Marriage Advice

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
3730 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

My husband and I didn’t live together before we were married either. We had been dating for 6 years on our wedding day, so there were no big surprises. The biggest piece of advice would be to attend some sort of premarital counseling if you haven’t had any “big issue” talks yet. It’s not a must, but it’s comforting knowing you have everything on the table. The counselor is more of a mediator in making sure that you’ve talked about all the major issues that come up in a marriage from kids, finances, etc. I would also highly recommend deciding a head of time who will be primarily taking care of certain chores in the house. That’s not to say you can’t help each other out, but it might save arguments down the line. 

Post # 3
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

The first year will be a lot of getting used to one another. It will be great but there may be minor hiccups too. Just remember to be patient  with one another.

My SO needs decompressing time after a tough day. In the beginning, I took that to mean he did not want to spend time with me. All this to say we just had to figure out what each one needed. As long as communication is there, all will be fine :). 

Post # 4
Member
1034 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Darling Husband and I didn’t live together before marriage either. My biggest advice would be not to panic if there’s a lot of arguing in the beginning. We shared a small 1-bedroom apartment before we bought our house and argued a lot, mostly over stupid things, because we were always in each other’s faces in such a small space. No matter how well you get along and how much you love each other, it’s a big adjustment! Go out for a walk if you need space, don’t be afraid to take time for yourself, but if you’re anything like us, you’ll still want to be together 24/7 even if you argue every once in a while! (Also, don’t let people push their opinions on you about not living together. I had my fair share of unsolicited advice and we’re happy, in love, parents to a beautiful little boy, and talking about TTC again. Everyone’s love story is different.)

Post # 5
Member
2021 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My husband and I dated for 4yrs before Getting married and we chose not to live with each other as well. I wouldn’t change a thing. It makes marriage more exciting (in the beginning at least lol) as I don’t see see what would really change if you were already living together?? Enjoy!

Post # 6
Member
1815 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

So much advice to give! Where to start?

Sex – keep it up! Lots of men complain sex drops off after marriage. Except when I had the baby, we’ve had sex at least a few times a week. It’s an important way to communicate your love. Make time for each other – don’t let everything (kids, work, chores) come before your relationship.

Make sure you have similar financial goals. If he’s a big spender, always living on credit, and you save every penny and would never use a credit card, then you’ll always be arguing. My Darling Husband and I are very different politically – but at least financially we agree 100% (we both would never use credit and never go into debt).

Men tend to approach issues differently than women. I used to come home and complain about work or traffic, and my husband would get frustrated with me. I couldn’t figure out why. One day after venting, and him getting all upset, I asked what was wrong. He said ‘you come to me with all these problems but I can’t help you solve them.’  It was then I realized men will talk about a problem if they want help solving it, but women talk just to vent feelings. So I learned to say ‘it’s ok – I don’t need your help. I’m just complaining to vent.’  It helped us understand each other a lot better. 

Tell him you appreciate it when he does things for you. This morning my hubby got up before me, ground fresh coffee beans, and had hot coffee ready when I got up. I gave him a hug and told him I appreciated it. I really do appreciate having hot coffee ready when I come downstairs – I want him to know his efforts are noticed 

Never go to bed angry. Always give him a hug and kiss goodbye when he leaves – you never know if this will be the last time you get the chance (my dad died at age 43 – so I’m always very aware that death isn’t just for the elderly – sorry if that’s too morbid!) 

For that reason I never let him work over 40 hours a week. We have a friend who works 80+ hours a week, and wants to retire at 55. He might not make it to 55 the way he’s so stressed out. He’s never home, his wife and daughters don’t know him – they go on family vacations without him. He works like crazy to pay for a million dollar home he rarely sees. By the time he retires his wife and kids will barely know who he is. We don’t have the million dollar house, but we see my Darling Husband at least a few hours each day – and that’s priceless  

We got married at age 22 – both in university – and not a penny between us. We’ve been through a lot of highs and lows together (including me nearly dying 15 years ago). We’ve been married almost 26 years – and I love him more every day

Post # 7
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Darling Husband and I lived together for about six months before the wedding. We had been together for about four and a half years at the time we moved in together. I was in a different city for college for four years so we lived long distance seeing each other about once a month during  that time. I wish we would have been able to afford pre marital counseling. We have a hard time maturely taking through disagreements, though we both recoginze this and have been working on getting better at it. We have now been together for just over seven years.

If I had any advice to give, it would be to go ahead and do couples therapy eeven if there are no big issues in your relationship now. It may allow you both to have the necessary tools to work through disagreements maturely and respectfully. 

I personally felt as though our relationship didn’t change a whole lot after we got married since we had been living together for six months prior. But this six months before we got married where we were adjusting to living together and having different schedules and expectations was certainly a change of pace.

Post # 8
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

bquakkel :  I think my husband and I have a great relationship. Some things that seem to work for us:

-Think about each other and do little things. Cook a nice dinner, buy a little gift, send an email or text, get each other a glass of water (or wine!)

-Have date nights. find time during the week to go out for dinner, go to a movie, a gig, have a picnic, go for walks together.

-Hold onto your independence. You don’t have to be glued together. Yes, do a lot of things together, but maintain your own interests and have ‘you’ time. My husband and I always give each other space right after work as well, just to decompress. I am fine if Darling Husband wants to go out with friends when it doesn’t involve me, and I either enjoy time with my other friends or at home with our dog. If he wants to cut loose sometimes, that’s ok.

-Say thank you/let your partner know what you appreciate about them and what they do.

-Don’t nag or assume a “Mum” role with your husband.

-Talk when things are good, talk when something bothers you.

-Don’t stew or harbour grudges. Don’t keep score. Don’t expect him to grovel or buy you something whenever you have a fight or say he’s “in trouble” in these situations. You are partners, not Mum and child.

-Have fun together. Try new things. This could be traveling to a place you want to go, playing in a band together (my Darling Husband and I do this!), cooking together, learning something, etc.

-Remember that you will both change and evolve.

Hope this helps!

Post # 9
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

bquakkel :  Not married yet but living together. The best advice I can give is, don’t assume something is obvious or “should be known”. When you feel yourself getting angry and frustrated, ask yourself why and then communicate it asap. Don’t ignore it because the other person is busy – get it sorted right that moment if you can. That gives the other person a chance to fix things before they become an issue.

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