Marriage crossroads – advice needed!

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
2038 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

It seems like you went into marriage hoping things would change but they haven’t which means this is who your husband is. You can’t marry the person you hope to be with. You marry the person for who they are before marriage. I would say it would be the worst possible thing to have another child when you are feeling like this already. Having another will make it worse and you two aren’t on the same page about it so that’s  a huge no. You’re already in therapy and have been your entire relationship? It sounds pretty unstable. I don’t know if I really have any advice because I wouldn’t have stayed and got married when I knew what I was getting myself into but that isn’t helpful to you right now. Have you tried therapy by yourself? Maybe that will help you put your relationship and feelings into a more clear perspective aside from marriage counseling. 

Post # 4
Member
3253 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

You are right to put the hold on having another child right now.

But I just don’t know what advice to give about your needs being unmet. If this is an issue that has been brought up multiple times before and nothing has changed, I don’t think it is realistic to expect that they ever will. So, your choices are a) accept that romance is not part of your relationship, or b) ask your husband to separate, at least temporarily, and potentially finalize a divorce later on down the road when you’ve determined whether you want to make the marriage work as it is or walk away and start fresh. If you do choose to separate and/or divorce, I hope that you are able to do so in a way that is civil and prioritizes your shared responsibility to your daughter. You say that he is a good man who takes good care of his family, so hopefully that means he would not be vindictive or acrimonious in the divorce.

Post # 5
Member
331 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
anon1805467 :  If it seems easy and effortless to you, when you are with someone you love, why don’t YOU change? Your DH wants a boat truck etc. Surely if you love your DH and your brain is “wired that way” you could sacrifice your wanting 2-3 children? It is important to him so surely you would change eventually why not? 

Now does that seem easy and effortless to you?

 

Post # 7
Member
2038 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
malayna :  All of this. 

OP you think your relationship is stable but what you’ve shared here says otherwise. Most healthy relationships do not require therapy for the entire duration. You went in expecting your husband to change who he is and he didn’t and now you have a problem with it. If you think it’s better to have a child just because you want one closer in age that’s  a huge issue and big red flag. You seem to think it’s okay to make bad decisions even having information prior to them. You got married hoping your husband would change and now you want a kid just because you’re going to be 30 yet you’re at a crossroads in your marriage.  Do you not see how unfair that is to your child, marriage, and your husband who does NOT want another? I can see you getting pregnant accidentally on purpose and then hoping your husband will want that child and accept it. This is beyond unfair to him and it’s not going to help your needs get met. I can guarantee you he will be more distant having to now take care of you and two kids and not have anything he wants. You clearly have some deep rooted issues that don’t only stem from your husband. You need to get some serious help because it doesn’t seem your current therapist is helping you see reality or you’re not being honest with your issues and your therapist can’t truly help you. And since you love him you should just be able to accept him how he is. Shouldn’t be that hard if you LOVE him. Also, let him get his boat!

Post # 9
Member
2200 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
anon1805467 :  It’s extremely unfair to marry a person expecting them to change. He was like that before you married him. It’s unrealistic to expect him to be someone he was not. 

Post # 12
Member
2079 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Honestly, it feels like one of you is not quite being honest with the other.  There’s a reason he doesn’t put in extra effort bee.  A reason he “forgets”.  There should be no reason to be in therapy for nearly your entire marriage and not have any progression in behavior of BOTH parties.  He’s not being forthcoming because he’s afraid of what that will mean.

You don’t prioritize what you don’t cherish.  Deep down you know this bee.

Post # 15
Member
2079 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

View original reply
anon1805467 :  So are you ready to call BS when he spouts his old excuses and push for total honesty?  Are you really ready to hear his truth….what ever that means or the consequences that may bring?  I guess I want you to really be prepared to deal with hearing things you might not want to hear.  You may also be forced to make a decision for you both since he seems to be paralyzed in his emotions.

Oh and btw, for him….. baby=no boat.  

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