Marriage in trouble due to competition (career-wise) and his female friend

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

Do you know the other woman? My husband has a female coworker he’s close to, and it bothered me at first. So I put effort into befriending her and then I felt less threatened, I also talked to my husband in a non confrontational way saying o trusted him but I was still bothered. He scaled back and did more group things to respect my issues. We are now both quite close with her, but he still mostly avoids one on one situations. 

Post # 3
Member
524 posts
Busy bee

It would depend on how frequently they are meeting. If she knows more about his day to day then you his wife then that’s def an issue. Why don’t you let him pay more if that is what he wishes and you can save your money and splurge on a nice gift for him 

Post # 4
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

The whole “other woman” thing here seems to be a red herring. The reason he’s talking to other PEOPLE (not just a female friend) is because the communication in your relationship has broken down so much. From what you say, it doesn’t sound like there’s any problem with their friendship, but you’re jealous because he can talk to her about things he can’t say to you. Well, sure, he can! He can’t talk to you about what’s happening at work; you guys have driven a rift between yourselves, and that’s on both of you. 

My advice: Stop worrying about the other woman and start worrying about your marriage and how to bring back the openness and communication. Either figure out a way (with counseling or something else) to stop being so competitive with each other and remember that you’re on the SAME team, or someone has to get a different job completely, eh? 

Post # 6
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee

If your marriage is in trouble in part due to competition and part of that involves your attitude towards money then would you consider joining your finances? You might still compete for the jobs but at least on the financial side of it you’ll be a team working together.

Post # 7
Member
400 posts
Helper bee

alezv87 :  it does sound like a platonic friendship – as of NOW, but could be moving into the territory of emotional cheating. Stay calm, but you need to pay attention to this. This could be some woman  trying to muscle into your yard.

He probably just wants to talk about work with someone.

I used to have a guy colleague and we bitched aboit our jobs a lot cos we both hated it and I never fancied him. Is t like that or is he figuring out his life and work stuff with this chick?  

Post # 8
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Couple’s counseling to learn to talk to each other without competing or turning to outsiders for intimacy.

Post # 9
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I’m pretty relaxed about having friends of the opposite sex, but I wouldn’t be happy either if I was in your shoes. You haven’t said anything that makes their relationship seem anything but friendly and supportive. However, I would be very sad if my husband confided in other people but didn’t feel like he could with me, or if seemed to enjoy hanging out with others over me. He should be turning to you for support and you should know all about his day to day thoughts and happenings. He’s your husband, and he should also be your friend. Your best friend! It seems like there is so much distance between you two.

Their relationship seems fine right now, but I would try to make the effort to date your husband, share with him, and let him share with you. Instead of focusing on the female friend, focus on making sure that you two spend more quality time together. I know your jobs make it difficult, but your marriage is worth working through the competition.

Post # 10
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I just want to add that my advice is if their relationship is innocent. From what you said, it seems like it is. But if there is more to it, or you think that he is talking to her about you or your marriage, that is crossing a line. That’s not okay.

Post # 11
Member
12117 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

You don’t have to be OK with all of those one on one meetings. I certainly would not be at this point or ever to be honest. The confiding in her at your expense would be a real deal breaker for me if it were to go on. I think you are in serious need of marriage counseling at this point. 

I’d also drop all the arguing about the money right now. It’s pointless and is the least of your problems. I’m not into my money and your money in a marriage, but if your husband earns more and contributes more right now, so what? There are bigger issues here. 

Post # 12
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

The truth is that until you work on the issues that are causing him to choose to confide in other people, there’s always going to be another person in your relationship, even if it’s not this particular woman. 

Post # 13
Member
1631 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t know that there’s enough info to suggest anything is going on with her yet, but it’s just a red flag to your marriage that he feels he can’t talk to you and I would suggest couples counseling for that. Even if this girl is innocent (maybe she isn’t interested or not his physical type anyway), that kind of emotional distance from you created an opening for someone, maybe someone who won’t even join his workplace for 5 more years. 

Post # 14
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

So, you like being competitive & insist on “giving advice” to your husband about his job. You also insist on breaking home finances by salary…. this doesn’t necessarily seem productive & seems a bit penny pinching. Idk. What do you want to do about these things?

Post # 15
Member
524 posts
Busy bee

alezv87 :  how come you don’t feel comfortable with it? You guys are married, he is insisting on spending the money on you. If I were you I would save your money and splurge on vacation or something that way it’s equal but he is still happy. It should be you and him against the world not you and him against each other 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors