch myself gazing proudly at it. 

    however… I really like variety, so one day (years from now) I might ask for a moissanite ring with a bigger/differently cut stone so I can switch it up every now and then. it will probably end up costing 1/2 what my current ring did, so how much the ring is worth is not the issue. we can afford it and he honestly doesn’t care anyway.  he might change his ring one day too.

    so, I won’t be replacing my ring, just collecting them!

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