(Closed) Marriage can be lonely

posted 5 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

This part” It’s the unspoken ones that do damage: arguments you don’t start, frustrations that fester into resentments. They sit between us like a dead animal, and prompt private worries: Maybe we don’t see eye-to-eye any more; maybe he’s hiding something; maybe I was wrong to trust my life to this man.”

Is wrong. This is all wrong. This shit happens in high school relationships and has no place in a marriage.
I think the woman who wrote this married young or at least wasn’t mature enough or perhaps she wasn’t in very many long term (like 3yrs plus) relationships to realize this kind of damage happens… yes it can happen but I believe this kind of stuff should be actively avoided and consciously worked on from the beginning of a relationship so it doesn’t happen later in the marriage…

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  mrstseluyu.
Post # 4
Member
239 posts
Helper bee

Everyone has problems, maried or dating. This doesn’t sound like a happy marriage

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  FoxFace.
Post # 5
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
futurebrideesq:  right like I was in a 5 yr relationship with my ex before I met my husband. Those were the things that ruined us..and that he cheated. 

My husband had the same issues with his ex.

So when we started dating we actively avoided and consciously worked on it from the beginning so this wouldnt happen and didnt affect our marriage 

Post # 6
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

View original reply
mrstseluyu:  This +1,000,000.

 The marriage described in the article DOES sound lonely. But that does not mean all marriage is like that. Far from it. It is sad that the author (and her therapist it seems is complicit in this) assumes that ALL couples wonder sometimes if they are in a “sham” or wrong to trust their partner, and so stays complacent with her status quo. They are strangers because they drifted apart, or because they choose to keep themselves as strangers to each other. I don’t know, but I know what she describes as a rule…isn’t.

I’ve been married less time than her, 6 years, but to me, well, our marriage is not “work” but it does involve effort. Effort to stay connected, to share intimacies, to not become complacent, to continue to share our true selves with each other, to turn to each other not away, to be honest and open with each other even when we feel tired and like we just need a nap. There is no one I feel knows me better, knows my true self better, than my husband, and vice versa. I’m an existentialist who believes ultimately we are always “alone”, but my husband and I are happy being “alone together”. And that is not lonely at all.

This line is just…depressing: “How it seems safer to start over with someone else rather than face the loneliness that a life in marriage inevitably presents

Post # 7
Member
3534 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

We’ve been married just shy of 3 months, so I may not be the best to ask (although we did live together a year and a half before marriage), but no, I have never felt like this with DH.  The times that we aren’t able to talk or hang out much because life is so crazy, I don’t feel less connected from him.  Ever.  We are a team and I know we always have each other’s backs in whatever we are doing.

I’ll admit there have been little flashes here or there where I miss the rush of a new relationship; the straight endorphines that enter your system when you are getting to know someone new for the first time.  But, I would never ever trade what I have now with DH for something exciting and new.  The relationship we have is what we both always dreamed about but never thought we would find.

Post # 8
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I may be naive since I haven’t been married long, but honestly I think this women is lonely in her own marriage. I definitely do not believe all marriage is like that. Honestly it was painful to read.

Post # 9
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee

I think the one of her main points- that marriage doesn’t always equal a picture perfect relationship- is true. But I would have to say her feelings and experiences in general surrounding marriage do not reflect mine. That being said, they also have children which changes things.

But like other bees have said, her relationship does not seem super healthy or happy and it seems as if she’s just assuming that’s what marriage is and it’s true of every other couple.

And did I read correctly that she was also involved with a guy who was a,ready in a committed relationship ready to propose, but was ready to leave his partner for the author if she wanted? Uh….

Post # 10
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I cannot resonate with this woman at all. My husband and I talk frequently about how crazy we think it is that we can get home from work spend 5 hours together, make a meal together, clean up, laugh, etc. 7 days a week and we don’t get tired of each other. I mean we disagree on things and we argue but I never feel lonely. I don’t think I would recommend many take this article to heart because she doesn’t sound happy, she sounds like she would rather be single without having to try and “make it work” with her husband. 

Post # 11
Member
7518 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

The author of that article sounds insufferable. Especially the line about losing respect for the almost-engaged man she was having an affair with because “I knew then the fact that I liked myself, that I could withstand going to a restaurant and a movie alone, tuck myself in with a bath and a good book, was a great power, and I lost respect for him.” I like being alone too, but other people are more extroverted and hate it–that doesn’t make me a better or stronger person than them.

TBH sounds like this lady is in an unhappy marriage and is trying to comfort herself by imaging the rest of the world is similarly lonely and miserable in their marriages. I’m sure at times a marriage can feel lonely, and there are rough patches, but shit. Hers sounds grim.

Post # 12
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

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futurebrideesq:  Yikes. There’s so much in this article–the anecdote of her fucking around with an engaged man, “The unpleasant feelings of loneliness do not go away when you are married”, that dead animal metaphor a PP mentioned–that just points to the author holding a pattern of unhealthy behavior and expectations that are no one’s problem but her own. I’m not married but this is not the universal malaise she’s trying to paint it as. I feel sorry for her that she has to convince herself that total strangers are as quietly miserable as she is.

Post # 13
Member
983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

It strikes me that she has a pretty high degree of insecurity

 I can’t really relate to her version of marriage but  i’m trying to understand what she’s writing about. I can think of one moment when I felt a kind of loneliness.  It was after we had gotten engaged, we had a fight and it seemed like our communication was just off. It was the end of a long week and I remember though I loved him, though I had a ring on my finger, though we were planning our wedding, I had a quiet sort of scary moment where I thought ‘are we going to be enough for each other for the rest of our lives’. It was kind of lonely because its the type of thing you never want to admit to wondering, especially once you’ve already committed. Ultimately I knew the life I wanted was the one where I begin and end each day with him and I trusted us enough to lean in and grow together.  That’s really the only type of crushing loneliness I felt. Sometimes I feel lonely when our schedules keep us apart for a while but we make up for it by carving out time for phone calls, driving 20 mins for a quick hug and a kiss before our schedules get us on the road again, etc. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  Jellybones.
Post # 14
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

 

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tiffanybruiser:  I actually thought that was one of the only good parts – she realized that she could be happy alone, whereas her “friend” was going to propose to his girlfriend because he couldn’t stand being along.  I think it’s good to be able to stand on your own.

Post # 15
Member
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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futurebrideesq:  I can’t relate at all. She might it have a great marriage and she shouldnt generalize.

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