(Closed) Marriage – Deceiving me and no trust?

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: What should I do?

    Get a divorce, this is never going to work

    That's a simple problem, help him quit

    Calm down, let him smoke

    Other

  • Post # 16
    Member
    30 posts
    Newbee

    Being an ex smoker, I understand the addiction to cigarettes. I do not think this is something to divorce him over, the lying comes with the addiction (though on a smaller scale than with say, alcohol or drugs.)

    My boyfriend and I started vaping to get away from the cigarettes and when I slipped and told him about it he FREAKED OUT. I’m glad I did though, because it helped me to commit to vaping and fully quit smoking.

    Maybe being there for him to come to (and not freak out lol) and helping him find a quit method that works for him will be better than getting angry at him. Smoking is extremely hard to quit. I feel for the guy. 

    Post # 17
    Member
    948 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    qtrfan:  yes, it is not heroine. But he knew she didn’t want to marry a smoker. I would not have married a smoker; if you lack that type of love and respect for your body and future, that shows you gave disregard for yourself, your significant other/children and future together

     

    Post # 18
    Member
    769 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I clicked on this post expecting to read of some terrible deception and a web of lies.

    instead I read of beanie hats, cigarettes and lighter 

     

    get a grip

    Post # 19
    Member
    427 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I would be upset about the lying, and would be angry that his whole family knows he smokes behind my back. Actually, I think I’d be embarrassed that I was the only one who didn’t know. But your husband has an addiction. I’ve never been a smoker, but I struggled with bulimia for years. It was an addiction for me. And believe me, even knowing how harmful it was to my health, I just couldn’t stop. Not easily, anyway. Long story short, I have finally made a full recovery. Did my husband want someone with a severe eating disorder? No. He probably would have thought it to be a deal breaker. Did he leave me because of it? No. I was recovered before we got married, but he understood that stopping wasn’t easy for me. Make it easier for your husband to stop lying to you by losing the judgmental attitude toward his habit. Sure you wouldn’t have married him if you knew he smoked, but you’re married now. Help him and have some compassion. He’ll stop lying if he feels safe to be honest with you without the threat of divorce. 

    Post # 20
    Member
    5136 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    View original reply
    alotlikelove:  seriously? Its cigarettes. I was expecting that you found underwear or a phone number.

    Post # 21
    Member
    10286 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    View original reply
    alotlikelove:   Please let me know when you find the perfect person.

    A lie about smoking. This is something to be mad about, not something to divorce over. Give the man a break. 

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by BalletParker.
    Post # 22
    Member
    703 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    He knew it was a dealbreaker and its not up to us to decide what is or whats no so bad. To her its a big deal. I would be angry and feeling deceived and you have every right too. However you do love him, so try to calm down a little and give him a chance to do the right thing. That would be quiting. If he is not willing and keep lying you have every right and reason to divorce him. They are your values and you shouldn’t be compromizing them just because you’re married.

    Post # 23
    Member
    125 posts
    Blushing bee

    You’re nagging him and he didn’t want to deal with your wrath. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    1149 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    This is why divorce rates are so high, people are so willing to give up when things aren’t right. OP, I get that you’re upset, I would be too, but you took VOWS that you would be there for your husband. You know, for better or worse, in sickness and health? You need to fight for your marriage instead of just up and leaving. In your case, your fight is helping your husband to quit. 

    Post # 25
    Member
    229 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    View original reply
    alotlikelove:  Seriously?! The two of you have been together for 9 years, married for 1 and you’re ready to get a divorce because you found out he smokes? Not because he’s abusive or cheating, but because he smokes. Well you asked so here’s my opinion:

    Get a grip. Ideally, you would want him to not smoke, but that decision has to be his decision. Not because of or for you. Let him know you would prefer he not smoke around you or smell/taste of smoke when he’s with you, so he will have to make that accommodation.

    Believe me, once you two start talking about starting a family, and a doctor explains what second-hand smoke will do to an infant, he will make the effort to quit on his own.

    Post # 26
    Member
    499 posts
    Helper bee

    He probably lied (or hid it from you) to spare your feelings, which doesnt excuse not being truthful to you, but I can see why based on your reaction. 

    I was in your husbsnd’s position for the same reason. My fiancé has smoked in the past but has been smoke free for over 10 years. When I was in college, because of the group that I was friends with and because of where I worked, I ended up picking up a half a pack a day habit. My fiancé was not happy, at all. He voiced his concerns and left it at that but not wanting to hurt him, but still having an addiction i needed to feed, I smoked behind his back… for almost 2 years. He knew the entire time and would ask me about it, but he never threatened to break up with me because of it.  I didn’t do it out of malice or with the intention of deceiving him (which is probably what most addicts would say) but it was because I had an addiction to feed. I stopped smoking on my own accord when I felt ready to.

    Maybe it’s because he used to be a smoker so he understood what I was doing and what I was going through. But I don’t think your husband was out to hurt you in all of this. And it certainly isn’t divorce worthy. Maybe try talking to him to see why he’s doing what he’s doing and then maybe you can help him quit. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    861 posts
    Busy bee

    Ok, so he’s a social smoker when he is around his friends. He obviously isn’t a heavy smoker or you would have had suspicion s before now. It is not affecting anything in your life, he doesn’t smell like it, he doesn’t taste like an ashtray, it doesn’t affect you financially, it doesn’t change his attitude/mood/life choices.

    Honestly..yes divorce him. I say this because if you are even contemplating divorcing him over a few social cigarettes you just shouldn’t be married (to anyone) period. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    915 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    BookTea:  What are you talking about? Just because somebody smokes, does not mean they have no respect for themselves and those they love. It means they have an addiction to nicotine. My Fiance smokes and he doesn’t treat me any less than somebody who doesn’t smoke. In fact, he would bring me the moon if I asked for it And treats me better than anyone I’ve ever dated.

    Post # 29
    Member
    13787 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    Sounds like the storyline from He’s Not That Into You.  < spoiler> Jennifer Connelly plays a character who wants a divorce from husband,Bradley Cooper, not because he cheated, which she also discovers, but because he lied about quitting smoking.  

    OP, all by itself, I don’t think this is divorce worthy, but if there is a pattern of deceptive behavior, it might be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. The lying is unacceptable, and a breach of trust, however. 

    Post # 30
    Member
    1015 posts
    Bumble bee

     Everyone has their deal-breakers and this is yours. I don’t know why people are acting like it’s a tiny problem. I mean you said you wouldn’t have married him if you knew he smoked. He knew this and yet he still lied about it. It would be one thing if he admitted it but he chose otherwise. I would be furious.  

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