(Closed) marriage failing before 1 year

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I know people say this alot but … I’d go for some counseling … I’d also stop giving him access to my $$$ if i were you.  I’d run as fast as I could away from him.  Talk to your parents and your friends, make sure you have a support system set up.  I’m so sorry this is happening. 

Post # 4
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

@kk26: I know how it feels to be left within the first year. It’s very difficult. Here is my advice:

1. Tell your friends and family

It’s hard to do this, but you need their support more than you need anything else right now.

2. Protect yourself financially

If you don’t have a separate bank account, get one immediately. Move money into it, change your direct deposit to it, make sure you have what you need financially to get by. Figure out who you can ask for help if necessary. Consider freezing shared lines of credit if you anticipate that your spouse will use them to incur debt that you may be responsible for.

3. Contact a lawyer

Tell them you just want to talk about your options, and request a consultation with a family lawyer, specifically someone who specializes in divorce, if possible. They can explain your options, responsibilities and everything else you need to know from a legal standpoint. If you are not emotionally able to absorb all of this information, bring someone with you who can help you navigate these legal waters.

4. Change the locks

If your spouse has chosen to leave you, they should not have access to the home they’ve left. Call a locksmith and have your locks changed (or re-keyed – it’s cheaper). If you don’t have a local locksmith, call around for a few quotes first – reputable locksmiths will charge you a flat fee for coming to your home plus a per-cylinder fee to either re-key or replace your locks. (A cylinder is anywhere the key enters the lock.)

Similarly, if you have moved out of the house, secure any valuable or personally significant items from the house before leaving, as you may lose access to these things at a later time. Even if your spouse is currently acting to imply or even saying that the separation will be amicable, things may change and you need to protect yourself.

5. Find a therapist

Find someone who accepts your insurance and start attending sessions regularly – at least once a week, more if necessary. You will need to work through everything that is happening, and as encouraging and supportive as friends can be, they are not trained professionals, and honestly there are going to be ugly things in your heart and mind that you may not want to share with people who you are personally connected to. A therapist will help you work through all of this. Someone who specializes in marriage or grief should be a good fit.

6. Document what happened

You may need to provide proof of any infidelity, abuse, etc. at a later time when word of mouth will not do. Write down exactly what was said, by whom, with dates and (if possible) times. Be as specific as possible, and do this immediately. Resist the temptation to embellish to make your estranged spouse look worse. Include photographs when appropriate.

7. Be selfish

Take care of yourself the way you would take care of your best friend if this were happening to her. Go get a massage. Eat out if you can’t bring yourself to cook. Spend time with friends who care about you, even if it feels like you’re imposing. Sleep and eat when you can (you may find you often can’t do either). Take time off work if you need to. Take care of yourself.

Post # 5
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

Counselling, counselling, counselling.

Also, he’s into gambling, insinsts on controlling your finances, and gets belligerent when you say you’re withholding your paycheque… huge red flags.

Do you have access to statements from his account? When was the last time you saw a balance (not just him telling you). It’s only a chance, but the consquences are devastating enough that I would want to make sure he hasn’t gambled away all your money and lost it.

He may not want you seeing his bank account, but even if he’s not doing anything inappropriate with the money, it’s healthy for him to have accountability.

Post # 6
Hostess
18644 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I would seperate you money immediately so that he cannot transfer it into the joint account and consider counseling if you want to work on your relationship.  If you don’t, leave now before it gets harder.

Post # 7
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

I agree with pp’s, the point of marriage isn’t to have your husband control your money. Especially if he’s taking up gambling, I would not be ok with that!

Post # 8
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I suspect this isnt new behavior. You don’t develop these habits overnight. So with that, if he was remotely like this before you got married, your relationship was having problems then. So don’t worry about it “failing” now.

As others have said. STOP giving him control of your paycheck. Even if you have to change your direct deposit to a brand new account with only your name on it.

Lay down the law when it comes to sports. My husband comes from a sports obsessed family as well. I told him I would not be like his mom and be a sports widow. It will not be the center of our life. He watches it when its big games or we arent doing much, but it will not interfere with dinner, plans, friends or our relationship. Its a good compromise.

To get to that compromise, decide how much you are willing to accept, what are those exact rules? One fantasy team a year? or a season, Only games related to his top 2 teams in each sports and the finals?  Then give him one month to meet them. If not tell him counseling for him alone is required, and you alone.  

I also strongly suggest he already has a gambling problem the way he is handling the money. I would let him know this is what you think.  Therefore, to prove otherwise you want to see his monthly bank account statements and where the money is going. If you are not happy with the results. Gamblers Anonymous.  And he doesnt have an option or you leave. 

Post # 9
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@QuietOne:  This.

@lefeymw:  And this.

There were probably signs of this behavior before.  Take YOUR money and put it into your own account that no one has access to but you.  If he is gambling he does NOT need access to your money.  I know the old saying when you get married is that you share everything but one spouse having total control and forcing the other to live on a small amount is not how it’s supposed to work.  

If you want things to work out, try counseling.  If you think it’s too far gone, ask him to leave.  I’m sorry you’re going through this!

Post # 10
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@kk26: I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this! What stands out to me is that he doesn’t seem willing to try and work on the relationship. Moving into the spare bedroom and saying he’s staying there until your lease is up and then he wants to go his own way, is pretty much saying he’s given up on the marriage and isn’t willing to work on it. I think that, beyond all the other things, is the biggest issue. If he isn’t willing to even try, what hope can there be?

Post # 11
Member
3151 posts
Sugar bee

All I can give you is a (((hug))) and tell you that now is the time to take care of yourself. This doesn’t seem like something that your marriage can recover from, or that he wants to fix in the first place.

Post # 13
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Get your finances in order, as others have already advised…depending on state laws, finances (and other property/possession rights) may become frozen once divorce proceedings have been filed. There’s no shame in calling it quits after 10 months, especially if it’s a crappy situation. Cancel all joint credit cards and open up your own individual line of credit/credit cards before he has a chance to ruin your credit as well (not saying he definitely will, but please, don’t take that chance)

Post # 14
Member
2548 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m not a fan of divorce, as I am sure you aren’t either. It sounds to me as if you really worked hard on keeping your vows. Marriage is about ” til death do you part”, but only if the couple is able to compromise throughout the relationship. It seems as if your husband has just given up. He does not want to improve your guys situation, or even hear your point of view.

It also seems as if you took your vows seriously while, he really didn’t. There is no room for selfishness in a marriage. It isn’t one against the other. It’s two people working together towards one common goal. If he doesn’t realize this, than you are better off cutting your losses. Its terrible, but you can’t live your life battling this guy, it will drive you insane. You only live this life once, you need to do what makes you happy.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Just know you will get though this, and come out stronger, and happier. No matter what happens.

I hope for only the best, whatever that may be.

Post # 15
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I can’t add any advice but just wanted to give you hugs.  Remember that you’re stronger than you might think and you will make it through whatever challenges are coming your way!

Post # 16
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

I have a nagging feeling in my tummy that his bank account is probably empty of his cash, and yours.

 

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