(Closed) Marriage in trouble due to competition (career-wise) and his female friend

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
Post # 616
Member
224 posts
Helper bee

soon2btnt :  For the most part I agree with everything you said except the part about his friend. Regardless male or female, best friend or mistress he is still spending time with this other person when he should be making an effort to spend time with OP. He is finding comfort and getting emotional support from this person and not his wife. And I’m sorry but I truly believe if he doesn’t realize what he’s doing is wrong and start communicating with her then I don’t see how they can work it out. 

I can completely understand him not being intimate just yet. However, if you can’t talk to your spouse and be vulnerable with your spouse and have to get that from another person why are you even married? It’s a lost cause. 

OP, I applaud your patience, I applaud you not giving him ultimatums, I applaud you realizing your mistakes, going to therapy and fighting for your marriage. You took vows for better or worse and this is the worse part and I agree with PP just hug him and be there for him in his difficult time. I cant imagine how hard this must be for you. Just take it one day at a time. I believe there is a perfect balance of showing compassion, being there for him with expectations  of him showing you the same respect. There were mistakes made on both parts and there should be an equal amount of effort in trying making your marriage work.

Also, if I’m not mistaken your therapist told you he should be allowed to still see his lady friend, right?  I have no experience with this at all and I’m not a therapist so I’m just trying to pick her brain but why did she suggest that? 

Does she think after a while he will give the lady friend up on his own? Or trying to make him think he has the power? Or does she actually think they are just friends with no emotional connections?  If so, how does this other person restore your marriage? If she expects him to give the lady friend up on his own, is there usually a time line?  Maybe someone can help with a different point of view. I’m just genuinely curious. 

I like to say there are 3 sides to every story. His side, her side, and the truth.

 

Post # 617
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

weddingmaven :  ”  I think she was involved emotionally, too and you very well may be right that she still is. I’ve thought the same thing all along. It’s just a possibility based on his bad mood and her sudden disappearance. Maybe she’s conflicted by her role in hurting their marriage or has gotten to know him well enough so that he’s lost some of his appeal. Or maybe he just misses her. “

 

All those scenarios assume it’s his friend’s absence making him act a certain way. But he seemingly has numerous ongoing problems and the friend may well not be even be a priority in his mind right now.

Post # 618
Member
12128 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

slivergreen90 :  Anything is possible. But even assuming he’s stressed over outside issues, you’d think someone committed to repairing his marriage would be motivated to explain his moodiness, not continue to shut her out. 

Post # 619
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020 - City, State

Even if you don’t get away on a full vacation- maybe bring a special night to him. Make a blanket fort with some fake candles inside and a little cheese and wine plate or takeout from his favorite place. Take him to a place close by where you went on dates in the beginning- maybe try to bring some of that romance back in little ways. Write little notes listing things you love about him or just that you love him- and hide them in places he will find them, like his briefcase. These little gestures could go a LONG way into rekindling the flame that is dwindling in the relationship. 

Post # 620
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020 - City, State

ugh I just said little WAY TOO MUCH (insert your own synonym instead)

Post # 621
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee

minnewanka :  Exactly. She is doing the right thing by trying to handle problems by going to therapy. Calling someone ‘shit’ and dismissing their efforts for not having a my way or the highway approach is crazy.

Post # 622
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

soon2btnt :  Hubby has said that it made him uncomfortable that the OP only asked for contacts etc after they were married- could it be that in his eyes he was dating a woman who worked hard, making her own way in the world and didn’t need anything from him just loved him for who he was not what he or his name could give her. He marries her and bam guess what she suddenly starts asking for all those things and not only that she’s now not happy with who he is she wants him to push himself more. 

That’s what I thought as well. It makes sense if you see it from his perspective. 

Post # 623
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

minnewanka :  “The moodiness that you ascribe to friend being out of town is worrying, but something to bring up with a therapist again. “

Indeed and she might even be surprised because the reason for his moodiness could be something else.

Post # 624
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee

soon2btnt :  He marries her and bam guess what she suddenly starts asking for all those things and not only that she’s now not happy with who he is she wants him to push himself more. 

I do wonder if OP made a point before marriage to show him that she was only interested in him and not the professional (and social?) benefits marrying him could bring her. I have seen some people trying to show their partners who are better off or more well off in some way that they are with them for them while dating to not give the impression that they are going to take advantage of them.  I can see why she thought it was only appropriate to ask after marriage, but to him this might have come as a big surprise if she never asked him even once before. I hope this misunderstanding was resolved in therapy as that was where he brought it up.

Post # 625
Member
12128 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I can’t understand a spouse not wanting to help out whenever and however he could in terms of contacts and networking. This is a husband, not a stranger.  It’s such a foreign concept to me and the opposite of the way any married couple I know functions. 

Post # 626
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

weddingmaven :  It’s not about helping your partner network per se. More about the fact that she may have projected an image of herself that she wanted to rely on her own network and effort and not use his, and then after marriage she seemed like a different woman to him as she actively asked to be put in touch with people and for favors. 

Post # 627
Member
1505 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

weddingmaven :  I can’t understand a spouse not wanting to help out whenever and however he could in terms of contacts and networking. This is a husband, not a stranger.  It’s such a foreign concept to me and the opposite of the way any married couple I know functions.”

Yeah I also can’t understand why it’s such a bad thing that a SPOUSE benefited from her SPOUSE’s contacts/relationships/money/economic assets/great personality/hot body/….WHATEVER it is that is good about their SPOUSE. Why are you not supposed to enjoy it? *Jackie Chan Meme* 

It also makes perfect sense to me that she would wait until after marriage to ask. Plenty of people would go to bat a lot more for their family member’s spouse than their family member’s boyfriend/girlfriend.

She IS his family and it makes me sad that he sounds like he was guarding against her like she’s some kind of gold digging thief.  

 

 

Post # 628
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee

chiara :  The pp who said that could have used milder language but she wasn’t wrong. I think OP is nervous about giving ultimatums because right now he will probably pick his friendship. Most people wouldn’t have the patience to put up with their spouses being in an emotionally intimate friendship for this long. 

Post # 629
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee

weddingmaven :  I agree and I think they both believe the worst and are suspicious of what the other is really thinking. I think it’s rooted in the competition between them that she first talked about in the thread.

Post # 630
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

I read your topic a few weeks ago when I first found this site, and I must admit I thought a separation was imminent because it sounded like an impossible situation. It’s incredible that you are pressing on through the various obstacles you have faced in resolving your differences. I truly hope you and your husband can get through this difficult phase.

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