(Closed) Marriage – Deceiving me and no trust?

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: What should I do?

    Get a divorce, this is never going to work

    That's a simple problem, help him quit

    Calm down, let him smoke


  • Post # 46
    1237 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    So to the Bees who think OP should divorce her husband for smoking and/or lying about it, think of how difficult it is for many women to cut way down on sodas or chocolate or chips or portion size when we are trying to lose weight (I need to lose 20 pounds so I struggle with this)…I am very addicted to sugary sodas and get headaches without them.

    Now think about if your DH nags you about your food choices no matter how well intended. Think about if he threatened to leave you over your addiction to soda or chocolate. Uh sure, none of us normally honest Bees would lie.

    If OP wants her husband to be healthier, nagging and lack of accepting him for who he is is not the way to help him quit cigarettes.


    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by littlechickie.
    Post # 48
    861 posts
    Busy bee

    Ok I put she should divorce him. Not because he smokes but because if she actually believed that a few cigarettes are cause for divorce…she shouldn’t be married. 

    But she said she didn’t actually believe that. Thank god cause I thought you were nuts op.

    Really he isn’t a heavy smoker. Get him an e-cig/vap.  Believe me they work. I went from two packs a day to zero in ONE day. U can Control the amount of nicotine in them and they don’t smell. They don’t have all the tar and crap in them. He can have it for when he is with his buddies having a beer. 


    Post # 49
    94 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    This same situation has happened to me with my Fiance. He’s currently using an E-cig, but every so often a super stressful situation will hit him and he will smoke. A month ago he lied to me about it, even though I smelt in the car. I blew up at him, not because he was smoking per se (I was mad about that, because I want him to quit because I think it’s disgusting and because I want him to be healthy for each other and our kids), but because he LIED. I get where you’re coming from here. We patched things up, and this was really what has made him never want to smoke again. Lay down the law that it was the fact he LIED. That is what hurts. 

    But divorcing him over it is just as terrible as him lying to you, I think. Smoking is SO hard to give up, and anyone that starts will always have trouble truly kicking the habit. You need to support him and his effort to quit. There WILL be times he relapses and you will get mad and hurt, but it’s a journey you will have to take together. 

    Get the guy an E-cig or a vape. Go to a vape shop together and look over all the selections they have. You can also control the amount of nicotine. Start off with lots of nicotine, and slowly work him down until he’s just using the flavor. Heck, you might find a flavor you like there. (Strawberry/banana waffle cone is to die for)

    If you’re unwilling to support him in what could be the most difficult battle of his life, then by all means, leave him. 


    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by divinerose.
    Post # 50
    96 posts
    Worker bee

    View original reply
    qtrfan:  +100000

    Post # 51
    1708 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    View original reply
    alotlikelove:  oh good! I’m glad you’re not actually planning to divorce him. Work on this together, it sucks that he lied but after 9 years you know his character and clearly this isn’t who he is or you would not have married him. You guys are a team!

    Post # 52
    192 posts
    Blushing bee

    My SO has tried quitting so many times, please understand it’s an addiction and not just something you easily stop. Also everytime he tried it was his decision. I helped him by supporting him and I’d even hold onto his box to help him cut back, but it was him who asked me too. The best you can do is calmly tell him about how you care about his health, and you support him trying to quit. Then leave it be. Don’t nag, just support him, nagging will make him want to quit even less. I hardley think this is worth considering divorce.

    That said his constant lying is a problem. Speak to him about it, try to open communication. If you are supportive he won’t feel the need to lie.

    Post # 53
    4113 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Perhaps he hid this from you because of the way you’d react. I’d be more upset that my husband felt the need to hide things from me because he didn’t want to deal with my response.

    Quitting smoking is very difficult, its an addiction. Try to be supportive of him and understanding that slip ups can happen when trying to kick a habit. Honesty is important and its reasonable to be upset that your husband lied to you but, I’m a big fan of looking at my own actions in a situation and determining if I could’ve responded better..

    If your husband wants to quit smoking, supporting him and being understanding will go along way. Talking about divorce over something like this is not rational behavior, nor is it fair.


    Post # 54
    404 posts
    Helper bee

    I think there is a big gulf between instantly going for a divorce and considering it a minor problem. YOU get to decide what your deal-breakers are. Personally, smoking is a deal-breaker for me. Both of my grandparents died from smoking-related lung cancer, my parents smoked when I was young (including when I was in utero) and I have had health problems my whole life because other people smoked. At this point I don’t even want to be around smokers at all and when I met my SO I was very open and honest that smoking is not a problem I ever want to deal with in my family again. He was a casual, social smoker and it was hard for him to give it up, but he made the decision to and I supported it. I won’t make apologies for my own boundaries.

    So you need to get to the bottom of what he’s been doing, how long it’s been going on, if he wants to quit or intends to keep smoking, and then go from there. Just know that not everyone thinks smoking is a trivial thing, and you can’t “make” somebody quit. You need to decide what you can live with and what you can’t. 

    Post # 55
    819 posts
    Busy bee

    I used to be a smoker, I just recently quit (6months ago) so I understand how hard it is to reallt quit smoking. I tried a million times to quit before I actually was able to do it. I can’t blame anyone else but myself because I started smoking a chose to continue smoking. But I always get a kick out of the peoppe who are so judge mental about smoking as a whole. Unless you live the ideal lifestyle, eat only organic foods and maintain a healthy lifestyle I don’t feel anyone has the right to judge. We knowingly pack our bodies full of complete garbage daily and nobody points that out to the hoards of people eating Taco Bell or mcdonalds! 

    Support your husband as he tries to quit, just because it’s something you’ve never experienced doesn’t mean it’s easy to accomplish. as pp have stated get him an e-cig that’s whay finally helped me quit smoking. Now I don’t use those either. Baby steps

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