(Closed) marriage first, then wedding?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

this is a very common thing to do! normal rsvp date is 3-4 weeks before the event. plan for numbers as best you can guess, then make minor adjustments when you get the numbers in. for your budget, plan for the high end of guests you think might come.

Post # 4
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

One of my coworkers had gotten married 4 years ago because her husband was in the military and they wanted the benefits. They just had their actual wedding this past April. She loved it!

Post # 5
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

My Fiance and I almost did this. We were going to get married this month and then have our wedding like normal next month. We were going to do it so a family member could marry us, but the family member ended up backing out so we didn’t need to. 

Post # 6
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

“I am already married to my husband, but we have yet to have our weddding.”

Um, I don’t mean this to be snarky or mean but yes, you did have your wedding -at the courthouse.  A wedding is about getting married, period – the gown, guests and party are all just extra frills. 

I guess I don’t understand some of the posts like this that seem to take the position that getting married and having a “real” wedding  are two different things.  They’re not. 

What you’re proposing to do now is either a vow renewal or just putting on a stage show.  I don’t begrudge it to you – I understand wanting the day with the frills, but please don’t lose sight of the fact that you did, indeed, already have an actual, real wedding and proceed accordingly.

Post # 7
Member
1559 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I feel like this is becoming more and more common, especially with couples in the military! 

The best way to get people to give you a straight answer is to send invitations. As PP said, give them a very specific RSVP date. Since I see that your wedding is Feb. 1st, let people know that the RSVP deadline is March XX…. I would suggest March 1st, personally, but that’s just me. 

Also, I would try to get an idea of who you know WILL come (usually immediate family like parents or siblings aren’t going to be wishy washy on you) and start your “official” count from there. If you know you have X number of people who will absolutely be there, then you can start to estimate things. 

From there, think about how many people are likely to come as long as they have the time/money to travel, etc. These are the people who you feel are the more serious maybes. For me, these are my Out of Town friends who I know want to come, but because my wedding is on a Friday might not be able to get off work. Include them in your estimate, because you know these people are going to be more likely to try to come. 

Now look at the rest of your list of maybes. If there are people on it who you think are less likely to come, but you REALLY want them there, maybe take the time to contact them personally (in person or by phone, if possible) and let them know how happy you would be if they could attend. This will hopefully help get a few of those people off the fence. 

It stinks to get a bunch of wishy washy guests, but they always say to expect around 25% of your guest list to decline. 

 

Post # 9
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@lisa105: I disagree. I think the marriage is the legal binding, and the wedding is the celebration in front of your friends and family!

 

To OP – we will probably be doing this as too, for immigration purposes, getting married first and having a wedding later. I have received some snark from people about this, but do not let it bother you. I am not going to let the government take away my right to have a big wedding just b/c I had to marry my fiance earlier than anticipated so we could BE together. People who were not in this situation just cannot understand.

Post # 10
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

My guess for some of the wishy-washy answers are because you haven’t issued formal invitations and also if your guests know you’re already married, they may not prioritize a party as highly as a wedding.

I think if you want to know how many people to expect, send out invitations!  But I’d also be straightforward with your guests – they should know ahead of time that you are already married.  If I spent time and money traveling to a “wedding” that had actually already occurred, I’d be upset to find out afterward that the couple was already married.

Post # 12
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@lisa105: Agreed. When you get married, that’s your wedding. How you choose to have your wedding is how your choose to have it. If you’re unsatisfied and want to do something extra, go ahead and do whatever you want, but it’s a vow renewal. You’re not “getting married” anymore.

Post # 13
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Hi marriage police, when were you granted the authority to decide what to call someone else’s wedding? 

Post # 14
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I did this a few weeks ago, had a civil ceremony with just a few family and friends, and are having our actual wedding celebration in March. I find nothing wrong with it and am really excited. My only advice to brides planning to do this, is make sure everyone knows. Because if you don’t tell everyone and then they find out you are married, they get upset that they weren’t told. Even if you are planning on inviting them to the later scheduled wedding celebration. Silly, but honestly I had a lot of people upset at me afterward.

As to your situation, I’ve just explained to my family and friends the situation and told them how important it will be to still have them there in March even though my guy and I are already married. The family and friends who really want to make the effort to be there, will make it. Just explain how important it is to you. They’ll understand.

Good luck!!

Post # 16
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Jenniferk6: “When you get married, that’s your wedding. How you choose to have your wedding is how your choose to have it. If you’re unsatisfied and want to do something extra, go ahead and do whatever you want, but it’s a vow renewal. You’re not “getting married” anymore”

What if isn’t your choice, though? What if you were in a situation where the government mandated that you get married immediately in order to stay together in the same place, even though you had always dreamed of the big wedding ceremony and party in front of your family and friends? I don’t think it’s fair to say that just because you signed a legal document beforehand in order to stay with your partner, you HAVE to give up what you always dreamed of. Some choice!

ETA: In many countries, the civil ceremony and the religious ceremony are two separate events. You have the civil ceremony and signing of the paperwork at a courthouse – you usually do it anywhere from a few days to a few weeks or a month in advance. On a separate date, you have your religious ceremony and party. Does that make it any less of a wedding just because they don’t happen on the same day? Try telling that to millions of non-American or Canadian couples. LOL.

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