(Closed) Marriage in trouble due to competition (career-wise) and his female friend

posted 5 months ago in Married Life
Post # 676
Member
5774 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

alezv87 :  I think this is where a lot of your problems are coming from and hopefully this will be a turning point for you both.  Stop second guessing each other and making assumptions, particularly negative ones when nothing has actually been said. 

Think about it, you have spent the last few days probably thinking your husband isn’t making as much of an effort as you feel you are because he is canceling on your holiday for work.  When the reality is that isn’t the case, he is busy from work but he is still going on and looking forward to the holiday. 

Hopefully this trip will be a good chance for you to reconnect. 

Post # 677
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

But… you didn’t make assumptions about going on the holiday. You asked him whether he still wanted to go very reasonably based on him obviously being busy and swamped with deadlines. You DID the VERY THING that he berated you for NOT doing. The more you post the more he sounds like an ass. Now you’re not even allowed to make completely normal, human inferences and ask whether they mean what you think they mean. Can you go a lifetime walking on eggshells and not being your authentic self? There’s working on your marriage and then there is twisting yourself into knots to be someone else for your husband.   alezv87 :  

Post # 679
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

yogahammy :  It could be two things. Maybe she has always made assumptions in the past and that’s why he’s irritated. Or this is one more thing to cross off the checklist “I tried the following and I couldn’t save my marriage” and he’s generally irritated with her.

Post # 680
Member
12320 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

yogahammy :  I’ve actually questioned all along whether this guy is a bit of a high maintenence prima donna all by himself. It’s hard to tell at this point what is reactive and what is a function of who he is. 

Post # 681
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

yogahammy :  But she DID make assumptions. The last few days have been about “Oh, he’s busy so he’s obviously going to back out from the trip.” I mean the guy didn’t once say he will but she’s assuming he will back out. If she had asked him when the thought first crossed her mind, she would have saved herself from the negativity that was going on in her mind about what he was going to do.

Post # 682
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

 

weddingmaven :  I actually think she’s getting into a self pitying zone with the “I’m doing all the work but my husband isn’t committed enough” tone of her posts.

Post # 683
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

She did not say he is obviously going to back out from the trip. She said that she didn’t know whether they were going on the trip because he was so busy. That was a perfectly reasonable inference to make based on her husband’s words and actions. You have to be able to make inferences in life and berating someone from making a reasonable one is out of line full stop. And honestly it does sound like she is putting more work into fixing the marriage than him. So what if she pities herself? This is a super hard situation and she’s handling it admirably. You honestly sound a bit like her husband in that she can’t do anything right.lavender9 :  

Post # 685
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

yogahammy :  She kept saying that trip isn’t likely to go ahead and he won’t be interested in going anymore. Why assume or believe the worst? How about asking your husband rather than letting it fester? If you want to work on your marriage, perhaps begin by working on your communication.

Post # 686
Member
5774 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

alezv87 :  Maybe it is a difference of perspective but I wouldn’t say the logical assumption to someone being busy at work is that they are going to cancel a week long vacation.  Vacations are expensive, I don’t know anyone who would cancel a long vacation at the last minute due to being busy at work unless a huge disaster had just happened.  The assumption of canceling sounds quite extreme to me at least. 

My assumption would be that is is busy in the run up to taking a week off to ensure that everything is done before he heads off, that is how it typically works for me.  

Post # 687
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

zzar45 :  Exactly. I’m sure he doesn’t want money going down the drain as well and would have probably told her if he was going to cancel the trip rather than wait till the very end to inform her he won’t go. 

Post # 688
Member
400 posts
Helper bee

alezv87 :  So the holiday is on? Good! When do you leave, and is it for a week? How nice if the time apart for those ‘friends’ concides with you two going away. If he’s still willing to go away with you despite not seeing her for a week, that sounds really promising and believeable that he really just sees her as a friend. Perhaps the moodiness was related to his parent’s divorce and his own marital problems.

What is the thing you both did or do for fun, that has connected you in the past as a couple. During your dating phase, what was the thing you enjoyed most about being with each other? 

I cannot imagine that some time away alone, together, just lazing in the sun, talking, dinners, some drinking sessions (and it should be a no-pressure approach to it all), I cannot imagine it wouldnt help to bridge the gap between yourselves. I know such trips also exacerbate already existing problems between a mismatched couple but with therapy and your willingness to work at this marriage (both of you) makes it hopeful that it can have a good outcome.

Did you get any new lacy items?! Look after yourself, look good for him, be nice to each other and I really really hope it leads to some light romance at least and best scenario – great sessions in the sack. Dont underestimate kissing! Hopefully it will be a start.

I’m a little put off by that rude remark he made, but it could be from years of being slighted so lets let this pass. Fingers crossed, you’ve got this bee. 

Post # 689
Member
201 posts
Helper bee

alezv87 :  If I were you, I would ask him before the trip to stop the Facebook chatting sessions for the duration of the vacation. It clearly bothers you and it will get in the way of enjoying your trip if he chats with her everyday there. Maybe bring it up in therapy? It’s a fair compromise.

Post # 690
Member
12320 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

She may feel sorry for herself, though I mostly see someone trying very hard to work on her marriage for its own sake. But that doesn’t mean she’s wrong. 

As for the trip, OP knows her husband. Maybe he’s cancelled plans before. He’s certainly avoided making any as of late. For his part, maybe he sees the assumption that he might cancel as yet another criticism or attack on him, suggesting he doesn’t care, rather than being about OP’s insecurity.  

lavender9 :  

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