(Closed) Marriage in trouble due to competition (career-wise) and his female friend

posted 10 months ago in Married Life
Post # 601
Member
634 posts
Busy bee

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deannamarie :  

I really appreciate OP continuing to post and update us. So often our answers are a cut and dry “dump, block and move on.” This is a real couple working through real issues.

OP I am glad you have been able to spend more time together this week, and hope you get at least a weekend away together. The moodiness that you ascribe to friend being out of town is worrying, but something to bring up with a therapist again. I think it’s really positive you are using the therapy sessions as a safe place to bring up disagreements/concerns and then focusing on the positives of your relationship at home.

Post # 602
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

I’m unable to edit my previous post but:

I was reading your post on another thread about reaffirming terms of prenuptial agreements with post-nuptial agreements in certain European countries where prenups are not legally binding to maximize chances of them being upheld, but it isn’t showing up now somehow?

BUT just want to say I hope you and your husband have one or both of the agreements because your situation could potentially get very bitter if he is having an affair.

Post # 603
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

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minnewanka :  Yeah I agree that it’s good to see them using therapy to resolve and disuss differences rather than fighting and arguing at home. People act as if you can just walk out on a marriage with no hard work to make it work.

Post # 604
Member
886 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Couldn’t the moodiness just be due to his parents divorce. I get he was moody before his mom got there, but couldn’t he have been thinking about the divorce and dreading her visit and how she was going to be. Or thinking of his childhood and the times they spent as a family and now his mom is visiting alone and how nothing in his family will ever be the way it used to be ever again?

I get people want to put this on the friend but… the divorce seems much more likely to me than being in a bad mood that his friend went away for merely a week. They’ve been lifelong friends. A week is nothing.

If you address the moodiness in therapy or with him don’t attribute it to the friend. Baby, is something bothering you? Are you alright? You’ve seemed off the last few days. Do you need to talk? How’s you mom doing?

Post # 607
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee

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beetobe27 :  You hope she has an agreement? Seriously? She wrote on all the previous pages that she is committed to working on her marriage rather than ending it over his friendship.

Post # 608
Member
886 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

alezv87 :  If he is being particularly moody you could walk up to him and ask him if he needs a hug. Or can I give you a hug. Can I have a hug. Whatever wording works best. Fh has a high stress job and occasionally is weird about things, like freaked out randomly in the store over buying towels… and I had no idea what to do. And my Dad was like, just give him a hug. It obviously has nothing to do with the towels. You don’t need to argue or tell him how bizarre his behavior was or stand up for yourself just react completely opposite of what you would think and give him a hug. So now when he is stressed out and acting weird, we hug!

It also might help in you becoming more of his support system.

Post # 609
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

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saturnian :  Yes I hope she has it because let’s face it, the situation isn’t looking very promising. It’s commendable that she’s putting in effort and not giving up, but from his behavior, I doubt he is as committed to saving the marriage as she is. 

Post # 610
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

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elodie2019 :  Agree with this.

OP:

Contrary to some posts, I actually think that you do assume the worst about your husband.

His moodiness could easily be because of his parents’ split. It hurts no matter how old you are. Reach out to him at this difficult time. Don’t assume it must be because his friend went away. You didn’t once ask him why he’s feeling low. 

Same with the vacation. You assume that he will not go because he is busy and stressed. Did you ask him? No. 

You  love him and there must be something about him that is making you fight for your marriage. So at least have some faith in him. You automatically believe that his emotions are a direct result of his friend’s actions, when there are multiple reasons that could make him feel this way. Why not just ask him what’s causing him to be unusually emotional? You don’t need to wait for therapy to reach out to him.

Post # 611
Member
201 posts
Helper bee

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lavender9 :  It’s not any one thing though is it? What about the complete lack of intimacy and particularly from his side? It could make you wonder if he’s getting it elsewhere.

Post # 612
Member
456 posts
Helper bee

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mel76 :  That likely has much more to do with the fact that it will take far longer than just a few weeks to fix the damage OP has caused to him and the relationship with her actions and to rebuild the trust needed for intimacy.

Post # 613
Member
5919 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

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mel76 :  If someone doesn’t feel supportive and loved in a relationship, as OP’s husband has voiced, they aren’t going to want to jump into bed with that person.  OP and her husband have only recently started opening up to each other and spending time together, if he doesn’t feel ready to start being intimate again that is completely fine. 

Post # 614
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I’ve just sat and read this whole post and wow I’m just shaking my head in disbelief in some people’s responses!! 

Everyone has a right to their opinions and that’s fine but people need to remember that people’s opinions are formed from their experiences, whether lived or witnessed. There have been so many people ready to convince the OP that the hubby is definitely having an affair, he’s emotionally switched off etc. 

theres a couple of things that have really stuck with me (and yep these are just my opinions)

1. Hubby is saying the friend he has been meeting with is just that, a friend. – if the friend was male I’m not sure anyone would be making a fuss, we’d be saying it’s great that he has someone to talk to during what seems to be a very trying time in his life, sisters illness, parents divorce, issues in his marriage.

2. Hubby has said that it made him uncomfortable that the OP only asked for contacts etc after they were married- could it be that in his eyes he was dating a woman who worked hard, making her own way in the world and didn’t need anything from him just loved him for who he was not what he or his name could give her. He marries her and bam guess what she suddenly starts asking for all those things and not only that she’s now not happy with who he is she wants him to push himself more. 

3. The issue with him not being intimate – with everything that’s been going on he may have depression and honestly that’s going to affect his libido. 

4. As for him being moody since his friend went away- it could be because his mum came to visit at that time, his individual therapy may be quite confronting at the moment and he’s feeling overwhelmed and on top of that the friend he gets to vent to isn’t there. 

Theres always two sides to every story and sometimes we forget that other people’s experience isn’t ours, we don’t always realise that our words can sometimes be quite hurtful. I really hope everything works out for all involved. 

 

Post # 615
Member
7277 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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alezv87 :  I, too, give you a lot of credit for working on yourself and genuinely committing to the process of therapy. 

I hope you will be open-minded and, as PPs have suggested, allow for the possibility that your husband does still want to go away, even if it’s for a shorter holiday, and that his moodiness may originate from numerous possible sources. 

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