- Mrs. Puffin
- 8 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
@Mrs. Puffin: I can understand this way of thinking. I guess it never really applied to me because I never really had much aspiration to do things without SO. We have our own bucket list we’ve done together…like go on a cruise! We took our first one last July 🙂
I think learning to live on your own is important though. I am really thankful for the time I lived alone before SO and I moved in together. It taught me a lot about myself and how to be succesful on my own two feet.
My line of thinking is: What can you do now that you can’t do whilst married? Living alone, that one I get. But a vacation with friends you could still do after marriage. Travel, extreme sports, schooling – all things you can experience together.
I’d be interested to read what others come up with.
Yeah, I’m married here and I didn’t have one of those lists that I thought of while I was engaged.
There’s things like places I want to see, but those can all be done with my husband.
My husband have been together for almost 10 years now, but there was a time about 5 years ago, that we had a break for about 9 months. I did some things I wanted to do as a single person, that was good. But that was way before I decided that my husband was someone I wanted to be with forever.
I don’t know, I feel like I can still do whatever I wanted to do before. I can still go on vacation with friends, and it’s pretty normal for us to plan a girl’s weekend.
I like my life better married to him, there with me. There’s nothing that I’d like to go back to being single for.
I can see exactly what y’all are talking about. I guess it’s that, he’s 26 and I’m 19. So, he’s had a chance to live a little and find himself on his own more. At this point, if I were to say an ideal timeline, in all honesty it’d be we get married when I’m 23 or 24. However, he’s training to be a cop, so his life is going to be on the line every day. So for the sake of no regrets if God forbid something were to happen to him, I want to push the timeline a little. So I just don’t want to wind up feeling resentful for not experiencing unmarried life a little, y’know? The plan as it stands is to get married when I’m 21, so I think I’ll have had some essential experiences and all. I’m just trying to figure out what are some essential experiences before getting married.
Does that make sense? It’s not that I think marriage will hinder my independence, it just feels like there’s things I should do before it.
Why can’t you go on vacation with your friends when you are married?? Taking time to be with friends outside of your marriage is really important to the health of your relationship.
Pretty much the only thing you can’t do when married is live by yourself, and even then, there are exceptions (military wives who have spouses deployed for long periods, long distance relationships, etc).
If you make it a priority in your life to always have adventures and new experiences – both with and without your husband – you don’t need to view marriage as an “end” to freedom. My husband and I travel the world together, take classes together, and have great adventures with our friends together and apart.
@Mrs. Puffin: I think the most important thing here is not that you’re looking for things to do before you get married, but that you’ve pinpointed that you’re not really ready for it. Like Crayfish said, the only thing that’s “bucket list-ish” that you can’t do in a marriage is live apart. Girlfriends vacation? Perfectly fine in a marriage. Taking a vacation by yourself? Fine.
My question is, what is it that you’re REALLY looking to do? Are you just looking for more freedom or looking at experiencing more of the dating world before you’re ready to settle down with one man? Because those are really the two things you CANT do once you’re married; you can’t withdraw suddenly and you can’t commit infidelity. Everything else is fair game 🙂
No, no, no; It’s not that I think I’ll have no personal life once I’m married or that I’m not ready to commit to one man, I definitely have no desire to date around more, and it’s not that he’ll restrict my freedom. He actually encourages me to hang out with friends more and because of him I’ve developed a better balanced life. I think people are reading me wrong. I’m not sure how to explain what I’m thinking, but I’ll try. I guess it’s that he’s had a life before me that he can tell our kids about, and it’s like because he’s had that life and those experiences, he knows himself inside and out before we get married. I still feel like I’m finding myself, and I feel like a lot of new experiences on my own will help me find myself. And while yes, I know I can have a lot of the same experiences while I’m married, it’s for a different purpose. While I’m married it’s just healthy and I’m having my own life; when we’re not married, it’s me having my own life so I’ll have more of myself to share with him when we are married.
Does that make sense? I’m not sure if I’m phrasing this all the right way.
I think you can do all of the things you have mentioned (and most other things I can think of since you sound like you don’t want “freedom” in the relationship department!) while you’re married. The living on your own thing I can totally see…but it sounds like you’ve already done that!
I think it’s good that you don’t want to get married until you’re ready, but if I was your SO I would probably be looking for a concrete idea of what exactly you are looking to accomplish first. Maybe that’s why you’re here. I know that if my SO told me he wanted to accomplish some things but didn’t know what they were, or they were things he could still do while married, I might think something else was up!
Interesting question. Like most others, I do not have a list of things I want to do or have wanted to do while dating my SO but before are married. I have accomplishments that I’m proud that I did on my own (graduate college, land an awesome job and become a fancy business lady, buy my first house, etc) but I could have done all while married. HOWEVER–there are things that I’m very glad that I did while I was single and in my early 20s: go on lots of dates, stay out late at parties, enjoy the “bar scene,” etc. I feel that if I did not experience that young-20s-and-single thing, that I would have missed out on something.
I think that you’re explaining it perfectly fine. I think it’s hard for a lot of us to think of things to do (single) because the majority of us think that you can still experience life while married (As I’m sure you do as well).
For the sake of giving some ideas, here are some things that I might put on a bucket list.
1. Work for some sort of place that allows you to travel. Like the Disney college programs, or working for a cruise line. I probably wouldn’t do these now because spending that much time apart from SO would make me very sad.
2. Decorate my apartment/house as girly as possible.
3. Find a hobby and really persue it. Find a class that offers something you love to do (cooking, art, pottery, quilting, scrapbooking, etc) and make it a priority for you. My hobby turned into my job and now I feel hobbyless. I think it would be nice to find some hobbies.
4. Do something that completely terrifies you without anyone’s help. I remember being so freaked out the first time I did my taxes…I had no clue how to do them, what they were really, or what I needed. I figured it out…and it was easy, but I felt really proud of myself and sometimes use that as an anchor to remind me that sometimes things that I think are scary are only scary because I’ve never done them.
Again, none of these are things you couldn’t do if you were engaged/married, but maybe they are just easier to do when you’re not.
@Mrs. Puffin: I think I get what your saying and I have a completely different approach for you. My brother was married for barely a year before he and his wife split. They were together from ages 20 to 29. He didn’t go away for school really, never lived on his own or move out of my parents house or did any of the things that I did to where I am comfortable in my relationship. See, I went away for school and partied and dated the whole time. I had my own apartment and lived on my own for a good year and a half. I moved in with a friend after college graduation and we lived together for over 3 years. I haven’t spent more than 3 weeks sleeping at my parents house since I was 21. I’ll be 27 in June. FH and I just bought are first house, we lived together for the last 2 years and we have a dog.
I think you’re looking for things to “get out of your system” before you can feel like you’re ready to be a wife. For me, I had to learn to live alone (which I LOVED) and manage a place & finances. I dated around and learned what I truly wanted in my partner and how I enjoy our sex life. Do I have any regrets? Yes, just one. Would I go back in time and change things? Never. I am an absolute firm believer in fate and if I had done things the way I wanted, I may never have met my husband-to-be. Do I think that if my brother had done things a bit different, he wouldn’t be divorced right now? Maybe. He didn’t “grow up” enough to be married and he wasn’t ready to be a husband and he couldn’t admit that until it was way to late.
Everyone is different and you shouldn’t have a “bucket list” simply because you think you’re going to miss out on things. That would have a more damaging affect on your relationship. I think you’re afraid of resenting him for keeping your from doing what you want, but he wont. The right man will respect and appreciate your independence and encourage you to do what will make you happy. If you think you’re “grown up” enough to be married than get married. My parents were 20 when they married and they’re on year 31 together. One thing though… and people may disagree… hang out with “married” folk more than your single friends. That will help you feel like you aren’t missing out on anything. You’re single friends are just jealous and sometimes a bad influence.
@Everdeen: I was going to say the same thing. I have a friend who was married (divorced now for various reasons, but it’s the one marriage that I really thought would be how I’d want to be) and her and her husband had a vacation together every year and then she had her vacation with friends. No reason you can’t do that. It’s actually healthy…
I’m beginning to understand what you mean now. Most of your life has had your SO involved and whilst that’s great and you love him, you want to be able to say that you did this or that before you married him, just like he can say the same.
You don’t want your kids, or anyone else, to look at you as though you never had a life outside your SO.
The way I see it you can tackle the problem in two different ways: Stop thinking about it as only doing things with your SO and start thinking about how lucky you are to have found him so early and therefore, you can do so many things with him that others can’t. You have the opportunity to experience so many things together and grow together from those things. Traveling, moving, extreme sports. Those you have met their SO later in life, after having travelled to…Africa, will probably not be able to do that with their SO (they’d go somewhere else/the trip would never be exactly the same). Their SO missed out on that part of their life, they can never get that back.
You could plan a trip for yourself/with some friends. Not a relaxing vacation, one where you plan on cramming as many experiences into it as possible. Take a bar tending course, stay out all night, go sky diving – do as many things as possible. And have those experiences without your SO.
I hope that helps even a little.
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