(Closed) Marriage in trouble due to competition (career-wise) and his female friend

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 241
Member
577 posts
Busy bee

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alezv87 :  my husband sounds similar to you but not as extreme.. if I go to him after a hard day at work and seeking someone to just listen, comfort, provide reassurance, he is not that person. He is very critical. It created a lot of fights and hurt feelings, so I stopped going to him about work. And, the fights lessened. Our marriage improves. I learned that he is and will always be a very critical person, it’s in his nature. So, I learned to express myself and let him know when I’m dealing with a tough client and ask him if he wanted to hear about it and let him know, I didn’t need or want his advice, but someone to vent to. I already second guess myself, and I’d be so upset and hurt if my husband ever searched for and sent me jobs. To me, that’s saying: your job isn’t good enough and you need to make more money”. I too had a friend from work that I could take to about work stuff and other gender than myself. I had no feelings for this person besides work. This work friend started having feelings, so I distanced myself from him and let my husband know. My husband knew about this work friend and was ok bc 1) he is not a jealous type and two, he trusts me. Anyways, I agree with other posters that you should leave work out of the talks and find something you both enjoy doing together. We use to run together and watch shows/anime. He loves football and I could care less but I ask him about his team and popular players and he enjoys educating me on it and whatnot. I suggest finding something to related with him besides work and Be curious about him and his interests. Let him teach you! I’d shut off too when I’m around very critical people and usually cut them off. Good luck 👍 

Post # 244
Member
577 posts
Busy bee

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alezv87 :  do you workout? It might be helpful to start working out everyday after work, while he goes on drinks with his friend. Idk, do something for yourself. I suggest focusing on yourself and less on him and his friendship. It would bother me a lot too, though. I always feel better when I’m working out. Maybe journaling too. Get goals on what you’d like to do to improve yourself. Write them down and stick to them. I’d give him space and focus on you and improving communication. Go to therapy/counseling on your own also. Show him your actively trying to better yourself and be in competition within yourself, not him. Self improving is great! I think it’ll help take the pressure and focus off of him. And if things don’t work out with him (I hope they do), at least then you’ve e worked on yourself and will be better in your other relationships. Just a thought! 

Post # 245
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Never thought I’d come this close to agreeing with soexcited123. The piling on on the OP in this thread is getting a bit much though. Far from being a brick wall, I actually thought OP has handled the criticism in this thread with much more grace and less flounce than normal, since she has still been returning to engage regularly and in a polite manner.  

Of course OP hasn’t been handling her relationship well, but some of these replies sound like they’re saying, well since you’ve been acting this way, you just deserve whatever your husband does. Of course nobody uses those very words, but speaking as someone with no dog in this fight no monkey in this circus, that is very much how some replies are coming across   

While I can’t point to any particular example right now off the top of my head, it seems a regular theme of relationship advice threads, where one partner (more often the woman) expresses frustration that the other partner (more often the man) doesn’t just offer a listening ear, but tries to offer unsolicited advice in a misguided attempt to try to “fix” things.  In those threads, you’d get any number of advice posts saying stuff along the lines of that’s just how men are, they want to try to fix things, it’s a difference among how people react when faced with other people’s problems, yadda yadda. OP does the same thing and now it’s abuse…? I mean yeah this could very well mean that an irreconcilable incompatibility has surfaced in their relationship, but abuse?

Also agree with @weddingmaven 100% that the woman friend is the house fire. Sure it’s caused by faulty wiring (aka OP’s actions in this analogy), but the house is burning down regardless if the husband keeps emotionally cheating with the female friend. 

Post # 246
Member
577 posts
Busy bee

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camenae :  I agree with you too! OP seems to me genuine and I don’t think anyone should have to put up with what her husband is doing. I’d be very upset and hurt if my hubs was spending more time with a friend (regardless of gender) than me. She came her for help and I do think other posters have given great feedback and it may be helpful to hear from other perspectives but I don’t agree with bashing OP and making her feel bad. I really hope everything works out in her favor and hopefully, they both have better boundaries in the future. It seems like there is an issue with both of their boundaries. 

Post # 249
Member
282 posts
Helper bee

I’m concerned for you when you say that when you tried to kiss him he hesitated and then eventually kissed back and the second time he turned his head away entirely. This is not behavior of someone who wants you. Additionally, it just makes me think he probably is sleeping with this woman. Also, I don’t agree with other posters that you deserve this or that it’s hard being married to you because I think that’s a really rude thing to say without actually knowing someone. And we don’t know you. I think you both have issues and if it’s ever gonna work out responsibility needs to come from both sides and you need to hash it out. Otherwise, give up and go your separate ways. Additionally, don’t torture yourself, if nothing is improving then nobody deserves this and go ahead and leave. 

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alezv87 :  

Post # 250
Member
427 posts
Helper bee

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MrBlueSky :  

I think the OP’s husband is cheating too. His emotional affair has progressed to a physical affair. 

The OP is only responsible for her behaviour. She is not responsible for her husband’s inappropriate and disrespectful actions. Cheating is not the way to handle marital issues. 

Post # 250
Member
427 posts
Helper bee

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MrBlueSky :  

I think the OP’s husband is cheating too. His emotional affair has progressed to a physical affair. 

The OP is only responsible for her behaviour. She is not responsible for her husband’s inappropriate and disrespectful actions. Cheating is not the way to handle marital issues. 

Post # 252
Member
810 posts
Busy bee

This guy is 100% cheating. Meeting up with a female “friend” several times every week is NOT NORMAL. No guy does this unless he’s getting laid. OP, I think a lot of people have been unfair to you here. Even if you’re not a stepford wife all day long with your husband, that’s no excuse for his behavior. Sounds like he’s a weak man with a fragile male ego and you’d probably be better off without him especially if he’s cheating. The great thing about being a female lawyer, is you can support yourself and you’re a strong woman who doesn’t need a man if it comes to that.

Post # 253
Member
282 posts
Helper bee

I totally agree with you!

She is only responsible for her own issues and if he’s cheating that’s absolutely NO way to handle marital problems. Spot on! 

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mrsautumn36 :  

Post # 254
Member
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

How was counseling OP?

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