(Closed) Marriage Advice

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
1164 posts
Bumble bee

TunaCat29:  I’m in a similar position,  FI is surrounded by happy marriages whereas I’m surrounded by divorces.  I feel a surprising amount of pressure not to be the weak link that ruins his family’s run of successful marriages just because o don’t have any idea what to do! I’m definitely interested in seeing the advice you get.

Anyways,  I’ve been asking around as well. 2 couples said it’s important to have shared goals and be working towards them together whether that be children or a particular lifestyle or whatever.  

My Future Sister-In-Law though said the thing that helped me stop worrying the most which was that I have good long term relationships with my siblings and friends so I obviously do have some of the skills required to make long term relationships last and I’m not going in to it as unequipped as I think I am.

Post # 3
800 posts
Busy bee

TunaCat29:  best advice I’ve ever heard came from my mom: never threaten anything you won’t follow through with. A little dark but actually pretty excellent advice. 

Post # 4
14494 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Something that works for us:

There are no permissives only a mutual respect. I don’t need to get permission to do anything but there are things that I check in with out of respect for my partner. 

Post # 5
6175 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

Always make time to share as a couple, which is easier said than done.  Daily responsibilities, especially while raising children, can drain you and most of the time it is the couple relationship what suffers the most, and I’m not talking about just the sex life.  How we did it?  We shared chores with the kids to have alone time after putting them to bed, went out on dates every 1-2 weeks, and made a point of not letting external issues affect our bond.  We are each other’s best friend and always seek to have fun together, we goof a lot.  We entered our relationship committed to make it work, and we both come from dysfunctional families, but made the conscious decision of being different.

Mutual respect, committment, and teamwork must be present, along with a strong desire to make the other half happy.  Today our children are 24 and 21 and Darling Husband and I share an incredible amount of time together, just the two of us.  There is no one I would rather spend my days with.

Post # 6
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

TunaCat29:  First read any and all books by John Gottman. Seriously use that stuff every day and my marriage has not just survived but thrived after 3.5 years of TTC (1 MC, 5 IUIs and 2 IVFs, now moving to Egg Donor), Father-In-Law living with us, my unemployment for over a year, him falling off the wagon (and getting back on) and Father-In-Law getting really sick and being hospitalized for almost a week. So yeah, lots of stress…

So the things I’ve learned from John Gottman’s books– 75% of your problems will never be resolved. What you are fighting about today, you’ll be fighting about 20 years from now. Only thing you can do is accept it or negotiate something that works for both of you. To fight until it is “resolved” just destroys the marriage.

Accept that person for exactly who they are. The core of who they are will stay the same. So it drives me crazy that Darling Husband hates waiting for restaurants or large crowds. But I’ve accept that is who he is. I do my best not to put him in situations like that, but he also does his best to deal with it when we are. 

It takes 5 good things (I’ve heard as low as 3 good things) for every 1 bad thing to keep a marriage in good standing. But those 5 good things are so easy to do if you make it part of your routine. I thank Darling Husband for everything he does around the house (even though it’s his ‘job’), I thank him for going to work (not all the time, but occasionally), I hug him when we pass in the kitchen, when we do some chore together point out what a great team we are, we say I Love You all the time, tell him he’s sexy (even though he has a middle age body, I still find him sexy and I tell him)–I show him gratitude every moment I can. Dr. Gottman calls it the Love Bank. The more deposits you put in, the more cushion you will have when things get tough. 

Be kind to each other. When he does something that can either be interpreted as having some evil intent or just being careless, alway pick the kindest interpretation until you have strong evidence otherwise.

Learn about Gottman’s 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse. Don’t do any of those things–ever!

He doesn’t say this outright, but what I’ve taken from it and from looking at all marriages around me is it’s more important to RESPECT your partner than LOVE him. Love is a feeling that comes a goes. Love is easy. I’ve loved men that were bad for me or I didn’t respect. But respect is the basis for all good relationships. If you don’t respect each other, the love dies. If you are at a place where the love is low, as long as you have respect, the love can grow back. But once you lose the respect, nothing can grow. 

Relationships shouldn’t be hard work, but they do take effort. Put the effort in the small ways of being kind and showing gratititude (using their Love Language) and your marriage should be just fine.


Post # 7
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I should add, make sure you are marrying someone who you respect and who makes life decisions that you respect. So many people I know end up with people that when they look back on it, they just didn’t respect OR could see now that the way they were or how they thought or the type of decisions they make would eventually make them not respect them. 

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