(Closed) Marriage and children without family

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Well, I have a little bit of experience with this.  I have an excellent relationship with my family, and my husband does as well (although he is not fond of my father at all)

However, my husband does not have a relationship with his mother, and he keeps her away from me at all costs.  She is an incredibly selfish person and she is manipulative and underhanded.  For example, at one of her son’s weddings, her first comment to her new daughter-in-laws parents was “So, does your family have any history of mental illness?”

She sends my husband nasty text messages followed by ones where she professes her love for him.  It is plain STRANGE.  She asked for my phone number at a family function and my husband stepped in and refused.  

It does strain my relationship with my MILs parents though, who don’t see all her bad behavior and just think her kids and daughters/sons in law are just plain rude and disrespectful (they all keep her at this same distance).

However, we manage to have a wonderful marriage despite that.  We still attend family functions, going in with a gameplan for if things go wrong (and boy, do they go wrong) but the important part is that we stick together and we always have eachothers backs. 

I think that having a wonderful support system is helpful, but I think that paramount to that is the strength the two of you derive from your marriage to eachother.

I don’t know if that is what you were looking for, but I hope it helps!  Just remember, we don’t get to pick our family, but we do get to pick our friends!  In some cases, the latter is healthier than the former!

ETA:  My husband also refuses to allow my Mother-In-Law to babysit the children.  Period.  She once (in an arguement) said to him “Don’t you want me to have a relationship with your daughters?” to which he responded “Hell no”.  My sister-in-law (the only other one of us who has kids) also does not let her watch the kids alone.  She just can’t be trusted, plain and simple.

Post # 4
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I don’t really agree with that. I think if there is a toxic relationship, that isn’t good for any marriage or family. My Mother-In-Law actually quit speaking to Darling Husband when she found out we were pregnant because she “wasn’t ready to be a Grandma”, say our child 3 times the first year of her life (they live an hour away), and actually has said the meanest things I have ever heard a parent say when my Darling Husband told her he wanted her to be more involved.

Given how she treats her kids I am cautious with our children. I wouldn’t want them to ever feel bad about the things she says or does. So at this point we see her at Christmas and maybe one or 2 other times a year and that is it. When we are around her I bring things for the kids to do so honestly their interactions are pretty limited.

 

Post # 4
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

The reason that that is true is because social support networks predict happiness in your personal life, and that predicts happiness in your marriage (i.e., having a place to vent, get advice, and help remembering why you love your husband even if he’s done something lame today). You can do that just fine with any strong social support network–friends, family, church group, etc.

Post # 5
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@ieatunicorns:  Gah, that’s brutal!  Not ready to be a Grandma?!  Geeze, she needs to get over herself!

Post # 8
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

@bearlove:  I do agree that having a support system is important, especially if the family unit isn’t strong or close.

Post # 9
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

@SimplyChic11:  We are really close with my family and Darling Husband dad’s side (divorced family). They honestly don’t know they are missing out on anything and I think that is why I do keep distance. As long as they don’t expect much from her, they won’t be disapointed.

Post # 10
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

My husband comes from a VERY abusive family and he keeps very little contact with them. We’re having a baby this summer and have already agreed that his family will have no part in our children’s lives. Although I understand that this type of relationship can put a lot of stress on a relationship, I believe as long as you’re on the same page it can work out. We’ve been dating since High School and I’ve helped him realize that that’s not how family treats each other. We are so happy together and get along so well. Since we’ve both moved 6 hours away from them our lives are blissfull and drama free. I know a lot of women that think that a family like his would be a deal breaker, but I married him…not his family.

Post # 13
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@SimplyChic11:  OMG, maybe we have Mother-In-Law twins.  She will send my husband a text like “I love you, I am so grateful to have you in my life” and then ten minutes later says “I am so glad you’re not a failure in life.  I was so worried”  !!!!!!!!!!

Post # 15
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@SimplyChic11:  I think Dr. Phils advice is sound!  I’m sorry that your in-laws seem to be jerks.  I learned a long time ago just to let it be.  There was a part of me that wanted to know what the heck happened for everyone to hate my Mother-In-Law so much, but it comes together in bits and pieces on its own.  As long as you and your husband stick together, you’ll be fine!  That first one is key – NO DIVIDED LOYALTIES!  Get a game plan and stick to it!

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